I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

I’m surprised he’s not challenged this sooner. Maybe it’ll end up as a blessing in disguise if it means more contact.

I think this is something a lot of posters are overlooking in the rush to criticise the current arrangement OP. Ex is proposing one child every weekend,but only for one full day and a night, so each child effectively has only two days and two nights a month with you instead of the current four days and six nights together. She’s reducing contact but spreading it over a longer period, one child at a time. Have you asked her why she wants this ?

I do agree with others that a court order is necessary and maybe include defined holiday time, and also look at restrictions on her moving the children any further away from you. This does seem to be a case of her deliberately trying to make things difficult and she clearly hasn’t got the best interests of her children in mind - l can’t see any court agreeing to separate contact with each child unless there’s a compelling reason for it. And for what it’s worth l think you’re getting an unnecessarily hard time from the step parent hating brigade who clearly have trouble with reading/comprehension because their own projection is getting in the way.

This!

Or she moved away because she wanted to and didn’t consider or care that means the kids are further away from their dad? Yes she should facilitate getting the kids to their dads or half way as she moved, but if she doesn’t want to, a court order won’t make much difference because she could just ignore it

I'd go to court. Focus on the children's best interests and that you've been facilitating her choices of moving away, holiday dates etc but need a settled predictable arrangement that allows them to spend fun, relaxing time together at the weekends. Do it quickly as the time is coming they'll want to spend it with their mates rather than miles away with their dad so his time with them is likely to reduce in a few years.

OP, you must be getting very fed up with all the people commenting without RTFT.

I think you and your DH have tried your best with his children, to maintain contact and not get into too much conflict with the ex. It sounds like she's being very unreasonable, and doesn't have the children's best interests in mind - no discussions, her way or no contact! Perhaps she thinks she will get more money that way ...
I think your only option is to attempt mediation, which i suspect she won't engage with, and then go to court. You'll probably end up with more contact, and a schedule which is agreed more in advance which will make planning easier.
Good luck OP.

@ImthedriverSo it will be hard but for now I wouldn’t engage with her .
Get dp to contact a solicitor Monday morning and start the ball rolling for a court order for A LOT MORE time
Yes he has a condition but alot of single mothers do too and they have to get on with it. He has your support and a mother who has them nearly full time.

As the mother moved away the courts may even make her do the driving or at least half of it.

It is a weird request from his ex . Maybe you will find out through solicitor contact that there is more to it.
Is your dp doing enough with the boys ? Are they possibly telling mum they are bored . Does the ex feel the two boys together is too much for your dp.

Or maybe the less time with dad the more maintenance for mum.
You will know her better than any of us .

Did you miss the bit where the OP said everything was fine up until now?
Presumably she had her own reasons for moving and it wasn't just to keep adding a few minutes onto the OPs journey every time.
Also did you miss the bit where she said they've had this arrangement for years? so even when they lived closer they still had this EOW arrangement because they like to have the 'balance'.

Because he can't drive ( for health reasons) and the kids mother won't. What's so difficult to understand

No, she's just saying she still has to parent, even though her condition sounds awful to live with and even harder to parent with. A mum would never get or want the option to opt out and just not see her kids 80% of the year.

It's not difficult to understand but, for some reason, many on here are incapable of understanding it.

It's worrying that so many posters seem unable to read properly and/or comprehend what they are reading.

I think the people criticising the EOW arrangement are forgetting that if Dad has every weekend, Mum is left with the weekday slog and none of the more relaxed weekend time. I would think most Mums would prefer to have their kids home EOW.

Huh? My dc cost more than £10 a day for food and clubs, clothing, hair cuts, school trips

What does your DP think or want? What will he actually do about this? It's not about you. It's about the DC and their dad.

The first step is to initiate mediation as that needs to be done prior to court, if they refuse then you can then file for court. EOW has been set as a precedent so any change would need to be justified, you can also then request fixed chunks of time during school holidays, 1/2 Easter, 1/2 summer - with a 2 week block etc. You can also block any further moves and request that she does part of the driving to facilitate contact.
Having recently been through this it’s a pain to have to do it but much better in the long term as you then end up with a fixed pattern that can’t be changed on the whim of one person.

