Moving abroad first bringing children later

[ThatLilacStork]

Hello, I’ve been offered a new job abroad I have two children 8 and 12 and I am not with their father, this new job is considerably more income and would completely change our lives for the better, their father has given permission for the kids to go on the basis of I go first and get a life set up for them eg, find a home and school.

He suggested I go for three months come back for a month take them over for a month during holidays bring them back then go for another three months and build it up slowly like that. But it would mean spending a number of months away from them.

Does this seem insane or does it seem doable? My children are pretty adaptable as I have not been with their father for many years so have always moved between us sometimes for a few weeks at a time depending on school holidays.

I should add kids are keen to move but older one wants to stay settled in school until we have a solid foundation to move to, thanks for reading

Three months is a long time in the life of a child, especially so young. It could be confusing and upsetting even though they say they're fine with it. What if they need you? You won't be able to drop everything and go to them easily. I think you should all go out together or don't do it.

It's not that this is some devious play to have the children but more that the reality Vs the ideology is likely to mean he's not suddenly going to happily wave his children off after spending months with them. Nor are the children likely to go happily after being settled for months in a stable routine.

They aren't little children, they need stability and a settled home and all this swapping and changing and moving and moving back shows that they are not important or central to the plans being made.

It’s quite sad that you frame a parent who might want their DC to not be taken abroad for months on end as being nasty, malicious or evil.

I’m not framing it as anything but that seems to be everyone’s only concern that the father of my children is planning on stealing them when he’s absolutely not.. he just wanted the kids to move straight into a settled life rather than struggling finding a home with them and then he was going to look at finding a position for himself abroad.

They absolutely are central to all the plans being made.

You going first for a couple of weeks, to make sure everything's organised, yes.

Kids making the move initially in a school break, also fine

But the proposed schedule would likely only see everyone just about starting to calm down and settle in.. and then all change again. That's going to be rough on kids of any age and isolating, especially if there's a language change in the mix. They're not going to be able to start putting roots down as they might not/won't be there for long but it's also too long in a go to be without them. It's rough on schooling as well - they're going to lose large chunks in both systems, which isn't the end of the world at 8 but I'd be wary of at 12.

And, yes, you very much risk one or both reacting to that by saying they're staying here. If both, I suppose you could just come back but have you considered what you'd do if one loved it and the other refused? Are you prepared to separate them and have one with you and one with dad permanently?

The other factor is if you do have a functioning 'sharing' relationship with their dad, it will get affected and you and they will be losing a degree of that support. I don't know how close to each other you live now but having to watch a plane will change the dynamics.

It doesn't sound like it at all. You're planning on moving them to another country away from all their friends, schools they are settled in, their father and presumably wider family.

It very much sounds like none of this is in their best interests.

What happen if they turn around after 3 months and say they don't want to move again?

I don’t think the children would want to move and he would apply for full custody

weve done something similar and would definitely do it again! Going out early to get everything sorted makes sense but id probably agree a date for the switch rather than building up - i

If you were still partners it might be doable, but even then it would be very difficult and disruptive. But you're not, and the potential is there for things to go very badly wrong. Have you discussed taking the children with you from the start? What was his reaction?

I just don’t understand why you can’t take them with you straight away? It’s batshit.

I think you are being tempted purely by the higher salary (a job you actively applied for presumably?) but you are trying to make the move as painless for the children as possible. I accept their father is not an evil man but I do think you're both fudging the edges of this massive change in their lives to make it more acceptable in your heads. Will they miss you when you go? Will he miss them when they go? Will your 12-yr old be 13 by then, with close teenage friends and a solid school history with clubs and sports teams etc? You're dangling 'a better life' in front of them but, in all honesty, adults remember their family life and were their parents there for them rather than the financial benefits. So, my opinion (you have asked) is that you either all go together (can Dad stay for a bit or visit regularly?) or you knock it on the head and wait until they're more independent - I would favour this option.

neither of us has extended family, yes we are planning to move to another country for a better life together. Can you in all honesty say you speak to children you was friends with when you were 8? My elder child got bullied out of one school and hasn’t settled in another non of this thread was me asking on opinions on us moving but about me moving first and bringing them later.

we have an opportunity to widen our world instead of staying in a town where children as young as 13 are being arrested for carrying knives.

my children’s dad is also planning on moving, just because your life in your hometown is sunshine and roses doesn’t mean everyone else’s will be, we may move and hate it but at least we can say we did it and have the experience of it to look back on together.

What do you mean ‘stealing’ them? He’s their father! If he decided to not give permission no court in the land would force him.

If you’re going from 80k to 500k then find a way to make it work.

If you’re going from 80k to 125k then I’m afraid you’ve lost your mind with these proposed plans.

oops seem to have lost half a post!

it takes time to set up a bank account and apply for school places and get school transport and childcare sorted etc so going out early absolutely makes sense. But not sure about stringing out the transition - just pick a date!

we have moved a lot for my work and just for the fun of it (and for their dads work). I have also worked away for a year with frequent trips to them at similar age. I realise a lot of people can’t understand but for our family it is exciting to move to new places, experience different school systems, cultures. The kids are thriving.

if it’s feasible for the kids to learn to fly solo this makes a huge difference logistically when they want to make short trips back and forth

I agree to go all together and rip the bandaid off.

I meant it as he’s saying it’s fine but plotting on something else behind my back

It would be going from £30k to £150k.

This is what I am trying to get the opinions on not the actual move itself thank you, I just want to be able to move them straight in to a settled home rather than them struggling unnecessarily

I have direct experience of this. The mother told her Dc what a wonderful life they would have in the new country - sold it to them as some amazing adventure they’d absolutely love. By that point, if their father had turned round and said no, I don’t give permission, he would have been the villain of the piece, so he had little choice but to agree. It has not turned out well. The DC do not come home as often as they should now, but when they do, it’s clear they’re miserable and miss him desperately.
Which country are you planning on moving to? What would happen if you lost your job? Will your Dc be able to go to university in this new country?

What job do you do that takes you from just over minimum wage here to 5x more abroad? That sounds pretty unrealistic!

I wouldn’t do the back and forth thing. I’d go first, get it set up and then move the kids so they can start at their new school(s) for the start of the next academic year, or term if it’s far too long to wait for the next academic year.

It's very telling you've suddenly changed the whole narrative when people started to suggest maybe it wasn't a great idea. Not sure why you even bothered asking if you're so certain you're going to do it.

Interested