I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

OP sounds like you’re both great and the ex is a flaky nightmare. No parent should be using their children as a bargaining chip to get their own way, it is incredibly irresponsible and out of order for her to be doing that. My partner’s ex has 2 out of 3 kids two weekends a month and jumps at the chance to not have them or get them back to us early. She doesn’t want holidays, or any occasions with them, including Christmas, and pays about £350pcm for all three although only for the last couple of years, and if any extra driving or flexibility is needed my partner has to do it all. Not involved in their lives at all. Honestly, I’d be thrilled to have someone as lovely as you guys for the kids to go to! Get a court order, she’s clearly not rational or sensible, and you obviously have a much better idea of what is right for the boys.

Much better to go to Court and if CAFCASS are made aware by OP’s husband that he believes the boys prefer to visit together then CAFCASS and the Court will take their wishes and feelings into consideration.

As a PP has said, it's most unusual for orders to be made for children to visit separately. Sometimes if there were a male and female teen with widely different interests but these two boys are only two years apart and OP say they like visiting together.

I’ve seen a couple of times where there was a significant age difference or one where a teen girl and boy preferred to visit on their own occasionally so Dad took the boy to football, the girl skating, and they had one to one time without the other getting bored or feeling left out. They still visited together most visits. But, then the parents weren’t trying to score points or be awkward…..

My parents divorced when I was younger and I would've been gutted if me and my sisters went to my dad's on different weekends. Also, those giving op a hard time for them not having the kids every weekend, I would've hated being made to go every weekend, we enjoyed and needed to spend proper time with my mum too. EOW was perfect and we still have a good relationship with my dad.

My ex had DD
he picked her up after school Friday, she stayed overnight, spent day with Dad - went home.
it ended up she came Wednesday, went home Monday after school. My ex had a busy social life and played football blah blah blah
was left to muggings here …..

partly the reason he’s an ex, that and the gaslighting, cheating, alcoholism and financial abuse. His current partner thinks he’s an absolute catch…..

As soon as she started moving further and further away, he should have went to court. Why did he wait? I guess it meant that he had to see them less and do less.

If your husband can’t drive, is he learning? Does your husband come with you to pick them up and drop them off because otherwise no way would I do so much driving alone for his children regardless of how much I cared for them.

I thought the onus was on the parent who moved away to do the driving. Why don't you agree in the short term, as long as she agrees to drop them off and pick them up? Then you need to go through the court. Every other weekend is very little contact these days, sounds like a set up from decades ago.

Prepare yourself - if anything happens to their mum, you'd have to have them 24/7.

For the love of God please read some of the thread. DH has a degenerate illness that prevents him from driving. Ex has moved further and further away.

I assume they've moved too far away to allow you to see them during the week and get them to school.
The kids are unlikely to appreciate being split up. They are also unlikely to want to spend every w/e away from their main home - friends, hobbies, groups etc.
It's also not great that you won't get a child free w/e ever.
I'd be tempted to wait and see what happens. I think the ex will crack before you do but if not, go to court as she won't get away with refusing access altogether.

What the ex is proposing means that he will spend less time with each child than he does now. He doesn’t want that, but ex is threatening no contact if he doesn’t agree. That doesn’t sound like a dad who can’t be bothered to me. And ex knew he couldn’t drive before she moved a two hour round trip away. A good parent wouldn’t do that.

Read. The. Thread.

Try reading the the OPs posts even if you do not read the full thread.

I totally disagree. SHes happy to drive and the system has been working perfectly till now. Partners support each other

This is a very odd thing to say out loud. Imagine if the mum said she also needs to work hard during the week and plan other things every other weekend? Or insist on 50-50 custody what happens to the children then?

Wow. Nasty nasty nasty.

Particularly nasty as OP’s husband's ex left him for another man when OP’s husband got a seriously bad health diagnosis.

Why is MN always so keen to stir s*it between couples?

It sounds like his ex is trying to sabotage any free time that you have together. It's an absolute NO from me, what a cheeky cow to expect you to agree to her idea.

Not unreasonable at all and perfect grounds for going to court to cement the arrangement. It would be different if mum was dropping and collecting but it is all being left to you to do a minimum of 4 hours for the sake of having the kids a fortnight to double that. He will be down about not having his kids especially because he actually wants to be present.

Go to court and use this as an opportunity to get more time if you'd like it. I think its wicked that she gets to have them as a complete family unit and she wants to now take away you guys being a complete family.

Why can’t the mother do one of the trips? Pick up from school OR pick up to take back home. It seems it’s all on 'you' to facilitate any contact at all.

Probably because she has them the whole rest of the time and is bringing them absolutely everywhere else?

That theory doesn't really add up, seeing as the mother seems to like keeping them for most of the holidays and while she does want to switch to every weekend she only wants it to be for 24 hours.

Not read full thread...but don't dance to her tune. So she wants both kids all the time at the weekend (by going no contact 🤣). That's hilarious. She wants the control but that will go very sour very well quickly when she gets no time at the weekend to herself week in week out..
I wouldn't be shelling out for a lawyer and a court order quickly. She sounds a manipulative so and so. Have a few weeks off and reassess.... Do not dance to her tune or let her feel she holds all the cards.
She needs and wants your help. So yes you will help, but on fair terms.