Should she be stepping up more?

[LucyYak21]

My long term partner has recently moved in (within the last couple of months) with me and my child (10, autistic).

She is good in lots of ways (she makes sure the washing up is always done, she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog).

I have a long term health issue, and they have recently found out that I have a profound vitamin d deficiency (they said they could not find a detectable amount in my blood, my levels are that low). All of my health issues along with this new issue, has left me absolutely floored. I am exhausted all of the time to the point where I can just about do things for my child, but then have no energy to look after myself or the house. I am not able to work at the moment because of it and I am on long term sickness.

Normally I am very on the ball and on top of everything - the housework, the washing, etc - but I have massively fallen behind (the house is always tidy but hasn’t been cleaned for 2-3 weeks properly) and it’s getting me quite upset and overwhelmed because I physically don’t have the strength or energy to catch up with it at the moment.

My partner gets about 2-3 days off a week but has quite decent hours and either starts at 2pm in the afternoon, finishes at 2pm or works night shifts and obviously then is at home during the day.

I have started to notice how she is good in lots of ways but equally quite lazy in others. For example, she knows how unwell I have been and how overwhelmed I am with the house etc. She had 3 days off at the beginning of the week - didn’t do any housework (even wiping down some surfaces or giving everything a quick dusting), didn’t do any clothes washing for us all, anything to actually help lessen my burden.

I feel like how I’m feeling physically and mentally could be slightly clouding my judgement so asking for some KIND opinions please - do I need to have a conversation with her about stepping up more whilst I am unwell or is she doing enough at the moment trying to look after us all during this time and housework/washing clothes etc can be caught up with at another time?

If you are sick of seeing her sitting down instead of wiping down/hoovering/dusting I think it’s not right that she’s living there at all. It must be very awkward for you both.

You sound very independent in spite of your ill health and you didn’t want her to move in with you in the first place. You felt pressured.
It was a mistake to allow that to happen OP so you now have to put that right and ask her to move out as it just isnt working for you.

Best to go back to living alone with your child and then there’s no expectation that she should do more to help the household, and Therfore letting you down.
You can just invite her when you feel up to hosting her.

I never made any gender biased comments. I assumed the op was female.

You simply need a cleaner, and a chores rota. Split things fairly in that you should do slightly more than partner as they work more.

But if you're really struggling health wise I hope you're on all the relevant benefits?

Where is your child's other parent?

Sounds like you need to employ someone to the jobs you are incapable of doing, she is your partner not carer, cleaner or childcare provider.
Hope your levels stabilise soon.

I didn't get that from her replies at all but I didn't see the deleted ones. I did get that the partner doesn't do much around the house and by being there is creating the OP more work when she's feeling crud.

And in all honesty, would stepping up for a couple of months while the OP recovers be such an entitled thing to ask? Are couples not supposed to support each other through thick and thin?

I have a feeling that the lady moving in full time is kinda expecting it to be when she was a guest visiting, ie, not doing much. They need to talk.

But she didn't move in to be her carer, or did she?

Yes, she should do her share. BUT she should not have to carry the household. Or IS she a nanny with a fanny?

I haven't read all posts.

This is a communication issue. Sometimes we assume our partner knows what we're thinking/need.

Have a chat about who will do what around the house. Get specific - I'll put washing in the machine and get it out to dry. Can you take on the roll of putting it away when it is dry. I'll take on the kitchen, can you keep the bathrooms clean. I'll do the mopping, can you keep on top of the hoovering.

Not say they should take on half of everything, but ask if they will take responsibility for certain jobs that you're struggling to keep up with.

So the OP has to only pay half of what was being paid.

£300 a month will pay for time each week to have clean toilets and hoover dog hair and mud off the floors

I don't think she's asked her to be her carer? While not have to 'carry the household', she doesn't and shouldn't create more work for the OP to do, at a time where she feels awful.

@Reassurancells I know you had realised the poster is a woman, I just meant most other posters hadn't and were displaying gender bias which were influencing their responses.

@jbm16 you are correct the OP has been a bit aggressive in her responses but she’s very unwell, with very limited energy and living in a situation she finds stressful. It’s not an excuse for being rude but it does explain why in those circumstances someone might be a bit short tempered or not explain themselves as clearly as someone who is feeling well.

It’s hard to understand living with chronic illnesses unless you’ve experienced it and the physical fatigue is so overwhelming that you are constantly fighting to do the smallest task. It’s very frustrating to be surrounded by mess (regardless of who created it) and have no energy to tidy up, especially when an able bodied person has the time and capacity to do something about it but chooses not to.

@LucyYak21 you need to have an honest convey with your partner, she should be doing at least half the housework as a minimum. If she thinks that’s unfair then she needs to move out again. Do give her grace though, if ts not easy living with the person you love who is unwell, it’s draining in a lot of ways that you might not realise.

