Aibu for feeling upset tonight at DH and DB for being a pair of unhelpful gits?

[Chinsupmeloves]

Today, I was out at work, did the shopping, while DH as usual wfh. I took the kids round to DB's after dinner and they had a great time. Came home about 9pm and I had forgotten my handbag amidst all the bags I was carrying plus walking our dog.

At this point I was tired, was annoyed at myself so asked if DB would walk half way to meet me and bring it. Would also have been nice if DH had offered to meet half way but wasn't expecting it. It's literally 10 mins and that little act of kindness would have meant a lot. But nope, my fault, neither could be bothered, so I went out again in the dark alone (not that this bothers me) to get my bag.

Just felt so disappointed in both of them. DH has had the whole day wfh (not a stressful one) and evening to himself and DB is between jobs. I, on the other hand, left the house at 7am, barely got a break at work, then went back out again with DC and eventually wanted to relax.

Would it really have been that much for them to leave the house they had been in all day and night to help me out?

Pretty much everyone I know would go ten minutes out of their way to help a family member or friend when they knew they'd had a long, tiring day, yes.

No. It’s anathema to suggest that the person who works outside the home and does nothing else has it harder than the person who works in the home and does absolutely everything else. The OP works outside the home and seemingly does a lot of the organisation (putting all the clothes on the bed, walking the dog) but isn’t allowed to ask for a favour. Because that would be telling him what to do (newflash - it isn’t).

The fact that he said ‘equality’ speaks volumes really. Of course he doesn’t really think there should be equality otherwise he would take an equal share of washing and drying clothes and putting them on beds.

Yes OP he’s cherrypicking fairness and equality. And leaving you to exhaust yourself while not doing the one off niceties (like getting your bag) that make relationships feel supportive and worth having. I think it’s true he doesn’t like you or women much . He’s in this relationship to get what he can out of it.

Presumably the brother was comfy in a warm house with his kids and didn’t think he should have to traipse out in the dark and cold just because his grown adult sister left her bag behind 🤷‍♀️

See, as a grown adult, I would be so embarrassed to have another grown adult run around after me because I’d forgotten something.

Being a grown adult doesn't mean you don't ever need a little support.

I'd be really embarrassed to ask someone else to do this for me.

All my family and friends will also have had a busy day at work...they'd think I had lost the plot if I asked them to go and get my bag. It's hardly an emergency.

Which kids? I think it’s the OP that has kids not the DB. He’s just at home looking after himself between jobs???? That’s why the OP is disappointed.

This is a very typical thread - if OP had been the one who hadn’t offered the thread would have been full of ‘be kind’ but as it is the OP with ‘expectations’ she is being unreasonable to expect her DH or brother to show kindness

I read it as they’d gone round to their uncles’ to see their cousins. But even if there aren’t any kids, it’s not his job to run round after another grown up.

My partner would offer to do this for me, and vice versa. It’s not because either of us are passive or a martyr, it’s because we’re a team who like one another and simple acts of kindness reinforce that. If he didn’t offer and I wanted him to go, I would ask.

However in your case OP based on your follow up posts, I think the issues with your husband not pulling his weight go beyond this specific scenario.

Nope. If OP hadn’t offered I’d be saying “good for you - it’s his stuff and his responsibility to sort it out”.

You sound like a martyr.

If you’re going to go through life doing everything for everyone why would thy object?

You’re meant to be in an equal partnership as two people who both live in a joint household raising your joint children and dog.

Use your voice and start letting it be known that other people (even the kids) need to start using their brains and having an active role in everything.

I would just be really embarrassed to have a grown adult running around after me like that.

YABU to expect your brother to do anything, as he had already hosted you and your kids. I don't know if you are unreasonable or not about your husband, but on balance I think he should have gone to fetch the bag.

I initially thought YANBU because I thought your husband refused to fetch it for you. (Not your brother's job to run around after you)

But you didn't even ask. So YABU.

Where did you read that from the OP or any of her posts?

No one is saying it’s his job. It just would’ve been kind given he has nothing else to think about than himself and the OP has a lot on.

You might think people shouldn’t help and support each other. It’s a pity you’re not married to the OP’s DH. People like you two should be paired together.

Just for comparison. Two people I know, who dont know each other. Live hundreds of miles apart. One is walking thirty mins out of his way at the end of a work day to pick up something the other has bought from a shop in his area. He will then bring this bulky item with him on the train next time he visits me. Because it's a nice thing to help people when you can. Let alone your supposed "loved one". I'm a teacher. In my school, we rally round and cover for each other if someone has a boiler emergency, a nativity play to go and see, has just walked in the door crying because their relationship has ended that morning and they need a minute before facing Y9. I'm glad I live in my world and not sone of yours.

My husband loves and respects me so assumes I’ll solve my own problems unless I ask for help. That interaction would not have led to him running out the door. Though if I had asked him to go get it he probably would have - as I would do if it was reversed. Though likely we’d both just laugh at me and get it in the morning.

I like your style!

Yes but you haven’t got a husband who thinks a simple request is telling him what to do, so your situations are not the same.

I just thought she’d taken her kids round to see their cousins - either way it really doesn’t matter. OP is a grown adult who shouldn’t need anyone else to run round after her.

If this thread was about a man expecting his wife to go out and walk for 20 minutes to fetch his wallet I can’t imagine anyone would be so supportive.

How did you get home from your brothers house in the first place?

If the man had been out all day running around and had taken the kids out for the evening while the op had barely left the house? Let's not do the "double standards" thing here.. especially if we also want to acknowledge the stats on why men will go running in the dark or in a wood alone, but many women won't. It's not always about straightforward "equality" is it.

Well you clearly read things that aren’t there then.

She doesn’t NEED it that’s not the point. It would have been a kind thing to do.

If the man worked outside the home and did the bulk of the domestics and she worked from home why wouldn’t she go out and get the bag? I would in those circumstances. As I say you would be very well paired with the DH. The OP not so much.

Because it’s not her bag to fetch 😂

I’m not in the habit of getting other grown adults to pick up after me because I’ve forgotten something.