Aibu for feeling upset tonight at DH and DB for being a pair of unhelpful gits?

[Chinsupmeloves]

Today, I was out at work, did the shopping, while DH as usual wfh. I took the kids round to DB's after dinner and they had a great time. Came home about 9pm and I had forgotten my handbag amidst all the bags I was carrying plus walking our dog.

At this point I was tired, was annoyed at myself so asked if DB would walk half way to meet me and bring it. Would also have been nice if DH had offered to meet half way but wasn't expecting it. It's literally 10 mins and that little act of kindness would have meant a lot. But nope, my fault, neither could be bothered, so I went out again in the dark alone (not that this bothers me) to get my bag.

Just felt so disappointed in both of them. DH has had the whole day wfh (not a stressful one) and evening to himself and DB is between jobs. I, on the other hand, left the house at 7am, barely got a break at work, then went back out again with DC and eventually wanted to relax.

Would it really have been that much for them to leave the house they had been in all day and night to help me out?

Asking him to go isn't telling him what to do.

If you have to play games then clearly he isn't approachable or kind

My brother would have offered; I would have declined, but he would definitely have offered. I would do the same for him.

My DH would also have offered, and whether or not I took him up on it would depend on whether I was more tired than he was.

Not everything has to be about sexual politics and scoring points about equality. Sometimes it’s just about people being kind to their loved ones.

How is that even slightly the same? The op wasn't at the pub and the laptop would be needed in the morning. Most of us would probably not want to be without our phones overnight, rightly or wrongly.

I think what some people perceive as martyrs/mugs others view as basic reciprocal kindness in a partner.

I'm in the latter group. DH and I will often looks for ways to make the other one's life easier, even if it's not our job/our turn/our responsibility. We like each other, we look out for each other, we look for ways to make the other one's life a little easier, especially if we know they're knackered/stressed/whatever.

Examples: I foolishly left a gift card behind at the local Sainsbury's last night. I had to do another job this morning and I could have tacked it on but it was out of the way. DH immediately offered to go and see if it was still there and they'd give it to him.

Last weekend it was his turn to do the grocery shop but he'd had a beast of a week at work so I volunteered to do the shop so he could have some down time. Definitely not my favourite job but he's done the same for me in the past.

It's quite nice actually. Nothing martyrish about it - just a general sense of wanting to make your partner's life a bit easier/nicer.

This, exactly. And not just in a marriage but in relationships in general.

How is that even slightly the same? The op wasn't at the pub and the laptop would be needed in the morning. Most of us would probably not want to be without our phones overnight, rightly or wrongly
Pub or family home makes no difference at all. And indeed, rightly OR wrongly a phone isn't an urgent requirement in the evening or night.

So the analogy is perfectly comparable.

Quite a lot. You're very dismissive and ignoring your husband doing every school run. You leave before the kids are even out of bed at 7.30.

Granted you've put their clothes out the night before, which is something I do to save time in the mornings and it takes 2 minutes.

He gets them up, dressed, washed, whatever they need for school, then does the school run. Does he collect them as well? And watch them while you're still at work/travelling home? That's a lot, that you call "sitting at home in the warm drinking tea" because he then works from home as well.

Who does dinner?

@usedtobeaylis so in my example, you would have gone to get your husband laptop... if he intended to work first thing in the morning... Just because you're kind...

There is kindness and there is, letting others take advantage of your kindness.

It’s is a stupid example because the wife wouldn’t be able to pick the laptop up and someone needs to be in the house with the kids

Not remotely the same comparisons - OP has been carrying their joint load doing pick up, drop off, looking after the kids, sorting their food.

And sometimes being kind requires discomfort - why wouldn’t you pop out to the shops for your mum/ elderly neighbour?

My comfort isn’t my priority- being a team, family, community often requires putting someone else’s comfort above our own. And they do the same in return (my neighbour is the first to take in my parcels, collect the kids on occasion when I’m running late from work). I’m more than happy to help put her bins out early morning/ late at night, run to the shops, DH mows her lawn. We moan about not having a village but the benefit of a village requires us to also be a villager. Honestly couldn’t be married to a selfish person who puts their comfort above anything else.

I do plenty of things every single day to make my DH's life easier, and he does the same for me.

But that doesn't include going out in the dark and cold to get something non-essential from HIS brothers that HE forgot.

Yeh I do daft things like that -even leave my fone on charge @ parents too.

I quite enjoy the trip to collect whatever I’ve forgotten… I do like being on my own tho, so wonder if that part of me does it deliberately? 🤷‍♀️☺️

I don't know what leaving for work at 7.30 has to do with anything.

One of my colleagues gets to work at 7.30 every day and keeps making a point of it to people like it's some sort of moral superiority.

"Yeah Anne, but you leave at 3.30, so......"

