Moving abroad first bringing children later

[ThatLilacStork]

Hello, I’ve been offered a new job abroad I have two children 8 and 12 and I am not with their father, this new job is considerably more income and would completely change our lives for the better, their father has given permission for the kids to go on the basis of I go first and get a life set up for them eg, find a home and school.

He suggested I go for three months come back for a month take them over for a month during holidays bring them back then go for another three months and build it up slowly like that. But it would mean spending a number of months away from them.

Does this seem insane or does it seem doable? My children are pretty adaptable as I have not been with their father for many years so have always moved between us sometimes for a few weeks at a time depending on school holidays.

I should add kids are keen to move but older one wants to stay settled in school until we have a solid foundation to move to, thanks for reading

What happens if the kids don’t want to go and want to stay with dad. They’ll be living with him and seeing you for this six months, presumably at high school with friends and settled this is a real risk the like the new routine - not one I’d take personally but if that’s a possibility your happy with the there’s no reason you can’t do it.

Its not "malicious or nasty or evil" to not want to live in a different country to your own children! If someone tried to move my kids to a different timezone then I would do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. Not because im evil, because I love my children. Frankly, I find it bizarre that he's apparently so totally relaxed about his kids moving abroad without him. Unless he's not very involved in their lives that doesn't make sense.

It is not necessarily about being an evil plot. You will be establishing a dangerous status quo.

@ThatLilacStork i moved my kids away from their father (we are not together) two years ago. It wasn’t as big a distance as yours suggests. Are you moving to Middle East?

anyway, I didn’t have his support so I went to court - and won. The big factors to ascertain if kids will settle is how they feel about it, how resilient they are, and how you plan to ensure parental relationships are kept healthy (your child arrangement plans).

My experience of moving, and if you were my friend what I would be telling you to sit up and pay attention to is -

kids might like the idea, but the reality is harder. Much harder. There are many months when friends are missed, there are birthday parties but they are not invited, the food isn’t the same, life is uncomfortably different. They need to get over this hump just like an adult does. It takes a bit of time as making friends is organic. Don’t underestimate this.

If your kids are going back and forth, I think it leaves you open to them resisting returning on one of those visits, and then a whole new world of issues opens up. How would you feel out there with only one child willing to come back out to you? Would you let one child stay? Would one child come without the other etc? It’s a can of worms.

Schools, bank accounts etc, you can actually do A LOT in two weeks child free. You don’t need a few months to get set up.

This can be made massively easier as you and ex are co-parenting so well together, but everyone can turn. Just keep that in mind. A significant difference in opinion can still happen. People can change their minds on plans committed. I’d be careful.

Personally, I think you’re drawing out the difficult phase with your plan. Get the kids over as soon as possible. Ten days after you or something. Would ex come out with them to see the place?

Have a really concrete plan for trips over and back, top heavy for first eight months, but allowing for some roots to establish in new country too. Easier said than done I know. School will open up so many doors for you.

We are 2.5 years post move and we are all and truly settled. I also underestimated how much I would be preoccupied with them settling and waiting for signs that it was after all a good choice. It was tough on me, but green shoots appeared and they found their way.

It sounds like a great opportunity for you and the kids to have a different life experience and make money and better your career. I think it’s fantastic and as you have your exes blessing - go for it!

I get on brilliantly with my ex-H and he's a good dad, and that's why I would never have moved away when son was under 18. A better life isn't always about money. Family is one of the most important things for children.

If I had to go, I'd all go together, because it's going to be an upheaval for the kids either way, and you can have home/school etc set up before you go anyway.

If you and ex-H are looking to all move abroad anyway, I'd wait til he's gone, and then sort my own/children's move out.

I think the prospect of moving countries for work isn’t something the majority of proplecan relate to (I can’t, and I am C-suite level and work abroad for short stretches; no DC in the mix though).

It sounds to me like you’re trying to prepare the ground so they have a settled landing, and you and exDH have a proposal to make that work.

You have a small network in the new country already.

DC are used to moving around.

Both the lifestyle and the income are much improved from the current situation.

I say go for it. And congratulations on the new job!

I don't think your ex sounds evil. I do however think if you go first alone your children will never move it is one thing to talk about moving it is another to actually do it. Especially when the father will be able to evidence the children have been happily living full time with him and you might have to pay him maintenance from your new 6 figure salary. Is a new high paying job going to allow you to take a month of leave to visit them when you have barely started? Who will look.after the kids in the new country when you bring them to visit assuming your work.are not going to give you a second month of leave....

I think he's right to ask you to go out first get everything sorted and then move the kids. When we move abroad it was very stressful those first month or two, just trying to find childcare, find out where the supermarkets were all that sort of thing and I had a company relocation package and support !. I think doing this by yourself with DC in tow would be very tough. If it's only for a few months then at those ages it will be fine, they can do facetjme etc.

What do the numbers look like after tax in both countries? I can see the lure, especially if you are not 100% happy in your current location

Why is it okay for you to take the children away from their father? A father they see regularly and have a good relationship with. And then uproot their lives, all on a pipedream (you don't actually have the job yet by the sounds of it).

It all seems pretty selfish to me.

I don’t see the benefit of dragging it out so much. Yes you want to find a home first but that can easily be done in a month to six weeks. If I were you I’d plan to go out alone and secure a house rental then move the kids at the very next school holiday / as soon as they have places in the new school.
if you keep going away and to-ing and fro-ing you’ll all get used to that and it won’t feel like a shared move, it’ll be like they live with dad and visit you.

