Moving abroad first bringing children later

[ThatLilacStork]

Hello, I’ve been offered a new job abroad I have two children 8 and 12 and I am not with their father, this new job is considerably more income and would completely change our lives for the better, their father has given permission for the kids to go on the basis of I go first and get a life set up for them eg, find a home and school.

He suggested I go for three months come back for a month take them over for a month during holidays bring them back then go for another three months and build it up slowly like that. But it would mean spending a number of months away from them.

Does this seem insane or does it seem doable? My children are pretty adaptable as I have not been with their father for many years so have always moved between us sometimes for a few weeks at a time depending on school holidays.

I should add kids are keen to move but older one wants to stay settled in school until we have a solid foundation to move to, thanks for reading

Yes. It’s the OP’s account of her children’s father not only going along with this bizarre plan, but actually suggesting it, that would make anyone not terribly naive think twice.

So which is it, OP? He’s a neglectful, uncaring uninvolved father who says ‘Meh’ about his children moving a long way away internationally, but is happy to have them to live with him for months and months first? Or he’s a caring, involved co-parent who is happy to be the sole resident parent for the best part of a year, but is then happy to have them live permanently three time zones away so he has to hop on a plane to see them?

Is he going to change his mind part way through? Id be very wary.

As someone who spent their childhood moving around Europe, I'd say don't string it out. I would have absolutely hated what he's suggesting. Better to rip the bandaid off. I wasn't a fan of moving around the ages of your children because I wanted to stay with my friends but his plan would make things so much harder. Not properly there in the new place to engage and build new connections but not "home" enough to have stability there either. If they're struggling and don't want to go, a half and half approach like that would seem like torture I would have thought.

Communication will be very important especially if they're unsure. They need to know the plan and that it's not optional. My parents gave me two weeks notice that we were moving back to Germany 4 decades ago and I'm still annoyed about it.

I think the schedule that your ex suggests is unworkable and unnecessary. Your children have visited the country already, but even if they hadn't, if the decision has already been made then there is no need to drag it out. If the idea was for you to go and spend time there to see if moving permanently with DC was a good idea, then 3 months would make sense. You can organise schools etc from here. You mention having a 'settled home' to bring them to, but what does that mean in practice? You just need a home for them, even if you are living out of boxes for a week or two. You have a job and a friends network out there. With regards your ex, I don't think its a case of him being evil or malicious. However, he clearly cares about his children and 3 months is a long time. There is the possibility that your children get used to the new arrangement, less inclined to be uprooted, and your ex understandably refuses to force them to join you. That's the risk. Would you be prepared to come back?
ETA - you are not a monster and there's nothing wrong with wanting a better life for your family - the way that you/ex plan to do it is the issue.

Why do I immediately think you’re moving to Dubai 😂

It seems a bit nuts to me and a lot of hassle and unsettlement for the children, but I guess if they’re genuinely okay with it and you think it can work then that’s fine? You’d have to think about how they’re going to still be able to see their dad regularly (if they already do and want to continue doing so?), if they’re willing to learn a new language (if it’s a non-English speaking country) and lots of other things. As a child I’d have hated moving abroad even if it did mean lots more money; my whole life has been built here, but your family may well be different

I did this move with 6 and 8 yo and by myself. I was lucky as inherited apartment so I knew location and had home ready (it needed a face-lift but I had a roof over my head).

It was nice in the way they were there from the get go with me, I'd not lived there before either nor was I there first, it felt very, fun. We unpacked, made our home together which I think helped them settle nicely too. We decorated too and bought new furniture which helped.

We planned to go back to London regularly but somehow they settled so well, new friends etc that we didn't go back for a year! I don't think I'd have got the same result going to and from. We barely go back or think about the uk now at all, i really have to consider our future because I'm still paying expenses for our uk house! I honestly thought we would miss it so much we would fly in every school holiday to see family and friends but my girls have settled here so well they dont want to go! School I sorted once I was here because I had no idea how that worked - was easier to have my girls with me etc.

I think the biggest logistic issue may be finding a property. If I didn't have my current apartment, I would have probably found properties I wanted to view for rent (wouldn't commit to buying until I know the area) and organised viewings for as many as possible then flown in alone for a few days and chosen and signed paperwork - then I'd move the kids. I wouldn't leave them behind for weeks at a time, idk, just wouldn't sit right with me and also I'm unsure if that would help them in any way or make them more reluctant to moving with you, which may be problematic once you have sorted everything.

Finding a house can be done remotely. If you have a friend network out there already they can advise on best areas to live. Finding a school can also be done remotely. You could then visit for a week to view house and school then return home while things are sorted like house rental or purchase or whatever. I think moving DCs back and forth would be very unsettling and would not work with them needing to establish their own friendships etc through school.

holy shxtballs, that’s a nasty answer.
.what the hell is wrong with ambition, following it for a better and different lifestyle, trying to work out how to do it with everyone being happy? Sounds like OP & ex have pursued career dreams for a long time, split along the way, and still have the same careers/long term plans re work. And OP now has her chance and is looking for the best way to do it.

i’m do 60 hr weeks & travel for networking events, my husband works away on average 3 days a week and always has since our - now almost adult - kid was born. We pursue our careers actively, happily and enjoy what we do. It makes us happy and accomplished and successful people. It works for us!
We figured it out without nannies (I can do 95% of my work from home so always had an office there) and with weird working hours so one of us were always there for drop off, pickup, play dates etc. Kid’s super happy.

