Moving abroad first bringing children later

[ThatLilacStork]

Hello, I’ve been offered a new job abroad I have two children 8 and 12 and I am not with their father, this new job is considerably more income and would completely change our lives for the better, their father has given permission for the kids to go on the basis of I go first and get a life set up for them eg, find a home and school.

He suggested I go for three months come back for a month take them over for a month during holidays bring them back then go for another three months and build it up slowly like that. But it would mean spending a number of months away from them.

Does this seem insane or does it seem doable? My children are pretty adaptable as I have not been with their father for many years so have always moved between us sometimes for a few weeks at a time depending on school holidays.

I should add kids are keen to move but older one wants to stay settled in school until we have a solid foundation to move to, thanks for reading

Yes why post on AIBU in the first place?

Agreed with others that £30k to £150k sounds very fishy

I don't know how old your kids are. I just wanted to share my own experience, which was my mum moving abroad for 6 months when I was about 17. It really damaged my relationship with DM even though at the time I was outwardly supportive. But I felt she was putting her own needs above mine and I still struggle with that. So I think if you are committed to the move, i would make a plan for how the kids can be with you sooner rather than later.

I agree . You talk about it been a long time to not see your kids going for a month, how do you think your ex will feel when you take the kids to a different county? It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to your kids . They deserve to have a relationship with both parents and it’s much harder for them to do that if they live in a different country to their dad . I say this as a single parent . I wouldn’t ever take the kids away from him , they love their dad and they’d miss him.

No. The to-ing and fro-ing will unsettle them. You should go by yourself for a shirt visit (if possible) to rent a home, find schools. Perhaps you can do that by video links etc? Then move, once, with the children.

If you trust him, go and set up and then they come. That’s it. Not all this going and coming. Too much faff.

That’s crazy. Kids don’t need that kind of thing - sounds worst of both worlds! Ideally you want to move over in the beginning of their summer holidays so they can get settled in before school starts. I did move my kids mid year (6 and 8 years old) and that made it harder.

To answer the question - yes, that’s insane. Do it or don’t do it but don’t faff around like this.

You've decided to do it and how it's going to work for you (not the children) so go for it - why are you even asking? You don't want to hear any opinion that disagrees with yours so crack on.

I haven’t changed the narrative, I asked if me going first was the issue I haven’t asked for opinions on moving my children, I’m working a minimum wage job atm because my mum died and I was out of work for two years depressed, and the minimum wage job was the first thing I got back into, I have a degree in economics and few I can finally go back into my field of work, I asked for options to moving my kids abroad in an easy way and you’ve all picked me apart and accused my childrens dad of plotting against me and saying I’m selfish for wanting a better life for my kids and more money for their future you’re all vultures picking on peoples who life if different to you’re own and now I’m sitting here thinking what an awful monster I must be for wanting more for my families life

Setting up a life can mostly be done online before you go (I have done this). Think about ages of children when they come back if you think you will move them again. Will they be in international school, in which case kids might well be coming and going and they will be less settled in a friendship group and see moving back as more normal . We chose to come back for secondary, friends came back when oldest was about to start GCSEs. In what way will more money be life changing.? How much do those things matter compared to regular contact with both parents? Genuinely asking?

I say get help to set up new life:

• visit with kids for one week and see what it’s like yhere, look around together. Come home and start planning.
• go again all together for say 2 weeks and plan heavily in advance - house / school etc, find professional to help you set things up (employer might help??) come home again.
• go back all together again visit schools set up bank account etc. Set date for actual moving.
• move all together!!!

I don't understand the long staggered start. Why is that better?

Most people sort schools etc from the uk and move all together.

I can't quite see what the perceived benefits of your planned approach are?

What type of new job is it that you can do three months then come back to UK for a month?

Regardless, it sounds awful for the children. If they’re moving abroad do it together, don’t make them do a month here and there. Sometimes it’s unavoidable but I don’t why anyone would voluntarily not see their own children for months at a time.

My mum moved me and my siblings abroad when I was 12 meaning I saw my dad a couple of times a year from then on. I don’t know what our relationship might have been like if I could have seen him more often but as it is, I don’t feel like I know him, and he doesn’t know much about my life. We were an hour’s difference in terms of time zone. If I wanted to see my dad I had to either wait for him to come and visit, or wait for my mum to organise for me to go there, which was a big and exhausting journey. If you’re in the UK now, any countries that are 3 hours difference are quite far away.
I have a child of my own and the idea of living in a different country from her is unimaginable. I also couldn’t take her away from her father if we split as I know he feels the same. Plus there isn’t a chance in hell he’s agree to it because he wants to see her and be there for her.
I would think extremely carefully about whether this is in the children’s best interests.

