BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

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Future SIL is marrying my BIL this year and has asked my husband's ex wife to be a bridesmaid along with my stepdaughters. They have been friends ever since their split after siding with her and refusing to hear my husband's side of the story. My husband and his brother have long had a fraught relationship which improves then devolves with regularity. To be clear, she was abusive during their marriage and even afterwards.

Here is where the AIBU is: his brother has asked him to be the best man, but has said he must sit away from me and our son and sit next to his ex wife at the top table. He didn't react well when my husband pointed out the bad blood from the past and that he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife at the expense of me and our son.

Brother is now accusing my husband of being selfish and making the entire day about himself and that if he truly cared for him he would play "happy families" for him.

AIBU to expect my husband to sit next to me? His brother and future wife haven't been particularly kind nor welcoming to me either so that is colouring my feelings about the situation.

I would not be giving an opinion and would be leaving it entirely up to DH. This sounds hard enough for him without an added layer of pressure from you because of your feelings about the b&g.

He's not unreasonable not to want to btw, but because of the behaviour of his ex, not because he has to be with you.

If my sibling invited my abusive ex to the wedding and made them part of the wedding party I would not be attending the wedding full stop.

I wouldn't attend the wedding at all. They all sound batshit and I'd avoid them like the plague.

A mixture of poster one and two, Id say it’s nothing really to do with you as it’s a family matter but I’d also ask him diplomatically if he wants to go.

The best man usually sits next to or at least on the same end of the table as the groom, while the bridesmaid/moh is on the bride's end, is that not an option? So still top table but other end from the ex.

He is not unreasonable to not want to sit beside an abusive ex. If it was me I'd be contemplating whether to even go at all if that's the attitude of Brother and SIL.

It is not about you, but inviting someone who has been abusive to a wedding and it is known about, would mean if I was invited I would be declining.

Agree. I wouldn’t attend full stop.

Why bother going? It doesn't sound much fun. Your sil sounds petulent, entitled and a pain in the arse.

Save the costs and have a lovely weekend away somewhere else.

Your dh is entirely reasonable in not wanting to sit next to his abusive ex.
Not sitting with you and your ds is not the same level of problem.

I also think it the abusive ex was a man opinions would be clear cut and one sided.

It sounds awful and not very accommodating of his brother. I guess your DH should make it clear that it's either he sits with you and son but goes up to end of top table to give his best man speech.or he doesn't attend at all.

Whilst I would usually say its their wedding their choice in this case they can make kinder choices or live with the consequence of what their choice brings.

This is nuts! Your BIL is a prick and I’d be telling him to shove it. Even asking her to be bridesmaid is too much and so unbelievably disrespectful!

I also assuming there's slightly more to this backstory eg DH cheated on ex perhaps?

Anyway I think it's just very weird that BIL and SIL have decided that both halves of this former couple are going to play a key role in their day. They are simply bonkers. It was never a good idea (throw alcohol into the mix and something is bound to kick off!!).
Personally I think DH needs to step down from being best man. It's the best solution

Oh, I wouldn't have any issues with him sitting away from me had the abusive ex wife not been involved. As I'm not a bridesmaid I wouldn't expect to be seated at the top table either way.

This is up to your husband and his brother to resolve and you need to stay well out of it.

If you would feel hypocritical celebrating the marriage of someone whom you do not like and doesn't seem to respect you then decline the invitation. Weddings are not compulsory.

How odd. I'd not be attending this wedding. If I was in your husbands shoes and he was including my abusive ex in his wedding as well as having any relationship with her, id be having no relationship with him.

If my brother sided with my abusive ex over me then I wouldn't be attending his wedding anyway. Why on earth did they choose her over their own family?

Either ex wife wasn't as abusive as DH says or BIL is a dick. Assuming OP has good reason for believing her DH then it's the latter.

First thing is i would not be going. Regardless.
I would have one discussion with my DH to tell him to point out to his brother that he is expecting him to sit with his abusive ex, and that he is not prepared to do that.

If your DH can't see that his brother is abusing him by doing this, and still wants to attend the wedding as best man, that's on him.

But i would be prepared to be available to go and collect him at the drop of a hat on that day.

If its a top table surely ex can sit on brides side and your husband on grooms side.

Totally normal for best man to be on the top table. Not even sure why you are going op if they are best friends with the ex and guessing not you?

What I find weird is that you have victim blamed the DH. He must have been cheating to be abused!!!

I’d remind DH that you support him in not attending. And stepping far away from BIL.

if your h and his brother have a fraught relationship, I’d nicely decline being his best man and just ask to attend the wedding as a regular guest. Sounds awful for your h. His brother is being totally uncaring about his feelings and is being a bridegroomzilla. Why would he want to upset your h just for the sake of appearances???

I don’t really see how you get an unreasonable- it’s not up to your whether your DH sits next to you or not- all you can do is decline the invite.

what an awkward situation.

You posted without reading all the responses?

No I am not victim blaming. Sorry if that came across wrong.
SIL clearly siding with the ex wife. OP said they won't listen to DH side of the story. Therefore there are 2 sides to this story. It is not inconceivable that if DH cheated then the ex wife is going to be angry and potentially abusive. All I was saying that I suspect it's not as simple as "couple broke up, ex wife is abusive" given that SIL is clearly very close to the ex.