Moving abroad first bringing children later

[ThatLilacStork]

Hello, I’ve been offered a new job abroad I have two children 8 and 12 and I am not with their father, this new job is considerably more income and would completely change our lives for the better, their father has given permission for the kids to go on the basis of I go first and get a life set up for them eg, find a home and school.

He suggested I go for three months come back for a month take them over for a month during holidays bring them back then go for another three months and build it up slowly like that. But it would mean spending a number of months away from them.

Does this seem insane or does it seem doable? My children are pretty adaptable as I have not been with their father for many years so have always moved between us sometimes for a few weeks at a time depending on school holidays.

I should add kids are keen to move but older one wants to stay settled in school until we have a solid foundation to move to, thanks for reading

As someone who was moved abroad and lived in various places, I never saw it as disruption, I saw it as exciting adventures! Change isn't necessarily bad, and getting kids used to dealing with change makes them more resilient. I found it a wholly positive experience, and making new friends, learning new things was part of the adventure.

Parents were together, but sometimes didn't live in same countries, and that was also fine and didn't cause any issues - perfectly possible to maintain relationships at a distance and still have a great relationship with both parents at those times.

@ThatLilacStork I think it's probably not a bad idea for you to go first and set stuff up, including school places, but then just move the children once when it's done, not so much back and forth. Just one move, and then back for holidays and visits etc.
You might well be able to get your company to pay for a relocation company to support you and help with that kind of admin, so the first visit could be cut to 4-6 weeks.

Best of luck!

I’d plan to go out for 4-6 weeks to get set up in a place to live etc and have the initial settling in period at work which would all he easier on your own.
but I don’t see why you’d need 3 months, maybe I’m naive but surely once you have a place to live, the rest is just regular life admin. It doesn’t take that long and need dedicated sole focus.

then I’d plan to fly home, stay a few days (no idea why he thinks you need a month at home) and bring the kids over with a plan that they go back and visit dad after a month. Ideally that would line up with a school holiday break.
then they come back to you after a long weekend / half term and you get in to a regular cadence of them visiting dad monthly / every school holiday.

they wouldn’t be able to keep dropping in and out of school under his proposal so better to just get on with it.

Sounds a bit mad to me.

Don’t you have to give notice/ work a notice period?

Unless you already know it well, I’d go and do a long ish visit to the country first, before I took the job (ideally a week minimum) with the kids. Then give notice and agree to start the new job in a few months (I think my own notice period is 6 weeks). Once you’ve given notice and accepted the new job then you can sort out a place to live and schools and then move across with everything more or less in place (ideally I’d move out during a school holiday of some sort).

I think what your ex has proposed wouldn’t work for my kids as they’d be constantly being reminded of what they’d left behind and less incentivised to make new connections in the new area. I would also worry it would disrupt schooling. I do agree they should see their dad in the school
holidays but I might encourage him to come to you all for the first couple of times.

What kind of career progression is this?

It depends on where you are now (country) and where you are moving to (country)

Why can’t you go for two weeks to set up and then come back and bring them. Why three months??

That's nuts. You can find a school and at least a temporary home before you go. Sounds like your ex is manipulating the situation. Where are DC supposed to live whilst you are away for six months or so? With him? Just move.

Hi OP. I’m hoping to offer a more pragmatic answer.The key things I’d say are the following:

1. Maximising your earning potential now is a sensible thing to do. You’re not being greedy, you have to make a living for your family and you found a good opportunity. Make sure it makes sense as a part of a longer term plan as well (are you planning to staying in the other country indefinitely? For x years so you can save x amount? What is the next logical career move after that? How stable is the job and what protection do you have if things go wrong?). That’s not the question you’re asking but something you 100% need to consider.
2. Moving as a single parent is very different than moving as a family. It’s much harder to “wing it” and be flexible when you’re the only adult. It would make a lot of sense for you to go first and get settled before bringing the kids.
3. The thing I would probably question is the timeline and steps you describe. I’d probably be more comfortable with staying there 3-4 months on my own, with 1 visit from the kids and their dad halfway through, and then going to pick them up myself for good. Not sure too much back and forth is beneficial for anyone involved.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

OP, you’re going to struggle on Mumsnet with this, most people here have no idea about international families, and because it’s so far outside their experience they assume children will struggle. Just look at the threads on really simple things like children flying unaccompanied minor. But it absolutely can be made to work and can be a real positive for the children.

I think his initial plan is relatively sensible. Go and find a house and get settled in the job, understand transport and schooling and stuff. And then bring them over for a month so they can get used to everything and understand where they will go to school and where they will live before they have to pack up their lives for the long term. You don’t have to be apart for all that time, you can do as many trips back as you can manage to do. But it does sound like he expects that phase to be too long, I’d pick September as the start of the next school year as the point to move permanently so they have a set date they know from the start (assuming the country you’re moving to has the same school year start).

I don't think his suggestion is a good one.
Maybe you can get some temporary accommodation lined up for 3 months, then send them back for the month to your ex (the reverse basically) while you crack on with finding your long term home and any remaining admin.

