I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

Personally I always think it's important to read between the lines and not just take the OPs word for it if you see things that don't really add up, after all there are real people at the end of it and potentially real consequences for the other people involved and the kids.

You can have your own approach but some of the rest of us will take the other approach.

The mother may have good reasons, although she doesn’t seem to have communicated any so far except today’s ‘concerns’ about her ex’s health issues. She doesn’t seem to have raised these ‘concerns’ previously and whether valid or not she doesn’t seem to have communicated why she has raised them now, nor why they would be lessened by seeing the boys one at a time.

Relations between the parents don’t seem to be at a stage where they can sort it out between them and by father ‘waiting a bit’ he could be deemed as not being bothered about seeing his children.

I repeat, we can only go by what OP has told us; anything else is conjecture.

You can repeat all you want but you don't get to dictate what people can and can't go on, you're not the authority on how people must engage with forum posts.
In my view we can also go by what we know about human behaviour, and use some common sense.

I haven’t tried to shut you down. We can only take the information we have been given, we’re not in a position to call witnesses and establish facts.

Speculating about holes in the story and trying to fill them is not a reasonable basis for debate – it’s whatiffery and whataboutery.

If we don't take and respond to what an OP has given us there's no point engaging.

I apologise if you felt I was dictating or trying to be an authority on how people should engage on a forum but without corroborating evidence there is only conjecture.

However, I am using my knowledge of human behaviour, specifically in the realm of separated parents, and common sense. You have a right to disagree.

Again you're not the authority on how to engage or what is pointless or not.

It's literally how many people conduct real life discussions when they are trying to give advice, not everyone just accepts what's presented full stop especially when they can easily see how there may be another perspective. There are also those who play devils advocate. All very normal and common basis for debates. Even in therapy people will often be asked questions about what they're saying so that the therapist can learn what they're leaving out, ignoring or completely misinterpreting.

We don't all have such a rigid view where we must take what people tell us as fact, and thank God for that, because I've often seen people present a situation in a certain way when they were being very misleading, and sometimes those who take the situation as fact give very dangerous advice.

Well if you read the OP’s most recent update it seems the ex has concerns about DH’s ability to look after the children and that was why she was proposing to change to alternate weekends one at a time. She’s even asked OP to make sure she’s there 24/7 throughout contact time in case anything happens. So there is clearly a major health condition to consider. OP has already said he has a significant and progressive condition, and if he works full time then he may need a child free weekend in order to recuperate before he has to do it all again. And if he’s ex moved a two hour round trip away, then the fact that he can’t do weeknights is on her.

Ok. The daily mail wrote a teacher was fired today for saying happy Christmas or A Muslim complained because their employee said happy Christmas.

Both were most definitely reported over Christmas. Do you believe either story? I don’t.

I would most definitely argue both stories were questionable. Would you not?

The we love our child free time quote would send me mad as their mother. You married/ got with a man who had two kids and doesn’t drive and therefore knew the deal when you got with him. It’s typical of a man to need his child free weekends. When do mothers and fathers who stay in a relationship get that.? Always seems when couples split the man gets the better deal. Is there a reason the boys want seperate weekends? Really once you have kids you give up your kids free weekends. When they are young especially. Also as a child knowing my dad who seen me every 2 weeks needed his child free time even more than the whole week would make me feel less than valued

Every other weekend isn’t a lot of time compared to kids who have their parents 100% or the time. The mother doing pretty much all of the hard work in the week whilst you get the fund weekends, get your weekends and a holiday with them.

other things? How do you think people with kids live? It’s not an excuse to see them every other weekend. It’s sounds selfish … as long as it works for you you’ll be happy but anymore than the minimum every 2 weeks is too much for us to manage. Many parents work all week, long hours and have their kids all weekend. He had priorities and responsibilities for them all the time

So it's better to see them for less time as their mothers is suggesting?

Here’s an idea. Read the thread, or at least the OP’s comments before posting.

