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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving abroad first bringing children later

212 replies

ThatLilacStork · 16/01/2026 06:04

Hello, I’ve been offered a new job abroad I have two children 8 and 12 and I am not with their father, this new job is considerably more income and would completely change our lives for the better, their father has given permission for the kids to go on the basis of I go first and get a life set up for them eg, find a home and school.

He suggested I go for three months come back for a month take them over for a month during holidays bring them back then go for another three months and build it up slowly like that. But it would mean spending a number of months away from them.

Does this seem insane or does it seem doable? My children are pretty adaptable as I have not been with their father for many years so have always moved between us sometimes for a few weeks at a time depending on school holidays.

I should add kids are keen to move but older one wants to stay settled in school until we have a solid foundation to move to, thanks for reading

OP posts:
ShawnaMacallister · 16/01/2026 06:06

That sounds pretty insane to me.

Bbnose · 16/01/2026 06:06

Seems fine for you

Completely unfathomable to me

Bbnose · 16/01/2026 06:07

I suspect your ex thinks your kids won’t want to move so you’ll go out there, set up a life, kids will refuse to move. So live with him and visit you.

BengalBangle · 16/01/2026 06:07

This would be absolutely shit and unsettling for the children.

Younginside · 16/01/2026 06:08

Not doable.

Morepositivemum · 16/01/2026 06:09

Why though? Why can’t you bring them and figure it out? Id guess this is something to be used against you, and not even just that, going abroad for three months and not seeing them seems awful. Life changing or not maybe you need to talk to him again or rethink

Original poster
ThatLilacStork · 16/01/2026 06:10

Bbnose · 16/01/2026 06:07

I suspect your ex thinks your kids won’t want to move so you’ll go out there, set up a life, kids will refuse to move. So live with him and visit you.

Edited

He’s not malicious we have a brilliant relationship and we knew moving abroad was something we both wanted to do in the future but a job offer has come now. He’s not an evil man.

OP posts:
WittyTaupeFox · 16/01/2026 06:10

only you know but I’d say if you’re moving just all move at the same time. Rip the bandaid off! It will be hard but you’ll all have to get used to new surroundings at the same time.

The issue could be if you go first the children could decide while you’re setting up life they don’t want to go and then entrench their view. (I’ve seen that happen with a friend)

Is the new job in the same time zone? I ask because if it’s not then it’s quite hard to maintain phone calls / communication with them.

focus on the positives for them - outdoor lifestyle, more travel or whatever that might be and all move together. Good luck.

TheNightingalesStarling · 16/01/2026 06:11

Sounds like he's setting himself up as the principle carer

Neurodiversemom · 16/01/2026 06:11

I think it's fine for you to go first and then take your kids along with you.

Spoodles · 16/01/2026 06:13

You'd be completely bonkers to leave the country and your children and think that their father will happily let them go and live with you in three, six or even nine months time. Saying it and actually doing it are very different.

Once you've gone and he has them full time and they are settled that will become their new normal and neither he or they will want to disrupt that for them to go to another country.

Overall it all sounds completely unfair on your children who need stability and both of their parents.

TadpolesInPool · 16/01/2026 06:13

No way, and I say that as someone who moved an 8 and 11 year old overseas.

DH went first for 3 months to find a house and finalise schools (we d got 1 place beforehand, thanks to a visio interview).

I spent those 3 months working my arse off: FT work + looking after DC alone (clubs, medical appointments etc - we were set up to manage those as a couple) + organising more play dates and parties than usual for the DC to spend as much time as possible with friends before moving + packing the whole home by myself + managing the DCs stress/excitement.

It was unsettling enough for the DC to move overseas, let alone go back and forth for weeks at a time.

Alicorn1707 · 16/01/2026 06:13

@ThatLilacStork

Do you trust him enough?

If he went the legal route to get full custody, do you think these arrangements would be looked upon favourably, for you?!! 🙈

I'd tread very carefully tbh.

eta; Ah! I see you've already addressed that

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 16/01/2026 06:13

No, that’s insane.

Just all move at the same time, lots of families do it, you’ll be fine.

