I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

The old arrangement was a lot on you with that driving, let alone the new one!
You’re right to say no and sounds
like a court order is the way to go.
She may be shooting herself in the foot as maybe the court order will be the same as before plus tell her she has to do either drop off or pick up?
Thats what I’d hope anyway!

I am so sorry she is doing this. I went through almost exactly the same thing over 15 years with my now ex-husband (except it was 2.5 hours each way and both his children had severe developmental and behavioral disabilities). The ex in my case used the children every way she could to destroy our marriage. Either she dumped them on us or she denied access and made my ex spend agonising months dealing with her lawyers. I wish I had a simple answer but all I can say is that in hindsight, she definitely contributed to the marriage breakdown. I spent 9 years running around trying to either pick them up and make them feel welcome and happy or console my miserable husband when she pulled another stunt and denied access. It sucked all joy out of the marriage eventually, as it devolved into a neverending obsession with “the children” (his children, not my young daughter who wound up having to deal with this constant focus too). In retrospect, I would recommend marriage counseling (not “How do we do what’s best for the children” counseling but “How do we save our marriage while dealing with a vengeful ex and overwhelming guilt over the children caught in the middle” counseling. The stress and guilt twists into bitterness, depression, rebellion and blaming if it is not addressed holistically and it’s misery. We should have gotten help but both of us were too caught up with his children until it all snapped. At one point, during the divorce, he really shocked me when he said to me “I gave up my children for you”. I fired back with a reality check of everything I had given up to make his children happy and loved while he brooded over his ex-wife’s attacks. It exposed a hidden resentment in both of us which I had never even dared contemplate. He finally acknowledged that I had in fact done everything humanly possible for them but by that time there was no saving the marriage. So I would recommend seeing a very good therapist now and not making my mistakes. The ex-wife is not going to give up tormenting all of you and you need outside help for the sake of your sanity and marriage while protecting the children.

Quite but if both children are just staying with Dad for a day or two and one wants to go to something inappropriate for the other child what do you do ?

The siblings in my case wanted to have occasional one to one times when the lad and his Dad could go to the footie without a bored sister/daughter and the daughter and her Dad skating without a bored son/brother.What is the ‘other’ sibling supposed to do when one is having one to one time if the parents aren’t together ?

Yanbu. She is deliberately making things hard.

But why should they change this way?
if mum wants 1-1 on her weekends she can arrange alternative childcare or playdates locally.
if dad wants 1-1 time that’s up to him to decide and organize IF he wants to. He can decide during his parenting time whether he wants this or both boys together.
I am usually on birth mums side when step mums post but I totally am
on your side here op, mum is being unreasonable and down right strange

A court order is definitely needed here. Those poor kids. Both parents need to step up and sort this out once and for all.

Do you have children? Your partner has taken them away and you’ve not managed to stop it. Your new partner who doesn’t love your children has said I’m not leaving. What do you do? Who do you choose?

I can tell by your comment you choose comfort and your new partner each time.

Wow! Some brutal comments on here!
Given that their Mum keeps moving, 2.5 days EOW is reasonable, especially when you’re doing all the picking up and dropping off.
£500 maintainence is okay especially when you pay for other extras too.
At the end of the day Mum will potentially getting any UC and the child benefit, so she’s hardly bringing them up on thin air.
So many assumptions!

I agree it’s such a trope. I get no UC despite being a part time single mum, as I worked my arse off for years establishing a professional career before having children and have a mortgage so I earn too highly. It doesn’t mean that £450 a month from my ex touches the sides when the nursery fees are over 1k though!

Your big assumption is that single mums get uc, I don’t and I spend more than £500 a month on one child let alone two.

But if parents want to give their child one to onetime they don’t get to demand that the other parent facilitates it ‘or else you won’t see them at all’ that’s coercive black mail

Nope and I think you’re very kind as it is. He needs to learn to drive so it’s not all on yoi

He needs to learn to drive so it’s not all on you

Or she could just cancel the cheque.

Jesus wept.

Unless there is a medical reason, your husband needs to get off his arse and get his drivers license. YANBU

If you bothered to read the OP's posts, yes, there is a medical reason he's not allowed to drive.

Only been said virtually every other post for pages. So many assumptions are being made on this thread by people who can't be arsed to read all the OP's updates.

Something's going on here, the question is what?

The ex's proposition doesn't benefit the OP (all the extra driving for less time spent for father and family) and it certainly doesn't in any way benefit the children.

I thought the person who moved away should at least drive half way for drop off and pick ups. At least in a fair world.

I think the courts need to decide.

Edited to say not that I think the ex should be changing arrangements for the OP's benefit, but keep moving further away and then wanting to specify this strange, changed arrangement, suggests something odd afoot.

This.

Also this.

But then she will getting to have quality time with her boys together during the week and their dad, and you, will only see them separately? That seems extremely unfair to me

Reading all your posts, this is a shit show of an arrangement.
You need to go to court and get proper schedules in place.

(You sound amazing btw. What a lovely, supportive partner).

And this.

The mum sounds like a piece of work. Time to get the courts involved for a proper, legal, arrangement.

Your hubby has been a barely there weekend dad fir years. You should be embarrassed of him!!! His poor kids. They're growing up and realizing their dad can barely be bothered to spend time with them, and their step mom wants it to stay that way.

How are OP and her DH expected to have them during the week when their school run takes two hours twice a day ? Would you do it ? No, of course you wouldn’t.

If I only had my kids EOW absolutely I would do it.I did an hour round trip twice a day to bring one of mine to school even though there was a school bus, my other child went on the school bus. For various reasons the bus suited one of their needs at the time and getting dropped in suited the other one, so yes I absolutely would have had no issue driving for mid week contact/access to spend time with my own children, it's not some weird outrageous idea like you are suggesting 😂 2 hour round trip to spend time with your kids is perfectly reasonable.

And for all we know she does have good reasons for it, but hopefully it doesn't come to court and they can come to some arrangement or keep it the same.

Exactly, and if OP is right, in this case the children don't seem to want to visit their dad separately. Or more to the point prefer to visit together.

Checking OP's posts might give you an insight

@HelenaWilson

I've scrolled to the end to say

CANCEL THE CHEQUE