OP, you’ll make it work for you & your family, I’m sure. Is there an option for ex to make the same move now and actively look for a new job there? If it’s the dream & ambition & you’re amicable, maybe all of you moving and making it work there as it does where you are now could be explored?

If you can make the gradual move work for you, do that. Just because it’s a bit untraditional doesn't mean it can’t work. And I agree: Not all exes are “out to get you/the kids”.
good luck!

Unfortunately I don't think this is the best forum for the question you have asked, as many don't understand parents who leave their kids for a period of time. Even if they will be perfectly safe and happy and it is preparing for a better future.

I think 3 months is quite a long period to get everything set up, I think you could probably manage most of it in a month. However, if it works better around school terms/years, your timings could also makes sense. Also ultimately depends on which countries you are moving between (which I appreciate might be too outing to say) and if they are going into international or local schools.

Buying a house might take longer, unless you are starting by renting, but a lot of prep could be done online, with other bits like furniture, banks easier without kids but doable quicker than 3 months if it fits with your other timelines.

But also speak to the kids and see what they want to do. How quickly do they want to get out there? Do they want to visit first or move quick? Are they happy to spend that much time away from you?

I've moved a lot, and it can be hard to maintain relationships when you have a move away planned, their friends might not be as open to investing time with them if they know they are moving. So trying to speed up the timeline a bit could help them with feeling more settled.

Good luck!

From personal experience things can change quickly when you move abroad to get settled and prepare for the DC to come over; be prepared for your ex and DC to change their minds!

I was with DH, we had 2 children. By mutual agreement I applied for a job abroad and was successful, it was a lot more money for us. I went ahead, I sorted accommodation, schools and everything. They (with DH) came over on holiday but didn't want to stay.I was then "marooned" in another country with a great job but DH and DC not willing to move over. I'm not saying your plan won't work with the DC, just that you have to be prepared for that to happen.

Then you won't want to leave as it's much better pay and life, plus you don't want a 6 month job on your CV because it looks like failure for some reason which raises questions from future employers. So may work, may not - no one will know until it's actually done, but good luck!

You are mad. Take specialist international children law advice.

Absolutely insane and very unsettling.

Do the move in one go. Perhaps go first to set a home, so perhaps a month.

Moving to and fro so slowly is what sounds insane to me. You should all move together, at the same time.

You are the only one who knows what your children are best able to cope with. Mine would be fine living in a rented flat/AirBnB for however long it took to get a full time rental/buy a place. I do think you should look up the school process, to see whether children can join at any point in the year or there are exams they have to sit first etc. This wouldn't necessarily delay the process, but would mean perhaps paying for a full time nanny and tutor until they start school.

I was earning £25k in the UK and now earning 5 times as much overseas, so it’s not completely unheard of.

I don’t think you should do this

In his circumstances I think he’s being sensible, it’s certainly what you would have thought correct if situation was reversed. I do think going initially to set up home is a good ideal but when you take them for that month if everything is ok they can stay then but especially your older child I think they must be given some say because they could stay with their dad, only you can decide whether you could potentially have dc who don’t want to move with you? If a dad was moving overseas nobody here would support him taking dc away from their home, it’s no different to mums but doesn’t mean you can’t go too just need to consider them

Bring them with you - find a school online and rent an air n b for for you and your children for 3 months while you find permanent accomodation. You can sort it all out once you're there, but keep your kids with you!!!

Let me guess @ThatLilacStork …. This move from £30k to £150k - the new job has a pitiful base rate and most of this will be based on you hitting 100% commission target.

What industry?

After 3 months the dc will be adjusting to both a new country and living with a parent who they are no longer as familiar with. I don't think it's in their best interests.

The strength of their relationship with you is what will get them through the stress of the move, and maintaining that is far more important than identifying a school place.

Would it really take 3 months to find a home and school? Couldn't you go for a week or ten days to sort that, then bring them over?

Legal.

It is fairly standard for one adult to move first and then for the DC to move (with or without another parent moving as well).
However, the « building up » phase you describe is overly unsettling for the DC: why lot have them move « for good » once you have spent 1-2 months there and have sorted out housing / healthcare / school / etc. ?

It seems sensible to get yourself settled first before taking the DC into the unknown. Have you considered them staying with dad as the main carer permanently and seeing you in holidays? I wouldn't have wanted to move abroad at 12 and leave behind all I know. A change in curriculum at secondary level could be detrimental to their education too. If they're going to need to learn a new language that's an additional stressor for them. I wouldn't want to leave my children and I can see how such an increase in salary could be hard to turn down, but they have a good father in the country they know so maybe it's best they stay with him and have stability and familiarity.

Assuming you can research schools/admissions etc on-line well ahead of going, you should go and have them with you from the start.