Should she be stepping up more?

[LucyYak21]

My long term partner has recently moved in (within the last couple of months) with me and my child (10, autistic).

She is good in lots of ways (she makes sure the washing up is always done, she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog).

I have a long term health issue, and they have recently found out that I have a profound vitamin d deficiency (they said they could not find a detectable amount in my blood, my levels are that low). All of my health issues along with this new issue, has left me absolutely floored. I am exhausted all of the time to the point where I can just about do things for my child, but then have no energy to look after myself or the house. I am not able to work at the moment because of it and I am on long term sickness.

Normally I am very on the ball and on top of everything - the housework, the washing, etc - but I have massively fallen behind (the house is always tidy but hasn’t been cleaned for 2-3 weeks properly) and it’s getting me quite upset and overwhelmed because I physically don’t have the strength or energy to catch up with it at the moment.

My partner gets about 2-3 days off a week but has quite decent hours and either starts at 2pm in the afternoon, finishes at 2pm or works night shifts and obviously then is at home during the day.

I have started to notice how she is good in lots of ways but equally quite lazy in others. For example, she knows how unwell I have been and how overwhelmed I am with the house etc. She had 3 days off at the beginning of the week - didn’t do any housework (even wiping down some surfaces or giving everything a quick dusting), didn’t do any clothes washing for us all, anything to actually help lessen my burden.

I feel like how I’m feeling physically and mentally could be slightly clouding my judgement so asking for some KIND opinions please - do I need to have a conversation with her about stepping up more whilst I am unwell or is she doing enough at the moment trying to look after us all during this time and housework/washing clothes etc can be caught up with at another time?

I don’t think you do but happy to let you think so.

Not necessarily a CIN plan - although legally every child with a disability is entitled to be assessed for support under CDPSA, the reality is most aren't due to staff pressures

But yes, an EHCP and DLA definitely

£300 won’t cover must outside help once the increase in bills is deducted. Her partners income could also be impacting any universal credit claim.

I think OP would be better off ending the relationship and seeing if she’s entitled to anymore benefits (especially PIP even though the claim is an absolute slog and not a quick fix) to pay for outside help.

Are you claiming everything you can for your daughter OP? DLA, child support from ex, etc

Hopefully she will move out imminently, if she has any sense at all.

I don’t think it’s at all fair to expect and autistic 10yo to fill in caring gaps for adults. Young carers are a real problem in this country, and support should be completely exhausted before anyone even considers making a child care for their parents.

I cannot possibly imagine what is in this arrangement for your DP nor why she wanted to move in. Aside from the fact that you don’t actually sound like a very nice person from some of your responses …

She pays half towards house costs, in a home in which three people reside so by rights she should only pay a third.

You are expecting her to work as a carer/cleaner.

You don’t seem to understand that people who work night shift need to sleep when they come
home (and even on the days when she is not on night shift, I assume she is finishing work late if she doesn’t start until 2.00pm). You are coming across as very self-centred, it’s all about the way you feel physically and not about how your partner might feel. (And I say this as someone with a long-term autoimmune condition myself and extreme fatigue due to it.)

Yes, she should pull her weight in the house. But if you weren’t expecting her to be a carer, you wouldn’t be expecting her to take on more just because you are unwell.

Reading what you said about her saying she feels safe there etc - that’s not a reason to move in together @LucyYak21 this doesn’t sound right for you at all. I think if you were happier with the arrangement, her not doing the dusting etc would be less of a bother to you. I can only say what I said before - you need an honest chat and to be prepared to ask her to move out if you can’t reach an agreement you are both happy with (which she’d have to stick to).

The OPs child is and always remains the OPs child.

That the additional person needs care should be recognised not ignored and dismissed.

The OP is busy claiming the rural dog is the cleanest occupant of the house. If that were true what is that saying about the OP

And being MN the misogynistic language may be a large part of the reason the OP is not getting the validation that is being shopped for.

OP has £300 a month more for the household than they did before.
That should be spent on cleaning, albeit temporarily, under the circumstances

OP it sounds like you need to be more proactive.

