I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

@martinisforeveryone
I thought the person who moved away should at least drive half way for drop off and pick ups. At least in a fair world.

There's nothing fair about expecting a mother who has the kids the vast majority of the time to then have to do half the driving when the other parent has them EOW. The mother does ALL of the rest of the driving for the rest of the 2 weeks, along with everything else.

If the driving to facilitate the children spending time with their sick father is too much for her why did she move away in the first place ?

Or why did she leave her sick husband for another man, as soon as she discovered her husband was ill ?

Yeah I agree with this. So many times on threads where the resident parent, most likely mum, says her ex wants the kids every weekend, the resounding answer is that she deserves some of the "nice" time with them also - not just the after work and school time.

I don't know what the answer is OP but it's clearly not you being the mug doing 4 hours of driving every weekend.

Perhaps she thought the new areas were better for herself and the children, and seeing as she has them the vast majority of the time and the ex was only doing EOW anyway why shouldn't she.

Who knows why? Maybe she was unhappy in the relationship before then? We sometimes see on here that people want to leave their partner and then feel like they can't once they're diagnosed with something, but perhaps in her case she decided no that's it I'm done. It's not clear if she physically cheated on her partner or just left him after emotionally cheating or what happened.

Just want to say, you sound like a great step mum that’s really trying hard. Ignore those who seem to be trying to make an issue over what you are doing

I know he can't drive. I mentioned that in another post.
But how does he get himself around then. I'm guessing OP isn't his full time Uber driver.

I've read all your posts and some of the others.

I would guess that maybe her relationship has broken down and where it was nice to have a free weekend every 2 weeks to spend together, now it's just emptiness. I could be wrong and really her relationship/life isn't really anyone else's business. However, if she won't give any reasons for changing contact arrangements with the children's father (your DH) then that's not acceptable, particularly splitting the children up if they get on well. In effect they would only see their father for 24 hours each per month. No court would deem that acceptable unless the mother has legitimate reasons for doing this.

I would apply to court. I've been through this albeit on the flipside where the father wouldn't co-operate, even though he applied to the court. He had his own agenda.

Nobody likes going to court but sometimes you have to. Just keep your focus on what's best for the children and keep personal feelings & opinions relating to the other parent out of it x

Your husband will need to take the legal route. However all courts expect that mediation is attempted first. Find a family mediation centre locally and approach for fees. It is expensive (approx £250 per meeting) but a whole lot cheaper than via the courts which could be £10k or more depending on how long it runs on.

If it is a proper mediator then they can get court sign off on the agreement reached - effectively a legal court order. However if the other party wont engage with the mediation process then you can get a certificate to evidence that the mediation failed to enable the court process to begin. Courts wont usually allow a court process without the mediation certificate.

But none of this is on your shoulders. It should not be your responsibility for contact to happen / not happen. Its a strange thing for the mother to split up the kids on contact - i wonder is it about making contact less fun with dad? Maybe the boys are talking about it at home and its making the mum feel insecure. Either way I would just suggest husband contacts mediation orgs without delay.

If it does go to court the 8 & 10 yrs old children have a right to say what they want. A social worker aka a Cafcass officer will represent the children's views in court on their behalf. The children have rights and are able to express their thoughts, feelings etc without feeling pressure from their parents.

... she is saying no contact then!

She can say whatever she wants, but this isn't her decision. She can't force no contact unless she goes through the courts and proves that the dad is a danger to the children, and there doesn't seem to be any basis for that. It sounds like she is using the children to get her way and does not care how it impacts them. I don't know why she is insisting on this arrangement (her stated reasons aren't logical, let along convincing) but she's being so erratic that it's probably a good proactive step for your husband to get a formal CMS order in place. He also should be seeing the children LOT more - if splitting up the week is impossible because of the distance, could he advocate for more time with him during school holidays?

this happened to me as a child and I developed terrible mental health issues

He needs to go to the courts if she is withdrawing contact to try and get her own way. Unbelievable she expects you to do a 2hr round trip for such a short time and every weekend. Absolutely not. A court order will be best option so she can stop threatening stopping contact.

@ImthedriverSo good luck with meditation, it is needed.

You sound like a caring and supportive wife, and lovely, reasonable step mum

Hmm, as for splitting them up the boys won’t see each other for four days a month that’s not a ridiculously long time for siblings to be parted. My only objection would be that they wouldn’t spend time together with their dad. However, it appears your main objection is that it would be inconvenient for you.

The stuff about working long hours during the week so you can effectively spend four days a month with the boys, isn’t the big sacrifice that you think it is. All the adults in this situation don’t come across particularly well.

This is just pure fantasy so that you can continue to blame DH for the actions of his ex. OP was perfectly clear. He received a significant health diagnosis. She was unhappy about it and began a relationship with a work colleague, and ended the marriage. Doesn’t matter if the relationship was physical, emotional or both, cheating is cheating, and particularly callous in this case.

