Aibu for feeling upset tonight at DH and DB for being a pair of unhelpful gits?

[Chinsupmeloves]

Today, I was out at work, did the shopping, while DH as usual wfh. I took the kids round to DB's after dinner and they had a great time. Came home about 9pm and I had forgotten my handbag amidst all the bags I was carrying plus walking our dog.

At this point I was tired, was annoyed at myself so asked if DB would walk half way to meet me and bring it. Would also have been nice if DH had offered to meet half way but wasn't expecting it. It's literally 10 mins and that little act of kindness would have meant a lot. But nope, my fault, neither could be bothered, so I went out again in the dark alone (not that this bothers me) to get my bag.

Just felt so disappointed in both of them. DH has had the whole day wfh (not a stressful one) and evening to himself and DB is between jobs. I, on the other hand, left the house at 7am, barely got a break at work, then went back out again with DC and eventually wanted to relax.

Would it really have been that much for them to leave the house they had been in all day and night to help me out?

But why should her opinion be automatically invalid, just because she's an "outlier"?

Not trying to have a go at you, just questioning the underlying assumption that the majority opinion is bound to be the right one.

I’m not deciding anything for the OP - again with the assumptions - but it’s a strong recommendation.

Someone who’d be embarrassed at their partner offering to do them a favour is unlikely to be helpful. But I’m sure the OP can hopefully ignore all your contributions make her own mind up.

Anyway I’m going to be getting on with my day now. I’m sure you’ll still be telling the OP to be an Island for a few hours yet so I’ll leave you to it.

he said yeah equality!

CF. I assume that means he’s fine doing everything for himself (buying and cooking his own meals, doing his own laundry, looking after the kids on his own 50% of the time) while you look after yourself.

If he asks where his meal is, clean clothes are etc., you know how to reply: “Yeah, equality”.

And I hope OP has the sense to see your unpleasantness for what it is.

Thank you, I'm also not THAT much in the minority as the poll is split 70/30.

IMO some people feel uncomfortable when people disagree with them or challenge their opinion and can only respond with nastiness and unkind digs.

Stop doing stuff for him, you know, equality.

A hundred times this, and I was about to write the same. This is nothing but martyrdom. You have to not put yourself into that mindset, and work to get out of it if you already have.

Tbh I wouldn’t have realised that you wanted me to go and get your bag for you.
You’re the one who forgot it and so surely you’re the to go get it.

My DB would have definitely met me half way but your DB was kind to have you round and he’ll have extra tidying and things to do - so although he should have met you half way, I wouldn’t let it bother me.

DH could have easily gone but you didn’t ask him and he’s not a mind reader so you can’t really be mad at him either.

You are justified in feeling tired and fed up but I would let it go as I don’t think anyone was technically in the wrong here.

I don’t know if I would be embarrassed but I just wouldn’t ask.

I would have kicked myself for leaving something there but I wouldn’t think to ask anyone to get it for me.
I would have just got my shoes on and gone.

My DH would have done it for me without asking for two reasons:

• there’s no way he would want me to be walking late at night if there was another option (for him to go/ to drive). Quite frankly the risk to women walking alone is different to men so it’s not worth me taking the risk when he can just go himself
• if I had had a busier day than him it’s just a basic act of kindness (and I would do the same for him)

Your husband just sounds unkind and lazy tbh. You shouldn’t even have to ask.

Why is your first reaction to blame the poster?

Well, yes.

My bar is usually quite high so surprised to see most PP agree with you, in my opinion YABU!

If my brother came to my house with DC, forgot something there and could walk back, I wouldn’t think it was on me to meet him halfway - instead I’d be busy tidying up my house after their visit, doing dishes, etc.

Similarly, if I’d be working all day (WFH is still working, you only save on the commute), and DH forgot something at his sister’s, I wouldn’t necessarily want to go out to save him the trip.

So basically, OP worked and did some shopping - normal weekday - then had a takeaway at her brother’s. Then she forgets her bag and doesn’t want to go retrieve it so she feels like other people should do it for her.

Because that’s infantising them. He’s an adult so you can’t really order him to go and retrieve the bag. He should have gone, but you can’t ‘order’ an adult to do something.

What’s wrong with you?

My DH would definitely go for me without any hesitation. Likewise he has a fear of me walking around alone at night.
Unfortunately it is not uncommon for women who are alone at night being followed or attacked or worse, killed.

If all of you had been drinking so couldn't drive at it was late, dark and cold, I think it's sensible to just have gone to bed and got it in the morning, if you really couldn't wait, then that's on you really to go out in and dark and get it.

My husband would've immediately offered to get the bag. I don't think what you said was passive aggressive, it sounds like you were annoyed at yourself for forgetting it.
If the situation was reversed I would offer to pick up something my husband had forgotten, particularly if I'd had the last few hours to myself and he'd been on childcare duty.
I don't think it's asking a lot for your partner to be thoughtful and considerate and it works both ways! It really doesn't require any mind reading skills to realise it would be nice to offer to collect the bag in this situation.

Agree with this.

It's the little things that make you feel loved and appreciated. You made the comment about having to go back and he could have offered to show he cared but he came back with a sarcastic comment to let you know he wouldn't be offering.

After a hard day and long week at work, it's really nice to have someone want to do something for you for a change. It's hurtful as it tells you how much he cares.
The equality comment would impact on how much effort I would go to when they want something that requires you to go out of your way for them.

This is one of those MN threads where I simultaneously feel sorry for OP - so want to vote YANBU and also want to vote YABU for her putting up with them - especially the DH.

I'd expect DH to offer. I'm not sure about DB, when you don't live in the same household as someone you never really know how much they have on. I wouldn't expect DB to know how tired and busy you are and DB may have things on that you don't know about.

After 30 plus years of marriage, I am convinced that men’s brains work differently to women. My DH wouldn’t have offered to collect the bag but would have done it without question if I asked for his assistance.
Don’t give hints and then be unhappy when he doesn’t pick up on them, just ask.
If he then refuses, then that is another issue.

I’m not a thoughtful or considerate person, it genuinely doesn’t occur to me to do things that don’t have a tangible benefit for me. So it wouldn’t occur to me that anyone else should rectify my mistake of leaving my bag somewhere. We’re all different.

That poster doesn't seem to like hearing from anyone who dares dissent from the norm so they have to resort to insults. It's very odd.

Honestly, I'm the same. It would never occur to me that I had to be the one to fix someone else's mistake, nor would it occur to me to ask someone to fix mine.