Aibu for feeling upset tonight at DH and DB for being a pair of unhelpful gits?

[Chinsupmeloves]

Today, I was out at work, did the shopping, while DH as usual wfh. I took the kids round to DB's after dinner and they had a great time. Came home about 9pm and I had forgotten my handbag amidst all the bags I was carrying plus walking our dog.

At this point I was tired, was annoyed at myself so asked if DB would walk half way to meet me and bring it. Would also have been nice if DH had offered to meet half way but wasn't expecting it. It's literally 10 mins and that little act of kindness would have meant a lot. But nope, my fault, neither could be bothered, so I went out again in the dark alone (not that this bothers me) to get my bag.

Just felt so disappointed in both of them. DH has had the whole day wfh (not a stressful one) and evening to himself and DB is between jobs. I, on the other hand, left the house at 7am, barely got a break at work, then went back out again with DC and eventually wanted to relax.

Would it really have been that much for them to leave the house they had been in all day and night to help me out?

I know some mumsnetters are scared of the dark

That is very flippant and dismissive of valid concerns. Many women who are “scared” of walking out at night aren’t scared of the dark but have a healthy fear of the risk of men taking the opportunity to attack them when it’s dark and there’s less likely to be other witnesses/ good visibility

I was once followed home from the train station at 10pm by a man who said he had a knife- he wanted me to take him to my house. I lived with other women at the time and knew 2 of them were out. So I took him to the neighbours’ house (who were all men) and knocked as I had “forgot” my key. I was lucky that day as they could have been out, but they weren’t and scared him off and called the police for me.

I still walk home in the dark out of necessity but I’m a lot more cautious than I was before that incident. And my husband will always go instead/ give me a lift if it saves me walking alone at night.

Please be mindful of how you speak about these things as it comes across as being mocking of the many women who have been attacked while out after dark.

There are some really interesting philosophical points of view coming out on this thread, the different points of view would probably add up to quite an interesting academic paper.

I think you've struck at the heart of this though - neither DH nor I would see it as "fixing" the other person's probably and nether would there be an expectation with resulting pissed-offed-ness. I think most of the time our immediate reaction wouldn't be "that's your problem/I need to fix it" rather than "you have a problem, how can I (reasonably) help fix it."

And tbh sometimes in this sort of situation the other one will be knackered too/can't face going out again/etc - but I think we'd acknowledge that? Sort of a "oh god, I'd offer to run down and grab it but I'm going to be honest I've had a shit of a day and just can't face it." And then prob offer to sort the kids or whatever while they do the "fix".

Does that make sense? I think there's something in the general approach that we address (reasonable) problems as a shared endeavour, even if they've been caused by only one of us.

Yeah I think your DH could have helped you out here tbh. My DH would have for me I think. Not sure about your DB though. I'm assuming he has his own kids and was needed for their bedtime. And I think he did host, even if it was just takeaway - he has the clearing up to do.

I agree it is interesting and there's probably a read across to household chores too. E.g. we definitely have some chores we regard as personal, not joint. Which is similar to the problems thing - we definitely see some problems as personal not shared.

Which isn't to say we don't help each other out, we absolutely do and we have a really healthy marriage, it's just a different model of healthy marriage to yours.

I think also - because I don't have a car, I see walking 10 mins as absolutely nothing and I can't really even see it as a "problem" TBH, just a very minor inconvenience. I would have to be very unwell before I felt too exhausted to do it so the whole thing I think feels to me a bit princessey? Perhaps if I usually drove everywhere it would feel more significant

I do plenty of things every single day to make my DH's life easier, and he does the same for me. But that doesn't include going out in the dark and cold to get something non-essential from HIS brothers that HE forgot

It really is entertaining g the length some women will go to to justify it to themselves that they deserve to be treated like princesses, bringing in narratives to suit their expectations.

Booh, too dangerous to walk in the dark, even when OP did exactly that, said they didn't have an issue without and were just tired.

A photo ne is an absolute essential at night!

OP suppose carries their joint load of all responsibilities whilst her OH is a lazy bum... Oh wait, she hasn't said this at at all! Even if she did that night, who says he doesn't do it the other 4 days?

Yes, it is nice to do things for those you love that neither want to do be kind. There was nothing wrong at all in asking kindly. What is not on is to expect it and to get angry when the answer is no, or to refer to them as a lazy git.

My DH would also have offered, and whether or not I took him up on it would depend on whether I was more tired than he was
So it's up to you to judge who is more tired? How kind indeed!