OP also said there was no need for ex to move away - it was a want not a need. What kind of resident parent deliberately moves their children a two hour round trip away from their other parent without good reason - especially knowing they can’t drive and are ill ? You stated in an earlier post that ex shouldn’t have to drive the children for contact as she has to do everything else during the week - well boo-hoo. She should have thought of that before moving them to a place that would necessitate a two hour school run, effectively preventing DH from access during the week.

This woman is now proposing to change the contact which will actually result in DH seeing his children less, not more, but will necessitate contact every weekend, one child at a time. I can’t think of a single reason why you would support such deliberately inconvenient behaviour which is entirely self serving and detrimental to the children themselves. You’re clearly projecting your own bitterness here to the detriment of actual fact.

DH is ill. Ex knows it and appears to be making things deliberately difficult. There is only one reason ex is proposing one child at a time, and that’s to tie up every weekend for DH. No court is going to allow this kind of arrangement without a compelling reason. It’s not in the best interests of the children and they’ll see straight through it for what it is - an attempt to inconvenience. And if DHs illness has reduced his earning capacity then maybe, just maybe he needs to work longer hours in order to pay the £500 a month maintenance that posters here are so critical of. And maybe he needs the child free weekends so he can recuperate and do it all again. Illness takes its toll and it’s clear that DH’s condition is significant and progressive. We cope however we can.

But it’s not good for them to not have time together with their dad - that’s family time. This plan really encourages them to compare and be jealous and judgemental - dad did what with you? You had pizza??

He’s ill. Significant and progressive health condition which fluctuates. I’m guessing MS. He possibly uses public transport or taxis if/when able and OP will be used to running him around in the car a lot more than a partner would normally do. He also possibly claims PIP to help with extra costs. In these circumstances loved ones support each other, because that’s what you do when needs increase. In sickness and in health and all that. Not that any of ths is relevant to OP’s situation, unless you’re suggesting he does the journey himself by other means ?

🤣🤣🤣. He’s unlikely to be able to use public transport, which would probably turn a two hour round trip into four hours anyway - if you think PIP mobility is going to cover a two hour round trip by taxi four times a month, you’re deluded.

Go to mediation, then court. You will get more time with them, together, and she will be worse off at the end of it. They are unlikely to give more that EOWE during term time because you are over an hour away so they don’t want the children’s schooling disrupted, but set out a schedule of what you want, EOWE Friday after school to Monday morning. Shared handover travel responsibilities. Time in every holiday. This is very likely to be granted.

It’s clear they like being with you and it’s clear they like being together. She’s not putting her kids first in this situation and it’s really bloody sad. It always is in these types of situations.

We spent years backward and forward dancing to their tune (her and her ex-H, who has called us to apologise since everything that’s happened in the past 2 years) just to keep the peace and not put DSS in the middle or through stress feeling he was wrong or had to choose. Every time we got ready to take things further she’d become reasonable for about 6-12 months and then some nonsense would start again. She was hugely manipulative of DSS and would get him to say when he did and didn’t want to come. If we had our time again we would have taken it to court from the very beginning in hindsight. So do it and just get it done, because, in the long run, that is the best thing.

We have an interesting situation now with DSS he’s now a teen and you can see that, whilst she still has a bit of a hold over him as it’s a pattern that has been built over years and years, he knows what she does/what she did. He loves her, she’s his mum and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but he isn’t dumb! Since she left her last husband and they were introduced to her new boyfriend straight out the bat and his old step dad has had to fight to see his own children and DSS was old enough to truly understand what was happening the scales well and truly fell from DSS eyes! That’s what she needs to remember is that, in time, her children will grow and become very wise to everything that’s gone on!

Let’s stick with the information OP has given us and leave the fantasy to published fiction writers.

It absolutely is about OP if she’s the one expected to facilitate contact by doing all the driving. I don’t think posters appreciate how a significant health diagnosis changes things - especially a progressive condition. DH’s is significant enough for his ex to have ended his first marriage because of it.

We have no idea how his condition affects DH, but the EOW arrangement likely allows him to spend an active weekend with his kids, before a week of work, which, let’s not forget is paying maintenance for them. His condition possibly means his earning capacity is reduced so he has to work harder to earn the same wage. So each alternate weekend ‘off’ means he has a chance to recuperate before doing it all again.

OP has been very guarded about divulging his condition, citing tiredness and fluctuating symptoms. I’m guessing MS, which, if correct, is going to be immensely difficult to deal with as time goes on. I think both OP and her DH are doing their best in what sounds like difficult circumstances. I think you’re right, it is about what DH wants, and that appears to be more time with his kids than ex seems to want to allow. It’s also about how much capacity his condition will allow - work and everyday living in general will all be affected.he still has to Given that OP is on board in supporting him, l don’t see what the criticism from some posters is about.