I agree with this. No backwards and forwards. You go, get settled, then bring move them once.

I hope this doesn't come across too harshly but what you're saying is quite manipulative and immature (accusing people of being vultures and making you feel awful, putting words into people's mouths) and I get that you're angry, but the huge emotional reaction to multiple people saying it isn't a good idea suggests that you haven't actually thought this move through/know deep down it's dodgy and were just looking for validation.

Saw your last message OP. We’re not all vultures, I think it could work but like most I think you just do some online beforehand and unless it’s somewhere where rentals are hard to get you sort home and school and it’s mostly done.

We lived in holiday accommodation temporarily but you might need local guarantor/bank account for something to rent longer term. Check re driving license if relevant etc We booked a hire car and picked it up at airport. Kids had backpacks that turned into booster seats.

I would post again asking about advice for moving to that country to get more idea of how long it would take. Or maybe there are existing threads that you can read. Maybe name change so it’s not outing.

I’ve lived abroad a few times it’s maybe not as time-consuming to set up as you think. Plan where you live around work and school you like the look of online. Great their father is planning to come too. Good luck.

@ThatLilacStork where will your children go to school, local or international, day or board?
who will look after them if you’re ill? Take a day off with them if they’re ill?

Loads of people move their families overseas and it turns out really well for them. I hope it’s the same for you. I’d do what I could to set things up then take them with me, no to’ing and fro’ing. It’s puzzling that your ex is saying he’s fully supportive when he sounds hands on, so I think you need to be aware that his plan might be his subconscious way of not being quite as happy as you think he might be. I wonder how he will react if you tell him you don’t want to do it the way he suggests. In terms of contact, it’s much easier to maintain, thanks to Zoom, etc. Is he planning to visit you?

Inmoved abroad with children. I rented an aparthotel for a month and used that time to find permanent accommodation.

Most of what you’ll need to do can be researched and arranged online- schools etc. There’s no need to go ahead without your children and I think that’s what people are finding a bit odd. Going together makes it an adventure for all three of you. Leaving the children behind makes it n adventure for you and probably quite upsetting for them. It will add complexity but if you want to do it, do it together.

Regarding their father, you may be right that he’s just being helpful. You may be wrong. You may find that he changes his mind about them going or that they suddenly decide not to go- it’s just another thing that could go wrong. Stick together and find a way to make it work as a unit.

We are ex pats and know a lot of families who move internationally as often as every 2 years. No one prolongs the moving as you propose. I know of one family who are currently located between here and the UK as the oldest is in his GCSE year, but he will move here to do his post 16 schooling. There are some others where the "worker" moved a month or two before as it was a time sensitive job but most families just move all at the same time.

If the company is a large international one then they will have in house relocation teams and you will be offered a reccie trip (that you can take your kids on if you want) to sort out logistics. Decent ex pat packages include as a minimum accommodation and schooling and in most cases, most people live in the same area and go to the same school. Use these networks, and you have also mentioned you know people there already - ask them to share info on where they think you should live etc. It all sounds very doable without the back and forth which would be disruptive for everyone. What are the percieved benefits to doing it how you/your ex husband has proposed?

Also - separate comment, I assume the £150k tax free and you get additional allowances for accommodation/schooling/flights etc? It will not be as lucrative as you think it will be if you need to pay anything towards them. Our school fees are £35k a year per child, for example.

Yes. Because that's exactly what someone planning to keep them would do if they are clever enough.

Its not worth the risk. If youre going they come too.

Agree with this. It sounds like this would be an easier way than to challenge the plan. You already have one child who is resistant to moving and is likely to be easily convinced on staying here as it won't be a good time for them to leave as they have just started xyz, they will be leaving friends, dad is here so it's no issue staying, mum chose to leave etc.

It’s not that unrealistic - OP hasn’t said where the move would be to. My salary is £40k in London but would be £150k in the Middle East in countries such as UAE - i know this because I’m on several jobs forums/mailing lists where jobs are advertised so it’s really not that unrealistic. It wouldn’t give the OP a more outdoor lifestyle if it was UAE though!

It's fairly common in my experience to have a parent moving first, particularly if it's during a school year.
My parents did this when we moved as a teen, and it's what most foreign senior leaders in my organisation do now when they move to the UK.

But what your ex is suggesting is too long, it would be enough for you to go for the first 3 months, establish yourself on time for the next school year, and move your children over there during the summer holiday.
It's particularly useful to find long term accomodation, as get more time and get to know the city you're moving to better. If you need to move your stuff over there by cargo, it usually takes a few weeks as well.

The back and forth he's suggesting will be very disruptive I think, and will make it difficult to settle.