You’d hate living with someone kind? Erm, ok! We certainly are all different!

My DB or my DH would have walked the bag or collected it, I know that I wouldn’t even have to ask. But saying that, I would be more than happy to go for a brisk stroll and get it myself!

Is it that you feel you always do the lion's share of domestic work and therefore DH owes you a favour? Since you are used to walking around that area in the dark and not bothered by it, I don't see why DH should fetch your bag for you, particularly if you didn't actually ask him. What would have happened if you'd said you were really tired after rushing around all day and lugging the other bags home with the children and the dog, so would he mind collecting it?

So you only take on things outside of your remit as long as it’s easy and doesn’t inconvenience you?

I don’t understand this attitude, couldn’t do marriage like this or be married to someone who thought that way.

We’re a team so unless he had a history of always forgetting things/taking the piss, there’s no blaming or fault. It’s more, if I can help because my energy levels are higher/ if my husband can avoid me walking around late at night - there’s no question of who’s fault it that we’re at this point but rather, how can I help.

Huh? I said I do plenty of things for DH - never once did I say it had to be "easy and not an inconvenience",

As it happens, my DH does have a history of forgetting things (he's had to come home from work multiple times because he's forgotten things) so my view is probably a bit coloured by that - so no, I don't go out of my way to collect stuff he's forgotten, because that's NOT a habit I'm getting into. He's an adult, he can remember his own shit.

I wouldn't like for my partner to take it on himself to fix my mistakes - especially without being asked - that would make me very uncomfortable. It seems paternalistic rather than kind (to me, at least, presumably not to you).

i suggest you tell dh he will have to get the kids stuff out tomorrow morning, you’re really tired. And just go to work leaving it all for him.
mums are rarely facilitated in the morning by their partner preparing all the kids stuff.

I cant wrap my head around this. So you went to your brothers, you forgot your handbag and you expect your brother or your husband to sort it because they are men, and its a ten minute walk! I cant believe how many peoole agree with this - when did people get so dependent?!

You forgot, just go get it or wait until the morning. Yanbu for asking if db or dh mind but they are quite within their rights to say no. I wfh sometimes, its not easier than when i work from the office, its still stressful, i dont understand the 'who has it hardest' top trumps. You forgot the bag - surely its on you to rectify.

I despair of the whole 'my dh wouldnt let me go in the dark crap' - why on earth is anyone in a relstionship with someone who decides what they can and cant do. Why would anyone choose that?? Just wow. Mind blown. Where are the strong, independent women hiding??

This was what I was going to say

I am deeply deeply confused by why the OP is annoyed with her DH over this.

I know some mumsnetters are scared of the dark but the OP is clear that she isn't in that group.

I think "perfectly" is stretching it a bit tbh 😂. Most folk are likely to be using their phone overnight/first thing in the morning, it's a way for people to contact you in an emergency, etc. I don't think even my parents know our landline these days. Whereas "wanted to do some work over the weekend" - not an immediate priority for either of us. If there were exacerbating circumstances that increased the urgency I'd usually try to help solve the problem.

In answer to all your other scenarios a lot of the answers for me would be "it depends". I've driven 15 minutes to get my mum some ibuprofen because she was starting mild symptoms she knew had a 50% chance of getting worse overnight. She was in her nightie and hates driving at night. Can't say I desperately wanted to find somewhere open in an unfamiliar part of the country at night but it didn't cross my mind not to go. She does loads for us, we try to do likewise by her.

Teenager - also it depends! Sometimes I've done this whe kid is clearly knackered/has a lot on/needs stuff in the bag/not a massive inconvenience for me. But teenager is currently a good kid who's got his shit together, rarely forgets things and owns his own problems and doesn't try to pass the buck/make it someone else's fault. He makes me tea sometimes and will offer to nip out to the shop if I've forgotten an ingredient we need for dinner or we're out of milk or what have you.

Might be different if he was always leaving his stuff everywhere/being demanding and obstreperous/wasn't willing to put himself out for the benefit of others on occasion! A degree of reciprocity and mutual thoughtfulness is important to me and definitely a value I'm trying to instil in my sons.

doing someone a favour isn’t paternalistic per se. I do him favours all the time too. I run my own business, I have brought to two kids by myself. I don’t need anyone to “fix my mistakes”, I do like having a partner who occasionally can pick up my slack, as I do for him. And who Knows me well enough to know when I have that slack.

So I agree with the general point of view that it is nice to do things for other people.

But I have to say that I would be incredibly pissed off if my DH carelessly forgot something and then was annoyed with me for not fixing it for him.

I might offer to get it for him - but equally I wouldn't see it as something I had to do and I wouldn't be happy if he expected or demanded it because he was a bit tired and I had WFH that day