Moving abroad first bringing children later

[ThatLilacStork]

Hello, I’ve been offered a new job abroad I have two children 8 and 12 and I am not with their father, this new job is considerably more income and would completely change our lives for the better, their father has given permission for the kids to go on the basis of I go first and get a life set up for them eg, find a home and school.

He suggested I go for three months come back for a month take them over for a month during holidays bring them back then go for another three months and build it up slowly like that. But it would mean spending a number of months away from them.

Does this seem insane or does it seem doable? My children are pretty adaptable as I have not been with their father for many years so have always moved between us sometimes for a few weeks at a time depending on school holidays.

I should add kids are keen to move but older one wants to stay settled in school until we have a solid foundation to move to, thanks for reading

Only you can really answer if this would work for your family. I know a couple who are together and have young children. She works abroad for long periods of time as that’s what her job demands and she’s the main earner. He looks after the children while she’s away. They seem fine. Although we went on a night out at Christmas and when I went to pick her up her husband seemed a but flummoxed about what time to put the children to bed and she said “oh don’t worry about it I’ll do it when I get back” which stuck me as odd he didn’t know how to put his own children to bed when he’s alone with them most of the year!!

Your kids are old enough that surely, how the move would work best for them should be discussed with them?

If your ex and you are so amicable, why haven't you arrange to meet up and have this conversation together with them?

Loads of people move families. We do it every 3 to 4 years with my husbands job, usually companies provide you with temporary housing for the first 1 - 3 months and a relocation specialist who helps you narrow down schools and where to live etc, even if you don’t have a relocation package, you can research all that in advance and make the move together. Back and forth with the kids will be the very worst thing to do.

If its UAE, be very careful about job offers, I have seen loads of job scams, so unless it is a very well known company and you have been in person for an interview, be cautious about accepting any job that looks too good to be true.

I’d be cautious.

I moved to Russia as a child due to DF work and he left a few months earlier and we followed. However DF and DM were happily married.

I’d be worried that he might change his mind while you're away. It would be very easy to say the kids have changed their mind and for him to keep them here.

Persoanlly I don’t see it as a bad thing moving abroad. I loved it but had I known I wouldn’t be able to see one of my parents regularly, I would have dug my feet in the ground.

It’s a tough one. I used to live abroad before dc and would love to go back to my old job. However XH lives here so it would be impossible until my dc are adults.

Having moved overseas myself I don’t understand the back and forth. Choose a good school area call them re space, choose a rental off a website take out 12 month lease, move kids during school break invite their dad too

There seem to be a lot of threads recently from women who have been offered work abroad. Is this a coincidence?

I think going for a week or two by yourself to find a home and school etc is okay, but then I'd just take them when you move, not go back and forth. That sounds very unsettling. In fact, they are old enough that they could go along and see where they would be living, if they like the place and school etc. I don't think it's fair on children to have a parent living in a different country but it sounds like he's planning to come later so maybe not an issue.

OP - is your exH a crap dad? Is he happy to go weeks/months without seeing his dcs because he’s busy living his own life? Does he not really like having to do solo parenting? Does the idea of having to sort dentists and shoe fitting and world book day costumes send him into a panic?

Then yes, it’s likely that he’ll be ok when the time comes to just wave off his dcs and see them at Christmas and summer.

Even if he thinks he’s going to be ok with it now, once the dcs have lived with him full time for 3 months, how likely is it he won’t then fight to keep them- particularly if the dcs say they want to stay with him?

Right now it’s theoretical - faced with dcs who say they don’t want to go, will he make them? The 12 year old will definitely have opinions and they will be taken into consideration.

This stretched out plan may not be being planned with evil intentions- but that’s irrelevant, the likely outcome of agreeing to this is your dcs are used to living with dad full time and just visiting you. They’ll have got over missing you. They will be settled, and “what’s in the children’s best interests” will be staying with him, you visiting/paying maintenance.

And all with huge salary increases!

As someone who earns and works with many others who also earn 150k+ I can’t think of a single person who went from 30k straight to 150k regardless of experience. It simply doesn’t happen.

However if you do have the necessary marketable skills to attract a high salary following what was in effect a career break then you should have no problem finding a similar role in the UK. Nobody is “worth” 30k in the UK job market and 150k overseas.

Oh look another moving abroad without kids thread….

Or OP is planning to expose them to a different culture, language, way of living, expand their horizon beyond their little corner of England... In addition to improving their living conditions and her career potential of course.

It's fine for people to want to stay in their little hole all their life, but that doesn't make it the best option for all families.

The entire thread is about moving WITH the kids.

We moved internationally twice with DS, once when he was a baby, once when he was almost eight. The second time DH moved in October to start his job, visiting when he could (shorthaul flight). DS and I stayed till the Christmas holidays so I could work out my notice and he could finish the school term. He’d already been offered a place at the school we wanted in the new place.As my new job didn’t start immediately, I was going to travel back in Feb to supervise the packing up of our old house etc. DS still found the move difficult.

The difference is that the entire family was moving, we knew the country well, and that it was absolutely a better environment for DS too. Bluntly, why would your ex be so keen to help a move that takes his children away? You say he also plans to ‘move abroad’, but ‘abroad’ is a big place. Are you saying he’s planning to move to where you are?

Sure

Is the current split 50/50v

My SIL and BIL did this - it does happen nowadays. Just, not in countries I would personally move to.

Pause for a minute @ThatLilacStork

Your ex is obviously a very very involved father.

You really think he would happily wave his kids off in to the sunset? No.

He knows they won’t want to move when the time comes and that they will want to stay with him.

In his shoes, I would do exactly the same as him.

Sorry that’s a long way to say if you are doing this, you go with the kids, set up schools /house online and just all go together and work it out. Don’t let him have custody and then try to walk that back.

I understand the principle of you going out by yourself to secure a home and schools for your children first. However, why does that need to be 3 months?! You could secure all of that within the first month! As for taking the children out for a month, then bringing them back for you to go back out again by yourself for another 3 months - madness. You go out for a month, secure a home/schools and once ready the children then go back out with you permanently.

Given your ex's convoluted timeframe, I can understand why others have said that your ex is merely stalling for time, and hoping the children end up wanting to stay in the UK with him. However, you know him better than us, so you're in a better position to know his thinking behind this bonkers timeframe, that will only disrupt the children.

That's the first thing that jumped out to me too.

I don’t think it’s a devious plan to steal your children, however I do think it’s a risk.

kids adapt as you say, they might get used to living at Dads, not having you around and decided that actually they would prefer to stay where they are. Would you then force them? You are banking on them missing you and wanting to join you, if they do that they have to get used to not seeing their dad as much. They are already used to not seeing you by that point.

I think OP is a specialist animal trainer that teaches sharks to jump.

It’ll be a sales position
and this figure of £150k will be based on pulling in the absolute maximum commission possible

never. Going. To. Happen

I’m still very close friends with my best friends from age 8. We are all 50 this year. But sure many kids would cope with moving at that age, but i’d say just do it, this slowly slowly approach seems excessive.