I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

And isn't access meant to be for the kids sake not the parents?

Exactly my point 🙂

Crucial info, given the BU question posed originally. Not mentioned early enough.

That still doesn’t mean he ran off with another woman and abandoned his children does it ? OP says his ex had an affair and left the marriage when he had a health diagnosis. So OP is not the other woman - in fact it’s the complete opposite. And DH spends 60 days a year with his kids via every other weekend. We don’t know how much time is spent with other holidays - which his ex limits. Lots of posters also not understanding that the change the ex is proposing means less contact, not more. This is not OP or her DH proposing this, it’s his ex. Maybe take off the ‘bad dad’ blinkers and actually understand what OP is saying.

Not really, and she answered your post promptly explaining why he couldn’t drive. That was yesterday, surely posters can read the updates before they comment, or is that too hard. Funny, that’s what I thought they were for.

Er - if you’d read literally one post underneath the comment this poster made, you’d see she realised her mistake and apologised.

I wonder if there's a club option, where one goes to friends, so she'd get time without the boys?

Er ... doesn't change the fact that so many people make assumptions about non drivers

no, they cost significantly more!

You said "my dc cost far more than £250 a month each - more like £500 or more". So you can see where I got that figure from.

The mum should be paying the other £500 so that's £1000 for 2 kids. If they're costing more than you're doing it wrong.

The ex is being a total bitch; particularly as she’s moved further and further away. She can’t stop contact - your husband has a right to see his kids. It probably does mean going to Court though. Good luck with it.

A few things here.
if he was still with ex or you had kids together, they’d be there every weekend. You’re with someone with kids, YABU to miss your child free weekends. We’d all love that sometimes!! What if she died/ was ill, he’d have to step up as a father.
but I agree you shouldn’t facilitate it. He needs to go to court if he wants access.

You will need to go to court over this. But why is your husband not learning to drive so this doesn't all fall on you?

I’d get husband to send a message saying that unless she resumes normal arrangements, you will go to court. Say as she moved away, you’ll be asking for the court to agree that she either does one full trip or meets half way.

Did she even say why ? Is she for real , that doesn’t make any sense . Take her to court no judge will refuse contact if contact hasn’t been a issue until now

Please for the love of God read the updates. This has been answered several times, and within the last couple of pages. DH has a progressive health condition that prevents him from driving. His ex knows this.

Absolutely go to court .. they will not allow mum to call the shots like this.
Much better for fathers now .
Courts don't take kindly to threats of no contact either keep all texts any messages she sends.
Don't retaliate don't give in .. tell your hubby / partner not to worry she won't get away with it.
Its classed as mental abuse to to stop a child seeing a parent in this manner x

Why not suggest a rota? Both boys with you, both boys with her, then boy 1 with you, then both with you, both with her boy 2 with you?
That way theres a decent amount of time together, but every third week one is having 1-1 time with a parent.

Ex is unreasonable. Unless you have an "in" with the ex and can reason with her, you need to start the legal process. It totally sucks but getting the details on paper and legalized works. No court will accept siblings being separated every weekend. It makes zero sense and won't fly in the courts.

Court order is only option as she is being so unreasonable and manipulative. She moved away and should do 50% of the driving. DH needs the EOW with both boys as it has been for years plus more time with them in holidays. He can still agree to £500 a month even if he sees them a bit more.

It feels a bit like she’s trying to make things difficult. I think a court order would be nice. Your DH also might be able to secure more access to his children as it sounds a bit like his ex is controlling when he can see the boys.

Seems like a really weird arrangement. I used to really like doing things with my sister at that age and I’d have been gutted if we were off with our dad on different weekends and never had any time together.

Yep. I currently (still) practice law (with a focus on family law) and this kind of setup is something I have seen once. Also due to unusual MH and disability related reasons…

Has OP said anything to suggest they wouldn’t step up if there was a tragedy ? If so, l can’t find it. I know a few divorced couples with kids. Neither parent has them every weekend - they all do EOW with mutual consent. I think OP is being perfectly reasonable not to facilitate this. Ex was the one who moved a two hour round trip away and given that that means their school is also a two hour round trip away, she can’t expect OP and DH to have them during the week - her choice. And her choice for EOW by mutual consent. The arrangement she’s proposing may mean OP and DH have a child every weekend but theyre not together, and the overall time spent per month is much less than they have now.

He doesn’t need to/can’t learn to drive. If you check OP’s posts you will find he’s not allowed to drive for medical reasons.