I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

I think we have identified the ex!

It's not 'help' when a man takes his own kids for access.
By that logic they need and want her 'help' a lot more than she needs theirs seeing as they love their child free weekends and the mother is in charge of looking after the kids and doing everything for them the rest of the time.

Not another poster who hasn’t read the whole thread.
He can’t drive for medical reasons.
@Teddybear23

Pack it in! The mother doesn’t even want dad to have both kids EOW, let alone every weekend! And quite rightly so… I would hate my DD to be at her dads every weekend… when are mums supposed to spend quality time with their kids? Because lets face it evening after school can’t be considered the same thing as kids come in, eat, do home school / after school clubs, bath and bed.

OP honestly stop answering all the people on here who haven’t bothered to RTFT. You’ve answered these questions.

YANBU. Unfortunately you will have to go to court if the ex can’t revert back to original schedule.

it’s separating the children/more travelling/less time with the kids. Unless there is a good reason the ex can provide, the new plan is not in anyone’s interest

Fuck my life it's absolutely shocking the number of thick pp who either can't or won't comprehend what's being said.
Anything to blame the dad.
Shall I try to make it easy for the thickos?
THE EX WIFE LEFT HIM WHEN HE BECAME ILL.
THE EX WIFE MOVED 3 TIMES FURTHER AWAY EACH TIME.
IT'S NOT PRACTICAL DURING THE WEEK WHEN SCHOOL IS AN HOUR AWAY.
DH CANNOT DRIVE DUE TO AN ILLNESS.
THE EX WIFE WILL NOT THEM HAVE THE KIDS ANY LONGER DURING HOLIDAYS.
Op has said it's time to go to court.

They are at school in the week and I would imagine their mother would like to spend a weekend with them. How do you think it should work?
Rhe mother needs to stop moving around and move closer to their family. If she lived close then it would make her life easier. Some people like to make life harder for themselves.

Agreed. Or at least read the OP’s posts.

@lazyarse123 spot on!

Because she’s being awkward, wants the power, or just being bloody minded ? I don’t think OP and her husband can read her mind.

It's not unreasonable to not want to spend hours driving for a 24 hr visit. It's not unreasonable to ask why the sudden change. It's not unreasonable to want to see them for the whole weekend together. It's also not unreasonable for their mum to want to change the set up - she probably has her reasons. But your DH doesn't know because he hasn't asked.

And whilst medical/health issues resulting in fatigue etc are a challenge, they do not stop you being a parent. He has 12 more years at least where he needs to make them his priority. Unless absolutely not possible, he needs to get on with it. Most mums don't have a choice, regardless.

£500 p/m for 2 children? That seems very low. Is he on a lowish salary?

It may be worth looking at finances before going down the legal route - it may result in the maintenance payments being significantly increased.

It's a difficult situation but IMO, their dad does seem a bit flaky. 2.5 days out of 14 with a week in the summer seems minimal. As do the maintenance payments

@mydogisthebest

It's worrying that so many posters seem unable to read properly and/or comprehend what they are reading.

It is. MN as a whole is very quick to call out misogyny but there's a lot of misandry on this thread. So people are reading what they want to read, not what's actually written. The mum has done no wrong, it's all the dad's fault.

But OP, when you go to book your DH's driving lessons can I suggest you cancel the cheque while you're out.🙄

I should put your glasses on and read ops posts again.
The ex wants to go from both kids from fri afternoon to Sunday night to one kid every week from sat morning to Sunday morning.
Meaning they would never have both kids together to do anything with the added bonus of them never being able to make any plans for themselves.
On no planet is this a good idea.

I would go for a court order, In it I would mention that she is the one who has moved three times, each time further away and therefore she should meet use halfway to facilitate contact as it was her decision to move. The judge would see this as very fair.
i would also ask for every other weekend, school holidays split and alternative birthdays and Christmas. These are all things a judge will agree on as a bare minimum. Good luck

Firstly, i’m glad that DSS have three carers that all love them. Secondly, i understand how picking and dropping each weekend would be inconvenient for you especially since weekends are supposed to be restful. Personally, i know you love the kids and don’t have a problem with them but i think you need to set boundaries because yours and DHs relationship is also important. try to ask your dh to come to a compromise between what both you and ex want without a court order first. But also honestly i think dh should be taking more responsibility for picking and dropping his children off. Maybe get driving lessons to get the burden off of you??

Plus never have a full day.

But the ex won't let him have them any more than that. She wouldn't even jlet him have them for a week over Christmas. He wasn't fussy which week but she only allowed 3 days. She's just being a bitch.

I’ve never felt so much of a keyboard warrior until recently….

OP’s husband is not allowed to drive due to a health condition, which was one of the reasons his ex left him in the first place.

Please read OP’s posts.

Fucking hell this thread is hard work. He cannot drive as he is medically not allowed.

Don’t worry OP there’s just a lot of hostile, bitter ex wife’s who love to annihilate women! And you wonder why their husbands ran off and started new lives. This place is full of vile bitter women!!

The ex sounds very difficult which is a shame for the DC, she is not prioritising the DC welfare, under the circumstances a court order sounds necessary. Good luck.

Court order time.
Child arrangements shouldn't be made solely for the convenience of one parent if it isn't convenient for the other and the original plan was working well enough.
I'd insist on keeping the current plan and that the kids are used to the routine, by withholding them for such a petty reason won't look good if you do have to follow through and get a court order. She is punishing the kids to have this tantrum.

Absolutely agree.. There are so many ex's who intentionally cause drama especially with the other parent repartners, they try to make things as difficult as possible... It puts pressure on the children too when one parent carries on like this.
Some posters can't get past the fact that some women are the problem in these situations and not all men left for another woman so not all step mothers were the OW but select people seem to jump on that assumption (says a lot about them though, creating whole new assumptions..)

I cannot understand why some people need to have a go at you and your DH, you have explained that your DH can't drive for medical reasons surely that's enough, because he may be unwell doesn't mean that he doesn't love his children and wants to see them regularly and you kindly facilitate this
Some nasty twisted people here.

My 3 children are adults now but my ex would only ever have the children EOW, when I asked him if he could see them a bit more often to give me a break he refused, despite him not having a job. Funny though, EOW was still more time than he spent with them when we were married.

Sorry to disagree with the main poster but she married a father of 2 children, why would you expect to have some weekends to yourselves? Especially when your DH’s ex has them the other 25/26 days of the month on her own.

Are you being deliberately obtuse or have you just not bothered to read OP’s updates - even a few posts back because the information is all there. DH cannot drive because of a significant medical condition which will get progressively worse. His ex knows this as she was his wife when he got the diagnosis and promptly had an affair and ended the marriage. She then moved a two hour round trip away knowing he couldn’t drive if he wanted to. The ex is actually proposing less contact overall, not more, which a lot of people are missing. If you’re going to comment, at least be aware of the facts.