Yes I am also a tax payer, thanks. I have always worked and have progressed in my career since my children were born. I have a good job now which fits in with the children. I will continue to climb the ladder when the time is right. My exh claims more benefits than I do. HTH

The thing is. Some people literally have no choice. I can’t just wake up and decide that I no longer want to be a parent. Some days I physically cannot and have to have other people help but when op has said dh is tired and has chronic issues I can relate, it is awful but it should not be used as a reason to see your kids 20% of the time. also mothers with chronic issues are very much expected to just deal with it a lot more then fathers which I see a lot.

She moved three times, each time further away, despite knowing DH can’t drive, and she is actually now proposing to reduce contact time over the month, from four full days and six nights, to two full days and nights for each child, and to separate them at contact times. She restricts holiday time spent with the kids and is difficult about timings. Good parents don’t do that, just as good people don’t up and have an affair and leave their partner when they have received a significant health diagnosis.

OP and her DH aren’t the bad guys here, they’re trying to facilitate more time with the children, not less, and the only person being difficult about it is the ex. She chose to move a two hour round trip away, effectively stopping any mid week contact by making the school run too difficult for a non driver and putting the onus on OP. All feels very deliberate.

And OP hasn’t specified what the arrangement was when ex lived nearer, or whether she moved straight after the split, so that’s an assumption on your part.

No I am aware of that, that doesn't mean I don't judge men harshly who are content with only seeing their kids EOW.

And if they do only want to do the bare minimum fair enough but they (and their partners) shouldn't make out they spend 'lots of time' with them when it's objectively not true.

So basically what you’re saying is that men should be held responsible for the choices women make ? Ex dictates contact time, is difficult about timings, restricts holiday time, has moved a two hour round trip away, effectively making it impossible for mid week contact because of unreasonable school runs which OP would have to facilitate because he doesn’t drive.

On top of that ex is now proposing separate contact time for both kids which will effectively reduce the time each one spends with their dad, but will tie up every weekend. And you think DH is the bad parent ?

I don’t see him using it as an excuse at all. If he were, then he and OP wouldn’t be seeking more time with them, not less, as his ex is proposing.

OP said they've had this arrangement for years and never said that they used to take them mid-week, so the assumptions I'm making are safer assumptions than the one you're making, because it reads like the arrangement has always been EOW no matter where she lived.

Difficult about timings in the OPs eyes, for all you know the mother has valid reasons, and if she's only away from them for a couple of days at a time then a weeks holiday was probably already a long time away from them so I can see why she refused 10 days and only agreed to a week, likewise at Christmas, if she has the kids for all the hard and tedious days I can see why she would feel she should get to enjoy the fun days of Christmas and New year with them. If the dad did a more fair share during the tedious times during the rest of the year then maybe she'd split holidays more evenly.

I don't necessarily agree with splitting the kids up but perhaps she has reasons for this, a friend of mine has recently went through a separation and sometimes she will keep one of her kids when the others go to their dads, it suits him because he doesn't like taking them all and she likes it because she can do one on one stuff with them, which sometimes they need.

Finally, a bit of common sense and objective advice.

The contact time of EOW has suited them all for years, OP has said they enjoy the balance, so the OP hasn't been dictating there, it suits them to only have the kids EOW. The mother didn't do any of the driving but that's fair enough when she has the kids the rest of the time and no doubt drives them everywhere else they need to go.

I already answered about holiday time but as I said she's only away from them for 4 days out of the month so I can see why she wouldn't want them to go away on 10 day holidays.

As stated already also it doesn't sound like there was ever mid-week contact so the mother can't be blamed on that.

The only issue I potentially see is this new proposal, but hopefully they can sort it out.

I’m not making any assumptions - safe or otherwise - in the absence of fact. And if she wanted dad to do some of the more tedious times and be more involved, then she should have thought twice before moving a two hour round trip away.

According to OP we’re talking about a woman who effectively broke up her marriage in the most callous way possible because she didn’t want a partner with a significant health diagnosis. The move away was also a want, not a need. So she does what suits her - which is evident in putting her own needs and wants ahead of her kids’ best interests. Which would have been to be a bit more considerate of her ex’s difficulties and try to facilitate easier contact. Instead of which she seems to go out of her way to do the exact opposite.