Ask your employer if they are able to offer any relocation support, and tap into your network there. If they also moved there I.e. not natives ask them for advice.

Good luck! Hope its a great move for your family.

Oh dear, that's MN for you OP 🤗

What do the kids think of doing it this way?

I think this sounds very reasonable if you have an opportunity to change your lives for the better. It sounds like your ex is a good man who also wants the best for the children. I can imagine mine being the same, he always puts the kids first. I can't imagine people having an issue if it was the dad moving abroad, but as a society, it's less acceptable for women to have ambition and not completely sacrifice themselves in motherhood.
Go for it.

Many expats move abroad particularly to UAE and live in compounds or areas surrounded by other Brits. They send their kids to International or British schools. They don’t move to downtown Nairobi or Bangkok and send their kids to the local school. In other words, they have no intention of integrating.

I’ve moved internationally a number of times, twice with a child. It’s not that unusual. However, (1) the OP’s plan is needlessly disruptive to the children, as she doesn’t need anywhere near that long to set things up, far less this deeply silly idea of ‘gradually building up’ stints in the other country, and (2) the OP’s plan is naively reliant on the children’s father being, bizarrely, perfectly happy to assist in her moving his children to a distant country by being their sole resident parent for many months before losing regular time with them unless he or they take a lengthy flight, apparently on the grounds that he’s ‘always wanted to move abroad’ himself.

Im not sure I believe any of this.

OP I don’t think you are wrong to go, I just think you are terribly naive to not think what would happen if your 12 year old (will they be 13 by the time of exHs planned move?) says no. What if they say “I’m used to living with just dad now and seeing mum in the holidays. I’d rather stay here with dad at this school and visit mum, not go to xxx, start a new school and visit dad.”

You need a plan for this highly likely outcome. Most people who’ve moved abroad with dcs haven’t been separated from their child’s other parent. The children haven’t had another option. This is a big risk you are taking.

If you are ok with that, crack on. But if you want your dcs with you in x country, best to take them at the start when they are used to living with you.

Insane

Yeah and fair play to him for that. Why would he want his kids to move away from him to another country.

If your kids are on board and your ex is supportive, I’d say it’s worth a go. What IS critical is that before any young lives get uprooted, your foundations need to be strong. Your Ex is right, if they’re going to go over, things need to be settled enough for them to slot in.

You may get over there and hate it, the job might not be as you expected.

as for those saying the kids would be unsettled, kids are adaptable and it would be a huge experience for them. Many kids live in boarding schools and fly around to their diplomat/military parents, it enriches their lives in the main. This is a better scenario, they get to spend lots of time with their dad, then over to you for long holidays and then back. There will be other opportunities for short trips too, either you to pop back, or them to come over to you.

this is a great opportunity for you, I say take it. Especially as you and your ex have such a great and supportive relationship wrt the kids

I wouldn't leave my kids. You can sort a home and school out before you go.

Seems fine in principle but why so long? Just do the set-up once, then they move. All the shuttling seems a bit unnecessary.

I'm a bit of an all or nothing person so I think I'd probably want to just jump in instead of doing it in stages but you know yourself and your family best. You get on well with your Ex and he also wants to move. Would it be feasible for him to take extended leave from work and move over too for the 'setting up ' period and look for work too?

Fine for you to go first and then take the kids once you're settled, but the whole back and forth is a bit bizarre sorry and would be more unsettling than just moving them over.

Many organisations provide some support to people on boarding with a family overseas including advice on schools etc. I live overseas and none of our friends or colleagues have moved without the children, I’m not sure your plan would be settling. The only exception is where the children are boarding in UK.

I've moved internationally several times, although so far I've only BEEN the child, not (yet) brought along a child. I don't think MumsNet is especially resistant to the concept of moving internationally - in fact, I'd say it's usually discussed fairly realistically here.

Your going ahead and bringing the children along later could make sense in a case where, for example, you have to go and start work ASAP and they're in the middle of a school year/term so it makes sense for them to stay put and finish. The idea of making them move back and forth several times makes no sense though; they'll be going back and forth enough just to spend time with each parent. Better to dive right in, especially at those ages, with a clear idea of when they'll be able to go back to stay with dad, see their friends and extended family, etc.

Also, re your comment that you may not see them for several months at a time - yes, if you're moving to a country which is a long, expensive trip from where you are now and from where their other parent lives, each parent will probably have much longer stretches away from the children than is the case now. And vice versa - remember, the children will also have the experience of not seeing one of their parents regularly, wherever they are.

His plan makes no sense for your children because the too-ing and the fro-ing would be incredibly unsettling. In addition, his plan would make it much easier for him to assume permanent residency of your children.

As a child whose parents moved abroad with frequency, take them with you. Part of the settling in is working things out together, exploring the culture, establishing a routine together. It is a bonding experience and but also allowing them to make some choices themselves like schools, looking at houses with you and so on. Children aren’t add ons, they are part of the family and should have some involvement and engagement in some of the decisions you make. I always was allowed a view on schools and loved exploring neighbourhoods when looking at houses. Let them be part of the fun and the occasional worry.