I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

Nope. DH has a progressive illness and works during the week. OP won’t disclose the illness but my guess is MS. So limited capacity and exhaustion will be among some very unpleasant symptoms. Every other weekend allows one weekend in two for him to recuperate so that he can engage with his sons properly while he has them, and still have enough energy to work. He’s supporting his children. What would posters rather have - the kids every weekend and no time to recover, so that eventually he has to give up work and can’t support them ? Then he’d be a deadbeat dad again. He can’t win.

I don’t need to calm down thanks. And my point is fair. Unlike yours. OP hasn’t indicated anywhere that they wouldn’t pick up the slack if something tragic happened. She’s trying to do her best for DSS while making sure that her DH’s illness is properly accommodated. Something the ex hasn’t even considered in her rush to make things even more difficult for them.

What about women who stick with their partners despite a significant health diagnosis ? Which is more than the ex did. Started an affair after the diagnosis and then ended the marriage. She brought about this situation by moving a two hour round trip away, effectively putting paid to any midweek contact with DH because of a two hour round trip school run, which is batshit. She doesn’t get to call the shots just because it suits her. She has children to consider, and so far she seems to be using them as weapons.

Really sorry to hear must be so stressful.

What the ex did is irrelevant. He may have not had chronic issues when she left. We don’t know the whole story. The kids are the priority. We shouldn’t punish kids for what the other parent has done.

my point is that people often have to parent regardless of health issues. I have had to be a single parent with chronic health and now my partner helps (with kids that aren’t his own which will be make mn gasp) because Ex sees kids eow.

Sorry it has been very hectic I have to catch up on replies.

Dh tried all yesterday to speak to her but no response. This morning at 7 am she called to say we can have them both today and overnight so it was a rush to collect them. I feel she was doing this to keep us on edge and for anything else I wouldn’t stand it. For the sake of them maintaining relationships we just went to collect them. Dh said to her we will be pursuing legally so that things are set and everyone knows dates / times etc and everyone sticks to it. She just said at first she has her reasons and concerns and then said to us would I agree to make sure I’m there 24/7 as she feels unsure about dh due to health being able to cope with both if he’s even left alone for a short time. So I guess we need to do this properly with a solicitor.

Ah ok then just pure black and white thinking...so without a thought in her head at all she just wanted to move away so she did, and again without a thought in her head her husband got a diagnosis so she just started a new relationship and left despite being perfectly happy before then.

ok.

The op has clearly said they work hard and need their down time. Read between the lines.

Remember it doesn’t effect either of us. We can still read whatever we like into the op.
Please remember that when you argue a point. I skip over most of what you say because you are dismissive or get it very wrong!

WTF are you on about. Read the OP’s comments and try to wrap your brain around them. At the moment DH has both children together every other weekend from Friday to monday morning - four full days and six nights per month.

His ex is proposing he has them one at a time overnight on alternate weekends. That means he gets to see each child for two nights and two full days a month. In what world is that more than he’s doing now ? And where has OP said he’s grabbed any opportunity to drop all time ? His ex is proposing to stop contact if he doesn’t agree to the new arrangement which is LESS time and OP is proposing court to stop her. Maybe if you weren’t so keen to label him a shit dad you’d read and understand properly because at the moment you’re projecting and it’s getting in the way of common sense and reason.

Do you have children? Your partner has taken them away and you’ve not managed to stop it. Your new partner who doesn’t love your children has said I’m not leaving. What do you do? Who do you choose?

This is not remotely what the situation is. No-one is ‘leaving’. OP hasn’t said she doesn’t love the children - she’s actively trying to stop his ex from cutting the contact time for both kids. You’re not reading between the lines, you’re making it up as you go along. I haven’t got anything wrong and I’m dismissive of your posts because you’re talking crap.

We can only ‘know’ what OP tells us. All the rest is whatiffery, maybe, she might; all of which is pointless. If OP’s ex won’t give a cogent reason for wanting the changes no guessing from OP, her husband or us is going to progress understanding. All we can do is try to offer suggestion as to what OP and her husband might want to do.The majority of suggestions have been to pursue this through the Family Court, starting with Mediation as usual, not black and white but geberal suggestions.

From OP’s most recent post there seems to have been some response back from the children’s mother but how OP and her husband deal with that is for them to decide.

Yes. Exactly. That’s what OP said. She moved away because she wanted to, not because she needed to. She started an affair with a work colleague after DH got his diagnosis and then ended the marriage. A shitty thing to do but it happens. You’re implying that OP is either lying or not telling the whole truth. I think she’s been pretty upfront with details. If we don’t believe anything the OP says then there really is no point to MN is there ?

I just wanted to come and say that I am so sorry to hear this. As they say, the law is an ass.

When I wrote my response to the OP, having never been to court to save DSS from the stress himself, we wished we had.

Actually, for the good relationship we have with DSS maybe, despite the heartache at times, we played it right as it’ll all come good in the end and he now sees things for what they are. It’s really good to hear the other side and gain perspective, thank you 💐.

He is parenting despite health issues. OP says the condition is permanent and progressive, causing flare ups and fluctuations. My guess is MS. That being the case he will be exhausted a lot of the time. If he works full time during the week EOW is perfectly reasonable - he has one weekend in two child free where he can recuperate and do it all over again. The alternative is he burns out and has to stop working. Then he’ll be a shit father because he can’t financially support his kids. Which would you prefer ?

