I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

Maybe the mother shouldn’t have moved away to make it difficult/impossible, as he can’t medically drive. I am sure the kids have been fine. So over-dramatic 🙄

💯 agree

There really are so many nasty and twisted women on Mumsent, jumping to angry and negative conclusions without any knowledge or evidence and attacking the OP for no real reason - yuk. I always de- register within a couple of days of registering!

He needs a court order to sort out access/custody.

What about having both one weekend per month and then one child twice a month? So you see them and extra weekend a month and get time together and separately.

its a 2 hour round trip and 1h is a very long way to travel before school in the morning, to answer all the people saying he’s a shit dad because he doesn’t insist on 50/50

What are you like!? My God!

She's sounds like she wants to control the situation.
My way or no way!
We have the same problem unfortunately and my husband loses out on his children for standing his ground and saying its not fair!
Stand your ground, you clearly are a solid couple who wants the best for both of the children!

Exactly. Some of the comments on here are outrageous and just plain stupid. Reading comprehension skills also appear to be thin on the ground.

If they were your kids you definitely wouldn't think he was spending a lot of time with them if it was just EOW and a holiday in summer.

That might be a lot of time with them for say a grandparent, not for a father.

A balance? of just seeing his kids EOW?
They're his kids, not some random activity or hobby that he needs to fit in around the rest of his life.

YANBU. EOW is a very standard arrangement, even though lots of MN posters think it’s wrong.

As a pp suggested, this is just power play from the ex

Your husband needs to learn to drive. Is he banned?

My apologies, I must have scrolled past the medical explanation for the non-driving.

It's a very standard arrangement because lots of dads want to do the bare minimum.

It would be considered 'lots of time' with them if we were talking about someones godsons or nephews, but EOW and a week in summer objectively isn't lots of time with your own children.

If the mother became unwell and the boys went to live with the OP and her husband and the mother only had them EOW then I bet the OP wouldn't think the mother was spending 'lots of time' with them.

Not all health problems are the same. You can’t possibly know how he is affected because OP hasn’t specified. Lots of virtue signalling on this thread.

Have you missed the bit where the ex effectively controls the time spent with the children, and has moved away knowing that her ex doesn’t drive ? Has it not occurred to you that mum is deliberately making things more difficult, like many posters have you just jumped on the bandwagon of deadbeat dad ?

What a ridiculous post. You seem to have scrolled past everything OP has posted that’s relevant, including the ages of the children - which was the very first line of the very first post.

Posters are so busy criticising the amount of contact time they’re ignoring the fact that ex controls this, including the amount of time spent with the kids in the summer. Ex has also moved a two hour round trip away knowing DH doesn’t drive, and is now proposing to limit contact even further. Has it escaped your notice that as well as wanting DH to have his children separately, he will actually see them less because instead of having them Friday to monday - three nights and two full days- ex wants to reduce to one full day Saturday, and returned Sunday morning.

Are you on the right thread, and if so have you tried actually reading and understanding it ? It was the other way around - OP was not the other woman.

I agree calling you stupid isn’t right, but the poster was right in every other way. You’re saying the poster has no idea of how challenging and debilitating your condition is, and yet you’re quite happy to judge DH in exactly the same way. No disability or health condition affects any two people in the same way and just because you can cope doesn’t mean others can. You’re virtue signalling and it’s really unpleasant.

His ex left him for someone else. He received diagnosis and she was very unhappy , she began a relationship with a colleague. He did nothing wrong

It's a very standard arrangement because lots of dads want to do the bare minimum.

When there is a thread about a father wanting more time, you can guarantee there'll be at least one person saying he only wants it in order to reduce or avoid maintenance. And others saying 50:50 isn't good for kids.

The every weekend scenario she demands is not more time ! It’s less ! Just more driving. As we have both Fri late afternoon to Mon Morn she wants to change to basically 24 hours approximately each weekend one child at a time it’s actually less.

Has your husband actually asked why she’s requesting this new arrangement?

Why did he agree to EOW and one week in the summer in the first place? (60 out of 365 days)

Is he planning to challenge this or just accept no contact?

We have them in other school holidays too he basically has to beg we never know set days till absolute last minute for half term/easter/christmas. Summer is hard as we need dates to book a holiday. Often she ignores him , I think a court order necessary now.

Get a court order. I think i read you said mum refused mediation, but I could be mistaken, so if not you need to go to mediation and get it written up. Make it airtight with dates, times, illness, school holidays, christmas and other special days, who picks up and drops off. Everything. That way the conflict between you two and mum will be less and there will be less debate!
In hindsight, he should have done this when she started to move away the first time, or the second time, etc. As it does make it harder now to do more abd have more flexibility due to distance.