I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

No. I'm reading the one where he doesn't want to lose childfree time or make any arrangements that don't involve his wife driving. Nothing about the children's best interests.

If that is the truth of it, then he is a poor father looking for an excuse.

However, I don't think having them separately is necessarily the way forward. It's not more time with both boys, just the same time but spread out. He can show where he stands by what action he takes now.

Either way, it's not on OP to drive both weekend mornings to facilitate both the actual parents' whims.

But mother won't do any driving and the children's father can't drive.

Quite.

It's not really an increase though- he currently has both of them Friday arvo to Monday morning. She wants to change to one kid only, from Saturday morning to Sunday morning. So 24 hours every 2 weeks.

In saying that though, usually if you're an EOW parent, there's a mid week arvo thrown in too- why isn't he doing this OP? Even my crappy ex tolerated the long drive to do this (for a little while 🙄). They would have Wednesday night dinner together.

The driving for the mid-week thing would be on OP. He doesn't drive. Fair if she doesn't want to do it.

I mean my children will always live with me. I’m a good parent.

Id be a lonely little hobbit for my children. I’d follow them. They come first. If only all parents thought like me.

Guessing you didn’t bother?

refusing to even engage when she wants him to increase to a paltry two days a week and choosing to have no contact at all rather than a few days more.

Under the proposed new arrangements, he will actually be seeing each of his sons LESS than he was before.

Previously:
Week 1 DS 1&2 Fri pm-Mon am
Week2 -
Week 3 DS 1&2 Fri pm-Mon am
Week 4 -

Proposed:
Week 1 DS1 Sat am-Sun am
Week 2 DS2 Sat am-Sun am
Week 3 DS1 Sat am-Sun am
Week 4 DS2 Sat am-Sun am
And no-one has a full weekend ever to plan a trip or do anything.

Sorry, I’m trying to work out your Maths. Both boys every other weekend or only one alternating each weekend seems to equate to the same times to me, but he never gets to see both boys together. OP says the boys prefer to be together and why would their father want to only see one at a time ?

It’s an hour away though, even on public transport this is a normal daily travel time. And they are complaining of it once a week!

I do think you'll have to go to court though OP. Her suggestion is rubbish.

But I would suggest stop saying things like "he's tired from work", "he needs rest time because he works hard" 🤣. Ummm you know all parents do this, even with their kids living with them 24/7, right?

OP, you must be very frustrated at the lack of reading ability/ comprehension of many posters.

From the details given by the OP, in this case I would be encouraging the OP’s husband to start a Court process in the hope that the issue could be resolved at Mediation before moving to a formal Court process.

Child Arrangement Orders (CAO) usually cover the resident parent moving location. Moving further away from the non-resident parent often needs a change to the CAO or at least a formal agreement between the parents.

A resident parent, who is able to drive, moving further away from a non-driving non-resident parent would have to be considered carefully in the interests of the children.

On the face of it seeing the boys separately seems unusual especially as it seems to imply the boys would not have any weekends together. I’ll leave all the speculation and reaching about the boy’s mother’s motives in moving or wanting to change the times to the fantasists.

Yeah I agree with that. But surely there's other ways. I wonder how he coped in life before he had a personal chauffeur.

And where is the mother demonstrating the children’s best interests? Moving away, splitting the kids up, limiting the weekends?

Plus we love our childfree time too.

While this is an odd arrangement and you shouldn’t be expected to ferry them about, this didn’t sit right with me. You chose to be with a man who has two children. You don’t get entitlement to childfree time together at your whim.

No, stepmum/OP already drives, she picks up and drops off on dad’s weekends. Mum doesn’t take a turn, and yet she is the one who moved an hour away. Instead of two journeys at the weekends when the children visit their dad, mum is now suggesting four. Shown very clearly in a post by @HelenaWilson above.

How can you be struggling? By the old arrangements he spends two days a fortnight with his children (five if you want to make it sound better). The new one he spends four days a fortnight with his children. If he was a good father they would also get his undivided attention during that time.

How cruel she wants to split up siblings for her own needs

Come on, he doesn’t drive for medical reasons, personally while I’m the first person to say everyone capable who can afford it should learn to drive and half the ‘I can’t learn’ people on Mumsnet need to build a bridge and get over it and learn to drive, I don’t want people who can’t drive for medical reasons jumping in cars! His wife left him for someone else, has moved an hour away, refuses extra time with the kids and is now refusing to let him see his two kids together at all. There’s no reason for that and it’s definitely not best for the kids - he needs to go to court and no judge in the country is going to approve her view. I’d push for some more holidays and set the Christmas plan a bit more evenly once she’s already forced them to court.

What does that have to do with me thinking he's a shit father? It's not primary school, we don't have to pick a side. The only one of them here is the OP and she's putting forward his case, not the mother's.

So she’s just decided that they just don’t come at all.

Many court orders go for 50/50 custody now unless there is a concern about the standard of parenting. So just be aware that going to court could lead to this. I have seen some absolutely crazy schedules issued where the children move every 3 days. And the judge may take a dim view of an EOW set up, so I suggest taking some legal advice from a lawyer specialising in family law, and exploring structured mediation first.

Moving an hour away isn’t very far.
They were only doing the return journey every fortnight so 2 hours travel a fortnight to see the children it’s minimal.
I don’t agree with the new arrangement but it’s not an excuse to just give up contact.

Are you for real? EOW is half of the time that isn’t all about getting kids up, fed and out to school and then home, fed, homework and bed. It isn’t ’the bare minimum’ that’s often suggested, it’s a reasonable split of the non-school days. What kind of mother would want to do the hardest part of the week and then give every weekend to someone else to do the fun bits?

That's a weird comment - if he sees them both every weekend in term time, then mum only gets them around the school day except in holidays!