Just because help doesn’t come naturally to you it doesn’t mean you don’t make the effort to find help yourself

It's fairly apparent the op neither likes nor respects their partner.

So stop using them as unpaid domestic labour.

Just ask her ? What happens when you say ‘please tidy up as I am exhausted’

or ‘can we tidy up together for 15mins’

then suggest a rota or a cleaner.

use your words, instead of being a martyr

But you still have more money since your OH moved in, 50% you said? What does the extra money go towards?

I would never say “love them as your own”. I’m not up for that.

love them. Yes. Cook dinner for everyone in the house - yes.

but get them up and ready for school? Drop them off? Pick them up? Nope. Not doing that. Do homework? Nope.

I am an interested adult but the caring beyond that falls to the parent.

Spend a few quid on a ball teach the dog how to fetch from a chair at the door.

Pay the cleaner the full £300 each month

No. If you were a woman posting about a man, you would have had your arse handed to you on a plate.

Some people are not very good at housework and also people have very different standards and schedules when it comes to cleaning and tidying.
You need to have a proper discussion about what needs to be done and how often and who will be responsible for it.
Some people might dust once a month and others once a day. Some people change bedding weekly, others monthly. Some people wash up straight after dinner, others leave it until late at night.
I think this is a mismatch in expectations and a communication issue.
Discuss what is needed to be done, agree on how often and then discuss a rota and who will do what.
If you expect dusting to be done weekly and your partner monthly, you will have to compromise if you cant contribute to the chore, or you will need to pay for a cleaner.

It takes about 4 months to replenish vitamin D levels with medicine, so you're in for a while of feeling like pants. Please take a continual dose for years to come too, to make sure you do not get this low again.

You can either ask her to help, outright, keep it light hearted and say you are aware that you're asking and being cheeky for some extra help for a little while, or you pay for a cleaner for a few months.

But, it sounds like you both need to sit down and sort out the chores between you for the future because it's already an issue for you, rightly or wrongly. Communication is key!! If she is now your full time partner and you both live together, then that would be normal to share the running of the house. Child care is down to you of course.

I can’t work out if your OP was badly worded or if the story has changed through the thread @LucyYak21

If she’s not doing her share of the housework and is leaving a mess for you then that’s not ok.
She should be doing a bit more maybe and making sure the house is basically clean. But you do need to recognise that if she’s doing shift work then those days she’s ’sitting on her backside’ are actually when she should be resting too.

You’ve had some harsh comments and I do think some posters have been really shitty with you but you haven’t helped yourself at all with how you’ve responded.

Pause and really unpick what the issues are and how you think they can be resolved.

You mentioned your partner's work hours and said it meant she was sometimes home in the day, but I don't think you should expect her to do housework etc just because it's daytime rather than nighttime. You have other valid reasons for wanting her to do more, and you should discuss these, but the times she's off work aren't really relevant.

Vit D deficiency is going to be making you feel very low physically and emotionally and probably uncharitable so tread carefully when broaching this with your partner. I would get vitamin D injections asap.

In your opening post it did seem there was an expectation of care however that was only a snapshot and not necessarily reflective of the situation, however it has coloured peoples responses.

With that in mind, and your decline in health, could your partner be concerned that you have an expectation of them (the op could have been interpreted as she moved in and then you got unwell and the house work found to a halt and perhaps your partner felt you stopped as she’d appeared which would bring ill-feeling despite that not being the case) or do you think they’re just oblivious to the dusting?

Honestly OP it sounds like a miserable situation.
I think she needs to move out and you proactively seek support or get the family member who’s willing to to move in.
You’re not happy and even if she is, it’s doomed if you’re resentful of her from the off.

Do everyone a favour and go back to the way things were

the money saved as the partner is paying for bills and OP is not

Well it’s £300 minus any increase in bills. Which apart from council tax will be minimal, but council tax could be around a £50 increase depending on OPs area. And that’s assuming her partner contributes separately towards food shops.

I don’t think either of them are gaining anything really from this relationship and would both be better off single.