I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

No, I think you might need to pop back to the original post.

Currently, both boys spend every other weekend with their father which means he sees them both for one full weekend a fortnight.

Mother wants to change that to one boy alternating each weekend. One boy weekend one, the other boy weekend two but for a shorter period. Instead of both boys (Friday pm to Monday am, every other weekend) only one boy each weekend Saturday morning to Sunday morning.

Father would never see the boys together but OP would have to drive to and fro every weekend. I don't understand why a mother would not want to spend any weekends with both her boys.

Not really.

It's all alien to me this wanting time to yourself when you're a parent and being happy to see your kids every other weekend. I also would find it absolutely impossible to find such a man attractive in any sense.

In any case, the OP is a mug for facilitating all this. They aren't her kids and if it were me (which it absolutely never would be) then I would be leaving it for them to sort out and staying completely out of it. THere's no way I'd be driving back and forth and all over the bloody place either.

I think she mean an hour for her driving, so by public transport it could well be 2 or 3 hours. If there is some Sundays that could be 4 or 5 hours travel easily.

This is where I get lost with these kind of relationships. How can you want to be with a man who wants to spend 6 days a month with his children because he’s tired and needs time to rest? All parents are tired! “Enjoys his child free time” indeed! He could have gone to court years ago instead of all his nonsense about what length of holidays his ex will “allow” but he doesn’t want to. I’m a stepmum and my DH has 50:50 and still loves any extra second with my DSD because he misses her like mad when she’s at her Mum’s!

He's not even doing the minimum and if he's so far away and can't drive then maybe weekends at the moment would be all he could do? What a mess. Another reason why anyone with small children was a hard pass when I was dating. Fuck all this nonsense.

No one cares about these kids.

Because he can’t drive for medical reasons and the mum moved further away?

I’m usually the first to blame a shitty dad, check my history if you like. My dad paid £5 a week for me! But I have RTFT and this is not one. He’s working full time with a medical condition - he was able to do more when his ex was closer but she moved away. His partner is happy to facilitate EOW and school holidays. Can’t do weekdays because of being far away and school. I don’t think every weekend is reasonable when the mum is not happy to drive them and expects a step parent to do it. She knows her Ex can’t drive for medical reasons. She also chose to leave him for another man? And now she wants to split the children up for what reason, who does it help?

An hour isn’t very far away, I grew up very rurally and it took me more than an hour to get to school every day.

but on your actual question you need to understand why she thinks that is the best option. Have a proper conversation.

Our city centre is an hour away on the bus. We go most weekends. That’s just to shop/play etc.

The children didn’t choose to have such shit parents. His medical issues haven’t stopped him restarting his life. Just driving.

Right? It’s bonkers to me. Surely the EOW is helpful because she gets free time when they are both at her dad’s to catch up on exercising/relaxing/sorting stuff out/seeing friends. Why would you want to make it so you don’t get that and your boys not getting a weekend together to play and bond?! Madness.

It's not 2 hours travel a fortnight though, it's 4. An hour each way to pick up and then an hour each way to drop off.

The new proposed schedule would be 4 hours driving every weekend to facilitate 24 hours contact for one child.

That's why midweek isn't possible either. It would be 4 hours driving on a Wednesday night.

I think that's what OP and her husband think. No rationale.

You don’t know that though. It depends on connections. Say it’s an hour by car but 2 by public transport. So he goes on a Friday after work to get them - gets home what 7pm? Straight to bed. Not a great evening for the 1 child he picked up. Then Sunday - set off at what 5pm? And he gets home at 9pm and then work next day? Kid knackered, dad knackered every weekend - and mum not even getting a break because she has the other kid 🤯

How judgemental, there could be any number of reasons why someone doesn't drive

At last, someone else who can do the Maths.

No, it's even worse than that. The new proposal is Sat am to Sun am, not Friday night to Sunday night. No quality time for anyone.

sorry 2 hours a journey. Its 1 hour travel to see you children there is no excuses!
as I’ve said I don’t agree with the separation but he should still manage to see them every week.

Op ignore the posters who say you are doing more. It sounds like you're doing a lot - I don't think I'd be doing all the driving when she's upping sticks and refusing to. She sounds like a cow, who is trying to get her way.

It’s less time with the boys but uses more of OPs time - maybe thats the point of it.

It’s difficult and I don’t agree with what she is saying/doing but I could never imagine being happy with seeing my kids for 2 of every 14 days. Unfortunately, she’s being difficult (and to be clear I don’t agree with her approach) but if I was him I would move to whatever area she took my children to until I could get a court order for more time. There’s no doubt in my mind your DH loves you (and this may not suit you/the professional life you have built for yourself; which is no easy feat) but his children should come first and he should be chasing them to the end of the earth

If he wanted childfree weekends he shouldn't have become a dad. If you wanted childfree weekends you shouldn't have married him.

OP - I'm really sorry but no one on MN gets that people can have life long conditions that mean they can't drive (I do) and it pisses me off so much that people are quite happy to diss posters who are basically disabled for not being able to drive.

she’s moved 3 times, how can he know where she will be? He doesn’t drive and has a job, so he can’t just move every time the ex does, especially if he goes to all the trouble and then they move again…

@ImthedriverSoEvery other weekend is the absolute bare minimum though, the poor kids! They should be seeing him either every weekend or some days during the week.

This.