I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

I will admit OP the “we love our child free time” did not read well, considering his ex is full time parenting the vast majority of the time…there’s not a huge amount of time asked of you both. I’m sure you didn’t mean it quite the way it sounds though, as you do sound like a kind caring step mum. I take your point that their mum has moved further away making it logistically more difficult but yeah honestly it just read as a bit unnecessarily blunt.

I think you really need to try to find out why she wants to separate them like this? It’s a very odd idea… it doesn’t make logical sense and as you say siblings probably want to spend time together with their dad… it just doesn’t make any sense. I’d be pushing for an explanation to be honest.

Maybe he wasn’t ill when he became a Dad. We don’t know and don’t need to know. My Dad was perfectly healthy when I was born, 5 years later he was diagnosed with an illness and by the time I was 13 couldn’t walk.

The ex moved away. She took the children an hours drive away. She does none of the journeys to or from their Dad’s.

She must have known the Dad couldn’t drive for medical reasons when she moved.

Not many mothers want their children to go to the Dad’s every weekend.

Collecting and returning the children is 4 hours driving for the OP.

Why are the OP and her DH getting such a hard time?

The ex moved away. She took the children an hours drive away. She does none of the journeys to or from their Dad’s.

She must have known the Dad couldn’t drive for medical reasons when she moved.

Not many mothers want their children to go to the Dad’s every weekend.

Collecting and returning the children is 4 hours driving for the OP.

Why are the OP and her DH getting such a hard time?

Because there’s a lot of bitter posters around who will jump on any opportunity to make the man and step mother the villains as clearly his first wife can do no wrong

A Court would be unlikely to give 50:50 if father lives an hour away from the school and doesn't drive.

Is your children's father not a good parent?

So, just a virtuous thing to say then. Easily done.

Didn't bother to do what?

We only have one side of the story and there are always two sides.

You "love your childfree time"?? You get child free time 12 days out of a fortnight. Every other weekend and a holiday in the summer is not a lot of time and is not trying his/your best, it's a joke and absolute bare minimum.
I don't know the age of the children but has anyone asked them what they want? 1 on 1 time might be nice for them, mum, and dad but everyone needs to be on board with it, and it needs to be fair to them and both sets of adults. Wouldn't a pattern over 4 weeks of:
Weekend 1: Ds1 or 2
Weekend 2: Both sons
Weekend 3: Other ds
Weekend 4: Child free
be fairer?
Therefore both mum and dad (you!) get a weekend "off," children get 1 on 1 time with both parents and two weekends together, one at each house. You/dad see slightly more of them/they see slightly more of you, Mum gets her 1 to 1 time and you get your "child free time."
Court order also necessary for the sake of the boys to stop mum stopping contact.

Any man who abandons very young children to run off with another woman is a villain in my book.

Did you actually read the thread? He can’t drive for medical reasons.

@TheDaysAreGettingLongerAgainthe ex wife ran off with a colleague. The husband did not run off and leave his children.

Their mum wants to reduce the boys' time with the dad from 2 x 66hrs per month to 2 x 24hrs. This will not affect the boys' travel time, but double the OP's. Neither set of parents will able to have a full weekend with the kids, limiting trips etc.

@ImthedriverSo Do the boys have any regular clubs on Fridays/Sundays that are paid for by the mum and they miss when they come for the full weekend? This is the only reason I could see for the change to 24hrs. Then she's decided she wants 1-1 with the boys hence separate visits. It could also be there's a activity she wants to to weekly with both boys that only have sessions Sunday afternoon.

If they're in a football team they could be missing training and matches every other weekend, affecting they're progress and position in the team. A girl that was at her Dad's EOW so wouldn't be available for many matches on my daughter's team. He lived 40 minutes away and lots of matches would be an hour away from us in the other direction. The coach wasn't particularly sympathetic and viewed this as unreliable and she would always start as a sub.

She’s being very unreasonable imo.

I hope your DH manages to get it back on track for all of you.

Good job that's not what happened here then. The mum did that - do you have such wise words for her?

Totally agree with this. Like it's anyone else's business why someone doesn't drive. Clearly have no clue how it feels to be prevented from driving due to a medical condition. Really used to grate on me when people used to ask why I didn't learn to drive. I could bloody drive but lost my licence for medical reasons. I have it back now but reading comments like buy dh driving lessons/ why doesn't dh learn to drive/dh needs to learn to drive, I find the assumptions and ignorance is astounding!

Do you have a reading comprehension problem?

If you bothered reading OP’s posts rather than making up your own version you’d see that’s not what happened here.

Jesus Christ, talk about twisting the story

What about a woman running off with another man? That's what happened here. She took the kids with her and is now taking even more time away from him by changing the Friday - Monday to Saturday- Sunday giving him 1 night with his kids instead of 3!

He didn't, it was the ex who left with another man.

But that is coming from tax payers the £170 per month PLUS your child benefit. So as a tax payer I am asking how you and the DC father intend to improve your earnings so that I as a tax payer don't have to fund that.

I’m not sure you will get the advise you want in here, as you can see, most will want to find a way to paint your husband as the bad guy.

What could she possibly spend more than £250 a month per child on?

So if she also contributed £250 a month on each child from her own personal funds does she spend more than £500 a month on each child? If not then even if they each cost her £400 a month (which they won't) the ex is paying more towards their keep. Ddt any benefits as that is the tax payer contributing to their keep and I doubt she contributs much at all. So don't see why you are demonising the OPs partner for what he pays.

Don't think OOW is enough though. The seperate thing is weird, but he should want to see them as much as possible

The OP doesn't want that. She thinks four days a month is lots and shows what a good parent her husband is!

Apparently she only allows them a week in the summer holidays. Why has he not been to court years ago to insist on half of all their holidays spent at his? That's completely indefensible on his part.