It very much sounds to me as if the GF should not have moved in.

Maybe the OP needs to express that it isn't working?

And pay the extra council tax for having 2 adults, use of electricity etc. It's not much money left.

You haven’t mentioned what time she starts her shifts that finish at 2pm. Or what time she finishes the ones that start at 2pm. Have you ever worked a night shift OP? I suspect she works full time in very unsocial hours, getting up before you’re even awake and getting home after you’ve gone to bed. Would you prefer it if she left all your childcare to you, so you have to do all the school runs etc in return for wiping down the surfaces and sticking a load on instead?

So why let her move in then?

OH how fab, you got yourself BOGOF deal, Nanny and Housekeeper. You must be well made up.

Wow, did you read the posts? I can only presume that it's a no because otherwise you'd not have been so bitchy.

She doesn’t do the school run, she said her child has autism so is put on/taken off the bus - which we given to assume is outside her house.

Everybody who lives in the house is responsible for keeping the house clean.
I can't believe the responses I'm reading!

You didn't want her to move in and you say you prefer living alone - why did you agree to it? That said, things aren't working out and she hasn't been there for long. In your shoes I would consider asking her to move out again and go back to how things were. From her perspective, she is doing more than she had previously when living on her own and has more responsibility - living with a child with autism probably brings an additional set of challenges, so perhaps she feels that what she's doing is enough. She might not be happy about the current arrangement either.

I’ve only got to about halfway through the posts, but what I’m reading from you is that you are understandably frustrated by feeling this ill and how it’s limiting you. Hopefully once the Vitamin D situation is resolved, you will feel stronger. Have you had/ can you ask for a Vitamin D injection? My understanding is this makes a significant difference to how low and frustrated someone feels.
You have said you didn’t want your partner to move in, but relented because they did. You’ve said that if she were a man, MN would call them a cocklodger.
I don’t think they are - they are helping with the kid and the dog, and paying half the bills. I think this is a case of your values (household cleanliness) not matching what they prioritise (their own rest and wellbeing, the wellbeing and needs of kids and animals.) I would probably be like them and thinking that the housework can wait. Perhaps they see this as a temporary situation. I absolutely do not see this as your partner sitting on their arse. Did you discuss how you would divide up household labour before she moved in? If this wasn’t discussed and it’s so important to you, this was a significant oversight.
I’m reading this as a mismatch in values and priorities. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong, but the fact you didn’t want her to move in to what you see as your space, coupled with your own frustration at being sick is fuelling your resentment. I think you have 3 choices:

1. Wait until you feel you can approach this reasonably and discuss the division of labour with your partner. Not as a “you’re not doing enough” but as in what you feel needs to be done and frequency versus what they feel needs to be done. Find consensus and compromise.
2. Look at where the two of you can leverage help. PIP/ buy in services.
3. Consider if cohabiting is really going to work out for you.

I hope you feel a lot better soon.

I can understand her situation and feeling frustrated, but her expectations are unrealistic of a new partner that has just recently moved in. It sounds like her partner is helping with a child that is not hers, helping with dog, working nights. Yet her focus is on what she is not helping with, rather than what she does contribute.

I agree they need to have an honest conversation about each others expectations, as living together doesn't seem to be working at present, I would suggest there needs to be some compromise, I don't think you can expect the house to be a show home with the current challenges. If I'm honest I struggle to see what the partner is currently getting out of this relationship, or how the OP would cope if she decided to leave.

I can’t believe the nasty way the op has responded!!

I think you're underestimating what your DP does, you say she makes 50% of the mess and pays half the bills but you pay for your child. She is paying towards your child if she is paying 50%, she isn't making half the mess if there is also a dog and a child. She's doing the washing up and half the care for the child and the dog. If she was your DCs parent it would be different but she isn't, she's doing more than many would expect from a step parent.
If you care about your relationship you need to appreciate what she is doing and recognise you both have deficits in cleaning so hire a cleaner. If I was your DP doing all she is doing and you were acting like I weren't doing enough, I'd be thinking you just wanted a carer, not a partner.

She's working 4 or 5 evening or night rotating shifts a week, she gets your kid breakfast and to the bus stop if she's home, she's been doing the washing up and dog care and caring for you.

When does she sleep? I don't think you understand how draining rotating shift work is. It's harder on the body than working straight nights. She might be completely wrung out herself with the household work and caring for your child on top of shift work. And you're complaining she's lazy because she didn't dust or do laundry for 3 days. She's already overworked.

It's not working for you. Get a cleaner. Have her move out and hire everything done that she's been doing.

Wouldn't you when being attacked?