I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

@DotAndCarryOne2 There's assumptions all over your posts.

And 50% of that is £5 a day.

Would you be amenable to something like the following:

Weekend One - both DC Friday to Monday

Weekend Two - DC1 Saturday to Sunday (ex does driving)

Weekend Three - both DC Friday to Monday

Weekend Four - both DC with ex

Weekend Five - both DC Friday to Monday

Weeknd Six - DC2 Saturday to Sunday (ex does driving)

Weekend Seven - both DC Friday to Monday

Weeknd Eight - both DC with ex

This seems a good compromise?

I'd push for court ASAP, and a record of polite texts asking to renew contact, asking why she wbats to change it and if there's a different way to support her. Keep a log of attempted calls by Dad to talk to kids etc.

Her new set up seems only designed to punish Dad bad the kids. I doesn't seem to benefit anyone.

Is she still with the guy she cheated with? Do they have kids? Wondering if there's some pressure that end?

What maths are you doing? 50% is £5 but that wouldn’t feed a hamster 😆 my dc cost far more than £250 a month each - more like £500 or more. You know people wonder if they can afford a dc? It’s not because it will cost £500 a month and that seems a hard target 😆

Exactly. Who wants their kids to spend every week Friday night to Monday morning else where and just be left with 4 nights a week? Given they're in school, she'd see them for about 16 waking hours. Dad would get more like 28. How is that good?

Your children cost £500 a month? Well, that's good, as that's what the father is paying in this scenario. At what point do you think the mum should pay any money towards her children?

Clearly the answer is that OP and DH move closer, take 50/50 and pay no maintenance. Everyone’s happy!
Except they wont be. Ex clearly doesn’t want to give up any more time with them, she wants to reduce it down. As they get older that pattern will get harder to manage.
DH will be the bad guy no matter what he does on this thread.

I wonder if DC are coming home and saying what a good time they’ve had and ex is trying to spoil that, splitting them up, reducing the time.
I know people who loathe their ex’s even though they were the ones who left.

It’s not about the maths, it’s about division of costs. The £10 a day you quoted is for day to day stuff - 50% split. Of course that doesn’t include all the other costs like housing etc, but my point is that DH is paying £500 per month and also has contact EOW, and looking to increase that. We have no idea what other costs he and OP cover because she hasn’t specified.

Plus kids probably wouldn’t be able to see school friends etc.

every weekend at dads is likely not in the best interest of the children.

I think you aim for keeping the current setup but add in a weekend per month where you take one child (switch each month) on their own for the proposed time but she does the driving/ you meet half way.

This. OP and her DH will be the bad guys no matter what they do.

Here we have a situation where a step parent is looking for a fair and equitable resolution to maintain contact with her partners’ children, while indicating that an ex who callously ended her marriage because her husband became ill, is clearly putting her own wants and needs above that of her children and deliberately making things as difficult as possible for her ex. It’s almost as though he’s being punished - as if having an affair and leaving him because of his diagnosis wasn’t enough !! And still he’s the bad guy. Batshit.

Agree

If he agreed to the new arrangement, he would still only see each child every other weekend.

And for less time. Ex is proposing reducing overall time for both children from four days and six nights a month to two days and two nights each. It doesn’t make any sense and looks designed simply to cause inconvenience.

You need to learn to read the OP’s posts (several of them have said the same thing; shouldn’t be too challenging for you).

Children spending time with their separated parents should not have anything to do with money.

Apart from this being a very complicated arrangement, OP has said the boys prefer to be together.

They have said they don’t want to do contact every weekend as they want their own time to rest and be together as he works hard and is tired. She has used the chronic illness as a reason why they have eow contact which was why I was commenting. You can be a very active parent and have a chronic illness. You may need to make adaptions and yes there are some days that are hell on earth.

OP, I can't remember if a co-parenting app has been suggested and if it gets to Court or even a less formal arrangement, I would suggest ex should at least share the driving but do try not to even consider meeting half way. It gives one 'side' too much power due to timings and there are few things more depressing than seeing children and their luggage being passed from car to car in some random car park.

It's not really your job to facilitate contact between the two parties. What would your DP do if you weren't there?

This story is too neat and tidy for me.
The father spends about 60 days a year with his children - that's 15% of the year and OP describes him as a good father.
There's a lot more to this story.

OMG first of all what business is it of yours that someone doesnt drive? Secondly it has been said multiple times in this thread that he cannot drive due to medical reasons. The childrens mother CAN drive but no one is slating her for refusing to do it!

If you bothered to read the thread. He wants more, much more in the holidays. Mum won’t allow it and she’s the one pushing to reduce the time down further. He would see them more inbetween weekends but she moved away and made it impossible m.

Ok so if your kids cost £500 a month each ( my grandchild cost my daughter nothing like that btw) then the OPs husband has 2 kids So £1k. He pays £500 and the mum pays £500. Can't see the issue.

@NewGirlInTown
How about you actually read the thread. The husband can’t drive for medical reasons.