@ThatLilacStork- if I was you, I’d go talk to him (don’t do it over the phone or message, you need to look him in the eye/see his body language) and say “my fear is, the children will be settled living with you full time and has got used to not seeing me. What will we do if they don’t want to then move to xxx to be with me and want to stay with you full time? Will you force them to move?” If he refuses to answer, or says something like “don’t be silly, of course they’ll want to go we don’t need to think about that.” Then the answer is “no I won’t force them to go so you’ll have to just see them in the uk when you visit.”

He might not be planning on keeping the dcs full time, but that might just be what happens.

What do you imagine is going to take 3 months?
The hardest thing to find is an address, then getting a utility bill for enrolling in school, opening a bank account, buying a car, phone/internet/ elec/water
Id find an Admin agency. (Or possibly one if your friends can help you ?) To speed up the essentials, enrolling for school. Etc
Once you have a legal rental document All this could be done in a week.
Alot if research can be done remotely, go to “EXPAT Portugal”( for example) on fb & ask best areas to live, best schools etc.

If you speak the language call several estate agents & get a rental geographically convenient.

Do not leave your kids for 3 months with your XH. You’d have to be incredibly naiive gullible. to risk it.

LEARN THE LANGUAGE

Go for it.
Kids need resilience and adaptability. A move abroad will help teach them that.

editing to add that I did it, but found place and registered for everything and had kids move within a couple of weeks so doable a lot quicker than 3 months.

I can honestly say I speak to children I was close with at age 8. My best friend through life we are in our mid 50s now.

Dd3 is 22 she is still very close with her best friend she met age 3!
Ds at 24 has a close friend he met at age 6
Both of these friends attended dd1s wedding this year thats how close to the family these two are.

In terms of moving. While I see no issue with moving for say a month and get settled I would not go 3 months then all there 1 and 3 again. If you are looking to make a good routine for your children this is not aiding with this it is creating 7-8 months of change and little routine.

However personally if I was to move abroad with young children they would come along from word go

They also need both parents. Especially when both parents have been consistently in their lives.

It sounds like a fabulous opportunity for your children and for you. They are old enough to fly together unaccompanied to see their father when they want to.

But I wouldn't do it in bits, just move all of you. The back and forth he is suggesting sounds frankly a bit crazy. I was moved every 2 years as a child and it would have been, I think, a lot harder it it hasn't been a clean break.

Is one of the reasons for the split so that you can give the job a 3-month trial period in case it doesn't work out and you'll have uprooted them both unnecessarily? It would be a gamble that they didn't want to follow you anyway - would they get a say after 3 months and how would you cope if they preferred to stay where they are? A child of 12/13 should have some input in my opinion. It's all a gamble but now you've explained your financial position....it's beginning yo make more sense.

Speaking as someone who has relocated with kids twice - his plan is daft.

I think you’d be better off posting this in the Living Overseas section, tbh. You’ll get advice from those of us who’ve made similar moves.

IMHO, you need to do it cold turkey. All in one go. Leaving them behind is just prolonging the agony, and risks you being stuck in one country and them refusing to come out.

It’s doable, but very much depends on where you are moving to. For example, are school fees being paid by the firm? Will the children be going to an international school (easiest but most expensive option unless they speak the local language). Are you being offered a relocation package? A consultant to help with visas etc?

We moved away from UK when DS was 10, in the middle of Y5. At 12, I’m guessing your oldest is Y7 or maybe 8? Hard time to move, unless it’s somewhere like an international school, where all the kids are used to people leaving and arriving and seem to just make friends quickly.

Things like healthcare you can sort out before (presumably there’s healthcare included?). Again depending on where you’re moving to, online banking will see you through until you have a local bank account sorted. I opened an account via video with Starling and relied on contactless payments for the first few months until cards and things arrived, before sorting a local bank account. Revolut is also your friend here.

In our case, my DH moved over the year before, but stayed in temporary accommodation. I took DS over for weekends and half term, to visit schools and areas/apartments. It’s essential to get schools sorted first, which then dictates where you’ll be living, and much better for your children to have visited the school with you first, so they’re invested. We teed up the school, chose our apartment, and then decided on a move date. We were fortunate that DH firm paid for international movers, but obviously all the packing was down to me. We kept our UK base, though, so not a full move.

Personally I couldn’t do it, but the fact that you’re considering it suggests you’re up for it. You do you…

Other than a higher salary ( and forgive me, but you don’t write particularly fluently or grammatically, so I’m dubious about the salary leap, especially after two years unemployed, a period in a minimum wage job and a gap of several years in your professional employment — why would an employer in another country sponsor you from overseas for this job over people from that country?), who benefits, other than you? You seem to be minimising taking your children away from their father, because he has agreed (why?) and wants to move ‘abroad’ too? Are you saying he’s going to follow you to the same place, having found a job there?

He's trying to become the resident parent.

Don't fall for it.

Adding to say that, in your case, I’d get the schools sorted (like, now) first via email and video contact. Then go for a long weekend to visit/confirm school, and view and confirm apartments etc. You can always take ann Air bnb for a few months; this is what my DH did until we arrived. Even then, we spent our first week in an Airbnb before our apartment was available. Unless you are deciding to give your children a veto, you need to tell yourself that this is happening, and just get on with it.

Personally I think you going first to organise all the logistics - house, bank accounts, schools, etc. makes sense. I’m talking about a month here, not longer than that. But then I’d bring the kids and not go backwards and forwards. Keeping them in limbo will delay them getting used to their new life and their new schools, making friends, etc. if you have a good relationship with your ex, he could also come with all of you for a couple of weeks to help settle the kids and reassure them. Good luck x