Kindness is when person offers because they know they are less tired and the other trusting that they are as or more tired if they don't offer, rather than then moan and call them names.

Ha I'm also a walk-everywhere person and agree 10 minutes is nothing but there are definitely also times I've got in feeling a bit run ragged, got everything in, shoes and coat all off and put away and in "home" mode. And then if I realise I've got to go out again I'll still go "oh bugger that is the very last thing I want to do right now."

Once out it's almost always fine, it's just the bloody thought of the thing. And that's definitely more a winter thing for me. I'm very much a summer person.

Why did he say "yeah equality!" when you mentioned that you'd left your bag and would have to go back out to get it? This sounds like a complete non sequitur, unless there's additional context.

Asking someone to do something isn't telling them what to do at all. Of course you can ask him to do you a favour, and it would be helpful to add why you're asking - e.g., tired from being out all day when you know he's rested, or dangerous to go alone. He can say no, but if he gets angry just because you ask, that's a much more serious issue.

Oh come on, i've been followed in the dark, and attacked in the dark, i am still not scared of walking in the dark because these things are rare

sorry you’ve been attacked in the dark and well done on your result following that. However, you need to acknowledge that we aren’t all the same and people experience things differently. It is quite normal to be scared of being a lone woman walking after dark.

Resilience not result

Some of these replies are mad..it's not that deep! It's not about feminism or equality or being strong independent women..it's about a spouse declining to do a nice, caring thing for his partner, and leaving aside the additional risks women face in this particular scenario,, it's really sad that so many people here seem to think that's somehow wrong, dependent, pathetic, needy etc.

No, I wouldn’t arrogantly presume one of us was more tired than the other, we’d talk and come to a solution together. If neither of us were needed for childcare, we might even go together and stop for a drink on the way.

It’s amazing what can be achieved when there’s a presumption of basic good character, and neither party is a MN cliche who could start an argument in an empty room 🙄

It's the other way round, men are over twice as likely to be victims of stranger violence (from other men).

I think your post is really about feeling unloved and uncared for, OP.
You can match your DH's approach and stop doing anything for him. Fuck him and his 'equality'

Well, you can remind both of them of this when they ask for a favour.

I would genuinely do any of the scenarios you’ve suggested. Maybe not without question every time, but I wouldn’t mind being asked and I would want to help in those situations if I could.

Did you need your bag immediately? Surely your husband could have brought it home when he came home.

Oh, that’s ok then….🙈

Well, I wouldn’t. I don’t even answer the intercom for my neighbour’s deliveries when I don’t want to even though it takes 2 seconds (and no I’m not one of those people scared of answering the door)

I don’t think it’s wrong to do nice things. I think it’s odd to presume your husband should do something like this and get annoyed when he doesn’t when you didn’t even ask him to

Yes, exactly. I wouldn't volunteer to go out for DH in the dark and cold so I sure as hell wouldn't expect him to do the same for me.

If I wanted my bag that badly, I'd get it myself. If not, I'd ring my brother and tell him I'd drop round the next morning.

Clearly I live in a different world to many MN'ers but I'm surprised so many people would go out in the dark and the cold to do something totally non-essential for a grown adult who could quite easily do it themselves.

And that’s fine if that’s how you choose to live your life, but I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone like you.

To be honest my DH is quite a kind man and I don't think he qould have offered in this situation and neither would I.

OP left for work at 7.30, did the shopping and then went for a takeaway. That's a normal day not a particularly challenging one

Her husband presumably got the Dc up, dressed fed and took them to school (as their young enough to need their clothes laying out and were still in bed when oP left). Then did a full day's work. He hasn't been staying on his arse all day either.

I can't imagine being ecstatic about going out on a 20minute walk because my Dh forgot his bag. Both of us would have left it to the morning and driven. If my DH couldn't wait till morning for his phone he can be the one to go out in the dark to get it ffs

How did you ask your DB to drop it off if you didn't have your phone OP?

Yeah no way in hell would I do a 20minute walk for my DHs phone because he forgot it after having a takeaway with his brother. If it was something vital like medication then maybe. Especially not if he made a passive aggressive sigh about having to go out again when he'd just been having a takeaway with his brother and didn't actually ask me

And made a fuss about laying out the dCs clothes when I'd obviously been the one getting them up and dressed and fed. And acted like I hadn't been working just because I'd been working from home.