Moving abroad first bringing children later

[ThatLilacStork]

Hello, I’ve been offered a new job abroad I have two children 8 and 12 and I am not with their father, this new job is considerably more income and would completely change our lives for the better, their father has given permission for the kids to go on the basis of I go first and get a life set up for them eg, find a home and school.

He suggested I go for three months come back for a month take them over for a month during holidays bring them back then go for another three months and build it up slowly like that. But it would mean spending a number of months away from them.

Does this seem insane or does it seem doable? My children are pretty adaptable as I have not been with their father for many years so have always moved between us sometimes for a few weeks at a time depending on school holidays.

I should add kids are keen to move but older one wants to stay settled in school until we have a solid foundation to move to, thanks for reading

Sounds like a sensible plan to slowly settle them in. When I was younger and we moved countries it was immediate; new area, new school, new friends. BTW I absolutely lived it and am so grateful for the experience! Fantastic opportunity for you and your family to see the world. Xxx

Meant to say loved 😍

Congratulations on the job offer! I'd be so excited to be able to work in the field I studied and offer my DC a better life because of it!
It's great that you have such a good relationship with your ex - my parents had a great relationship after they split top, so I know it can happen!
I think going out first to set up a home and organise schools makes sense, but personally I wouldn't do all the to-ing and fro-ing for the kids that you mentioned in your OP. Delaying them joining you so they can join you in a settled environment makes sense, but having them join you for a month then come back for a month and so on seems far more unsettling for them than if they just went straight out with you.
Personally I'd probably make the initial time you're out there alone no longer than a month as well - perhaps you could shortlist homes and schools remotely and then go over to visit and finalise everything?
Good luck, I hope it all works out for you all!

I moved myself and my children to another country..but i done the schooling and everything from the UK before we moved and then we all moved together..the girls visited the school with me and started when term started..we had a month to settle in the new country first..is this not what normal people do..why go back and forth thats just ridiculous for everyone involved ..make a clean break ..kids will adjust..my older girls were 13 and 11..youngest 2 and 5 months..I left an abusive relationship but left family and friends in the UK ..

Selfish

Sounds amazing ! Best of luck. I don't think the forward and back travel will be helpful on either end. Have the children visited the new location ? I would get them visiting it on a holiday first. Then all move together with some time off before you start the new job if you can and then start them at school at the beginning of a new term, not in the middle, so they don't feel so lost. Maybe try to join local Facebook groups of the new area to find mums with kids of similar ages to meet with when you get there. My friend did that and I answered her Facebook post. We have a fantastic friendship! She has yet again moved to another country and has three children. It's giving them a great sense of adventure and they're multilingual now too !

10 years ago we moved from the the UK to Sweden with our 8 year olds. My DH went over for 6 weeks to start the job as I wasn't uprooting our life, if he had any doubts. During that time he was able to sign the kids to the local school (there is only one) and find a flat to rent.

Personally, I think the best thing is a hold your nose, close your eyes and jump off the cliff. What your ex suggests for the children moving is going to be harder. Your children going backwards and forwards with schools will be too hard. They will loose their footing in the British school and will find it hard to fully immerse into the new school. You mentioned a time difference, but is there a language difference - would you keep the children in British school system? English Schools are all over the world.

On your new salary, I imagine there would be some sort of a relocation package which would include someone to help with local admin, schools, Drs etc. Don't underestimate ex Pat Facebook pages, they are invaluable.

In this digital age you children can stay in touch with their friends. When we went back, we would arrange fun meet up, some sort of activities that were no reliant on school or school gossip.

That's insane. Change one thing at a time surely?

See if the job works

See if the kids like the new country no pressure

Start to settle them more permanently

No?

If my ex was pushing to move abroad for a pie in the sky sales job (which I imagine this leap from £30-£150k is), then I would do precisely what this ex is doing.

Smile and nod. Suggest the children stay with me during the months they settle in to the new job (and realise that £150k is based on them smashing 100% of targets from day 1) and country, and then see if the children want to leave their schools, friends, clubs, home, father.

Go first and see if the job works out and then move them as soon as you are sure it will work.

I’ve done this, three times actually.

All children involved have been absolutely fine, and joined me once we were settled. Their lives are much richer for it, with wider horizons.

Go for it, don’t let these hellish naysayers put you off. If it was a bloke asking, they would have no hesitation in saying go!!