And what the ex did is absolutely relevant. She made a conscious decision to have an affair and leave when he got his diagnosis, then another conscious decision to move a long way away with their kids, despite knowing he’s ill and can’t drive. That’s on her. She can’t then moan when he can’t facilitate weekdays because there’s a two hour school run before anyone gets to work. She’s not proposing more contact time at the weekends, she’s proposing less, just spread out more to cause maximum inconvenience.

What? Is that how you live your life?

OP: The mum is awful. She keeps moving. She left dh because he is ill.

You: oh ok then!

Theres always something else there. I can’t argue with you because it seems you’re quite emotive to it. Let’s agree to disagree.

Interesting turn of events and still only a half weekend, albeit with both the children.

For what it’s worth, and there are some here who obviously think my opinion is worthless 😉 My suggestion would be to start the Court process a.s.a.p. and, if you can afford it, speak to a Family solicitor. They will be able to give you advice regarding what medical evidence your husband might want or need to produce to Court to reassure them of his capability, before she starts trying to use her ‘concerns’ to muddy the waters and lengthen the process by asking for reports.

Letters from your husband’s GP and, if he has one, consultant, specifically addressing his capability for looking after two boys of 8 and 10 would probably be useful and may spike her guns. She doesn’t seem to have had any concerns before so your solicitor might want to ask what has changed for her to have her ‘concerns’.

I presume the boys know that their Dad is poorly and what to do if he suddenly became incapacitated if they were alone with him ? If not, maybe time to introduce that. They are hardly tiny children and how often do we hear about 4 and 5 year olds knowing what to do if a parent is incapacitated ?

Best of luck. Do try to ignore the dross on here, some of us are trying to give informed support.

If this is your attitude why are you on MN ? For it to work we have to take any OP at face value. I think I’d rather live my life accepting that most people are truthful, rather than suspect that everything I’m told is a lie.

my point is that a lot of parents (mainly mothers it seems) who have chronic health still parent everyday day.

i can’t drive. I have a chronic illness that is permanent. I would not let that be an excuse to only parent 20% of the time. What would you think if I as a mother tomorrow decided that because I was chronically ill I was gonna stop looking after my child ? Would you think that was ok? I don’t have 80% of the time to rest.

kids contact and ex having an affair are two different issues. You out those things aside to parent and put your kids first.

He’s not stopping looking after either of his children. Have you read the OP’s most recent update. It seems that ex wants to change the arrangements to one child at a time because she has concerns about DH’s ability to look after them because of his condition. She’s even asked OP if she’s willing to be there 24/7 throughout the visits to make sure they are not left alone with him. So clearly there is a serious health concern. And to answer your question yes I would think it was OK to stop being the main carer for your child because of illness. Especially if that illness put your child at risk. I would expect any parent in this situation to put their child first and make sure there were arrangements in place to keep them safe and cared for.

OP has told her side of the ‘story’, we have no other information to work with so we have to work with what she has told us. I prefer to live my life based on corroborated evidence but in the absence of that then I’ll work with what I have rather than making things up.

I grant, what OP has told us may be a string of lies but then so be it. However, making up ‘stories’ of our own certainly does not add to our understanding of the situation.

I won’t argue with you and I don’t feel ‘emotive’, but I do feel strongly about separated parents using children as weapons. It happens with fathers and mothers, resident and non-resident parents. I’ve seen it in action.

I have tried to give OP (and through her, her husband) some ideas of what they may want to do. If my time has been wasted, again, so be it.

All we can do is try to offer suggestion as to what OP and her husband might want to do.

And one approach to that is for them to consider that although they don't know the full reasons that there may in fact be good reasons, so not just to assume the worst and risk making it all worse.

Some people jump to going to court etc when they might be able to sort it out themselves by just waiting a little bit.

Also I automatically find it difficult to trust peoples perspective when they say an EOW dad is seeing them 'lots', and we see that a lot on here, EOW 'amazing dad, spends loads of time with them, lives for his kids etc etc'. Mother who has them almost all of the time does one thing they might find a bit out of order or irrational and then suddenly people are talking about court etc because they always assume the worst rather than thinking maybe she has valid reasons.

In OPs update, the mother mentions she is worried about a scenario where the OP isn't there and the DH is looking after them himself, perhaps she has very valid concerns there.

So she feels that having both sons from Friday pm till Monday am is too much for your husband due to his health condition?
Have you left him with both and something happened? Would the boys have gone home and said you were out and their dad wasn’t well?
Im not sure how having one at a time would ease this… surely the boys would be able to help each other rather than be alone should something happen to their dad?

There are holes in the story. My lovely mum will read the daily mail and tell me what’s happened. I always say, there’s more.

I shouldn’t be shut down because I think, no one moves 3 times unless there is a very good reason or they are unstable. In that case why is the op posting about them and not thinking how can my dh help his children? That’s me. Im good with it. You can just take it as it’s written. That’s you.

I quite agree, there is a lot they can do. They can fight tooth and nail and refuse to budge but who will suffer.
Its not about letting the ex win its about the kids and if you think starting a battle with someone who is clearly unreasonable such as this ex then there will be no real winners.
The OP and her husband are already disadvantaged being the non-resident parent and going to court wont change that.
If the ex is determined to make things unpleasant and awkward then she will do that whatever. Sometimes its necessary to be the bigger person for the kids sake even if it is bloody unfair.

All parents are fucking tired, most work, lots disabled. I'm so bored of hearing about these EOW men who get patted on the back for doing the bare minimum 4 - 6 nights a month. Pathetic.