Original poster
ThatLilacStork · 16/01/2026 06:14

WittyTaupeFox · 16/01/2026 06:10

only you know but I’d say if you’re moving just all move at the same time. Rip the bandaid off! It will be hard but you’ll all have to get used to new surroundings at the same time.

The issue could be if you go first the children could decide while you’re setting up life they don’t want to go and then entrench their view. (I’ve seen that happen with a friend)

Is the new job in the same time zone? I ask because if it’s not then it’s quite hard to maintain phone calls / communication with them.

focus on the positives for them - outdoor lifestyle, more travel or whatever that might be and all move together. Good luck.

Thank you for your less condescending response, it’s slightly different time zones but only by about 3 hours.

but it’d see us taken from 5 figures a year to 6 figures a year with like you say a more outdoor relaxed lifestyle and they have visited before so it’s not a complete new surroundings and I also have a small friend network over there

OP posts:
Bbnose · 16/01/2026 06:15

Thank you for your less condescending response

because we think it’s a crap idea and unsettling for the children?

Bbnose · 16/01/2026 06:16

You will move
Kids will visit
Time will come for kids to move. Eldest in secondary school.
neither will want to move and stay with dad instead, especially as they’re now used to living with him full time.

ShetlandishMum · 16/01/2026 06:16

TheNightingalesStarling · 16/01/2026 06:11

Sounds like he's setting himself up as the principle carer

This.

Bring the children with you or expect them to stay in UK.

doglover90 · 16/01/2026 06:16

I can't imagine disrupting my children's lives like that to 'go from five to six figures a year' and have 'a more outdoor relaxed lifestyle'.

Original poster
ThatLilacStork · 16/01/2026 06:16

Alicorn1707 · 16/01/2026 06:13

@ThatLilacStork

Do you trust him enough?

If he went the legal route to get full custody, do you think these arrangements would be looked upon favourably, for you?!! 🙈

I'd tread very carefully tbh.

eta; Ah! I see you've already addressed that

Edited

Yes he’s not malicious or nasty or evil like it seem most people on here are assuming he actually wants to move abroad himself and always has done, it’s not some plot to get me away from the children so he can steal them

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatLilacStork · 16/01/2026 06:18

Bbnose · 16/01/2026 06:15

Thank you for your less condescending response

because we think it’s a crap idea and unsettling for the children?

No because you all seem to think the father of my children is out to plot against me, not all ex’s are bitter and evil

OP posts:
WittyTaupeFox · 16/01/2026 06:19

ThatLilacStork · 16/01/2026 06:14

Thank you for your less condescending response, it’s slightly different time zones but only by about 3 hours.

but it’d see us taken from 5 figures a year to 6 figures a year with like you say a more outdoor relaxed lifestyle and they have visited before so it’s not a complete new surroundings and I also have a small friend network over there

Show quote history

That’s even better (having a small friend network) as there could be kids to connect your kids to & help with choosing the right schools / clubs etc.

getting school / apartment / villa & paid help can all be done from here or very quickly after you land.

it’s a big adventure and keeping you and them together as status quo I think would carry you in good stead when there could be road bumps ahead with homesickness or missing dad etc.

Morepositivemum · 16/01/2026 06:20

Op I’m not saying he’s evil but you’re also not together. I wouldn’t want my kids to live in a different country and this is a way of putting it on the long finger or stopping it from happening. It means he could be desperate which any of us would be.

Bbnose · 16/01/2026 06:20

ThatLilacStork · 16/01/2026 06:18

No because you all seem to think the father of my children is out to plot against me, not all ex’s are bitter and evil

Show quote history

No

but if he’s so willing to give up his kids to another country …. Then doesn’t reflect well on him

I would do as the ex if you were determined to give the job a go. Knowing that my kids at those ages would never ever want to move from their home, friends, me!

Soontobe60 · 16/01/2026 06:21

You’ve not been ‘offered’ a job, you’ve applied for a job and been successful in your application.
Id say any parent who actively looks to remove their DC from the DCs other parent whom they have a good relationship with is only thinking of themselves.
You've seen £££ signs in front of your eyes first and foremost. The most important thing in any child’s life is having a close relationship with their parents. You’re choosing to stop that. Here’s a suggestion - you move abroad, DC move in with their DF and you come back here to see them once every blue moon.