Really? You think if a divorced man with shared custody for his children was planning to move from the same town as his exW to another country, his plan was to go for 3 months on his own to settle, then have the children move with him permanently only seeing their mum at the school holidays, everyone would say go for it? Not “the kids will stay in the uk and you’ll have to visit.” That no one would call him selfish or unreasonable?

I do think the OP is foolish to think the children will be moving with her if she goes by herself for so long and they are settled at their dads full time and used to not seeing her now. I think her ex is playing a blinder.

I'm sorry but that sounds a con, how can your £30k worth of skills suddenly be worth 5 times more! Hiring managers do not offer 5 times your current salary! I think this is why the kids dad is being additionally cautious because he csn see that this isn't genuine! Nobody gets offered ludicrous salary hikes like that! He knows this is a con and it's going to go wrong and that's why he wants you to go first and find out that you've been mugged off before you uproot the kids and ruin their schooling.

Because the dad can see that this job abroad is an absolute con! People don't offer somebody 5 times their salary! It's a trick! The father can see how ridiculous this is and wants the kids to.atay where they are whilst she realises she's being mugged off! If we could all magically earn 5 times our salary overseas, most of us wouldn't be here.

She does a job that pays £30k currently, she is not going to be paid £150k for no real reason let alone countless thousands on top of that for expenses! Is she becoming PM of another country or something! She's talking total fantasy! No hiring manager would say "oh so you're on £30k currently, ok, I'll offer you five times more" it just doesn't happen!

If it is the middle east, the OP needs to think even harder because it's even more of a trek for the kids and their dad to see each other, it's an expensive place to live and culturally very different especially if any of her kids are daughters! I don't think it's fair to drag kids into a situation where they'll rarely see their dad and will live in about oppressive culture and also somewhere that's too red hot to be outside for many months of the year especially for Brits who aren't used to it.
Her 12 year old is reaching the last critical years at school and she thinks it's a good time to disrupt that!

But did you have the kids dad with you! Your attitude is screw the kids, screw their relationship with their dad, screw the disruption to their life and education especially for a 12 year old who is 3 years away from GCSEs! It's a selfish approach, would you happily give up your kids to see once it twice a year if lucky if boot was on the other foot?

So you've been out of work for two years with depression then worked a minimum wage job and you claim to be so desirable after all that that you have been offered 5 times your salary? That's just not real! You don't get that just because you have degree, you need to have proven skills and experience. Where is this crazy jobs market that offers people 5 times their salary for a field they haven't even been working in fact they have had years out the workforce due to depression!

I think your move and new career sounds fantastic best of luck. I also think although you came on here to ask opinions you already know what you want to do. You trust your ex explicitly therefore it does seem right that you go abroad first and find a house and school leaving the children with your ex.

You also mention your ex wants to emigrate too. Ideally he would choose the same country and everything would work out perfectly.

God, there’s a lot of jealous and cynical people around.
assuming your job is real and you signed a contract (and double check what they can dismiss you for, the notice period of that, whether your visa is reliant on that job and how easy it is to find another one if the worst did happen), then I would agree with the majority of people (the supportive ones) - 3 months is way too long a separation. A lot of the more helpful replies were with 2 parent families who signed up to it together, but that’s not your situation. I know you say that your ex is a good man who won’t betray, but that is naive, perhaps because you are so desperate for it to happen - it is almost like winning a lottery ticket for you! Bottome line: Move kids together. Take them with you. Be prepared for an unsettled early start but it will pan itself out. Just don’t break that emotional bond with them and explain that you will all experience this together. And if your ex does also move out there, that’s a better plan for the kids.
If youre looking for more pratical advice on moving abroad, find another string, as the people on here won’t help you.
So do it, but dont leave them behind.

This. As I said in my own post, if you’re after more practical help, consider posting in the Living Overseas chat.

That said, our advice may well differ depending on where you are moving to. Unless it’s too outing, you would get more tailored advice if you say where the job is. As said above, often if your job is lost, so is your visa, which means a huge and expensive upheaval for your children. Many of the international schools have expensive golden hello payments. Fine if firm paying; not so fine if you are.

I’m on 5 times more than if I was in the UK, doing the same job (legal), so it can happen.

What job is that? And which country?

At what ages on each of the three occasions @Libbyloo174 ?