The boys don’t want separate weekends, their mum does. It will result in less time spent with the children, not more. DH has a progressive and by all accounts serious health condition which prevents him from driving, despite which his ex moved a two hour round trip away, thus preventing weekday contact except for school holidays, which she limits. OP has updated to say that ex wants weekend arrangements changed because she has concerns about DHs ability to look after both children together because of his condition, and wants OP there 24/7 throughout contact time. There now you’re all caught up.

I do wish people would read the updates.25 pages in and still posters are commenting without knowing the full details.

No, but the narrative that it's all the mothers fault that he only sees them so little in the first place is a huge reach, seeing as this arrangement has been in place for years and the OP has said how much it suits them.

So it obviously worked for her for years also. She maybe one of those mothers to doesn't want to be away from their kids often. You see it on the 50/50 parenting threads where mothers say they wouldn't allow it as don't want to be away from their kids so iften

Tell her the children don't want separate visits and that if she wants to disrupt a settled, working arrangement which suits 4 of the 5 individuals involved, then it will have to go before a judge and she needs to see a solicitor. She may rethink when she has to put herself out to try and change things.

It isn’t a huge reach if you consider all the relevant information. Ex ended the marriage because of his diagnosis. She then moved a two hour round trip away despite knowing he didn’t drive and had a progressive condition, and also effectively ending weekday contact because the school run would be ridiculous.

I wouldn’t want my children to have every weekend away from me and l think EOW from Friday to Monday including pick ups and drop offs to school monday morning seems reasonable. Now it seems the concern is a medical one, so it’s anyone’s guess as to whether this has influenced previous contact. Working full time with a progressive illness must be very difficult so it may well have been a trade off so that he can use the child free weekend to recuperate and be able to engage with his kids fully when he has them, and still be able to work to contribute to their support.

Maybe your tiredness is affecting your comprehension skills, it has been explained many, many times that it is the Mother controlling contact and she will not allow more time despite the Dad asking on a regular basis.

As many others have previously stated there's many mothers who have chronic illnesses/diseases and they have no choice but to have the kids all or most of the time and they certainly don't get time and space to allow them to recuperate so they can give their all on the few days they have them. Working full time with a progressive illness of course must be difficult but if it was the mother who was doing that and yet only able to take her kids EOW people would say she didn't have her priorities straight.

You keep saying 'effectively ending' midweek contact even though OP never said they ever had any.

Also there are of course plenty of mothers who would want some weekends with their kids, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't judge a parent for being content with only seeing them EOW.

I haven’t taken what OP has said as fact but I also haven’t fantasised about the boys’ mothers’ position.There are far too many unknowns about her to even consider.

Maybe I’m coming from the wrong position here but I thought this thread was more about whether OP was being unreasonable, given her information and making suggestions to help her and her husband, as opposed to esoteric discussion.

I think there is a significant difference between ‘have you thought about doing this’ and ‘she might be doing this because’.

I’m saddened you think I have a rigid view; it’s not a view held by my colleagues. I am perfectly able to weigh up evidence when presented at first hand but in this case we have one first hand contributor and a lot of speculation from strangers.

Do you consider my, and other contributors’, advice to go to Family Court as dangerous ?

this

the double standard in general is always huge in these situations. I had a period of time where I was completely unable to function for days on end then a day break. I am talking unable to talk and see out of right eye and move my arm with a whole host of other symptoms including severe fatigue. My partner had to talk some time off work to help care for me our joint dc and my dc from a previous relationship. Do you know what I was told. That I just had to find ways of dealing with it myself, I am a mother and I need to find coping mechanisms, I need to get on with it, I am an adult just deal with it. now I understand that the mother has worries with him being alone which may be justified but my issue was the double standard of he is tired and has a chronic illness so that gives him a free pass when in my experience that this would not be what people would be saying if other way around.

I don’t believe anything from the Daily Mail because I don’t read it. However, if someone comes here and starts a thread I accept what they post as being their point of view. I may, or may not, believe it but unless I accept it as being their view I don’t think there’s a point in me engaging with them.

If I thought they were lying on all counts I wouldn’t bother engaging.

Then We’re different. You like an echo chamber and I’ll probably read between the lines.

Yes we're different and you are incorrect thinking I like an echo chamber.
I think reading between the lines is close to making things up.
Takes all sorts but I'm comfortable with my thoughts and input.