BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

[GotTheBluePeterBadge]

Future SIL is marrying my BIL this year and has asked my husband's ex wife to be a bridesmaid along with my stepdaughters. They have been friends ever since their split after siding with her and refusing to hear my husband's side of the story. My husband and his brother have long had a fraught relationship which improves then devolves with regularity. To be clear, she was abusive during their marriage and even afterwards.

Here is where the AIBU is: his brother has asked him to be the best man, but has said he must sit away from me and our son and sit next to his ex wife at the top table. He didn't react well when my husband pointed out the bad blood from the past and that he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife at the expense of me and our son.

Brother is now accusing my husband of being selfish and making the entire day about himself and that if he truly cared for him he would play "happy families" for him.

AIBU to expect my husband to sit next to me? His brother and future wife haven't been particularly kind nor welcoming to me either so that is colouring my feelings about the situation.

Why are you even going?

Absolutely this as well, but he has been dealing with this for many years even prior to their divorce.

The real pain for my husband is that his own brother is unwilling to hear his side on what happened.

I'm currently undecided whether to attend or not.

Is this so the ex can pretend she has a partner?

This. I wouldn't go. It's so ridiculous and unfeeling.

You're unreasonable to expect him to be sat next to you because the norm is for the best man to sit at the top table.

But obviously it isn't unreasonable for him to not want to sit next to his abusive ex, and it surely isn't a request that couldn't be accommodated!

I think your husband has a couple of choices here - assuming he still wants to attend his brother's wedding - tell his brother that he will no longer be his best man, he's not prepared to sit at the top table with his ex-wife, therefore will be a regular guest and seated with you and your child. If his brother refuses to entertain the above, then he wishes his brother well and declines the wedding invitation.

My bridesmaids all sat together on one table along with the ushers. The only people on our top table were me, husband, my parents, my FIL, FIL's wife and best man. Your BIL and SIL are deliberately seating your husband and his ex together, traditionally they wouldn't be sat together!! So therefore it's been done deliberately, there's no reason why they need to be. Given the hostility and history between the two, it's a crazy idea to seat them together.

This is my feeling. It feels very deliberate on their part which is why it makes me feel uneasy.

I haven't voted. What I would do in your shoes is say to your husband that you 100% support him in however he wants to play this. That his happiness and wellbeing is your prime concern and you will do or say whatever will help him most. This is not me being all "Surrendered wife" I would have expected my late husband to do this for me in the same way that I would have done for him.

Your DH has already told the groom that he won't be sitting next to her so what's the problem?

He didn't react well when my husband pointed out the bad blood from the past and that he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife

If this was my DH I’d be gently encouraging him to give the whole thing a miss. It’s up to him, of course, and if he really wanted to go I’d support him, but it sounds like a thoroughly bad idea to me. These people do not care about him. They do not love or respect him. They aren’t going to become better people just because they are getting married, so personally I would see nothing to celebrate about their union.

There’s an element of performative cruelty about this plan that I find really disturbing.

He is upset and angry at the situation, I don't want to add anything to the pressure he's feeling.

This situation has certainly showed me who I intend to spend my energy on in the future and it's not my BIL and SIL!

It’s just the dinner and speeches. I’d tell my brother I’m not sitting next to her, but will be on the tip table, then when the dancing etc starts he can move to your table.
it would also be nice if his brother would at least put your proximity on your table close to where he is on the top table

Except that you have neither evidence nor reason to suspect there was cheating. That has come entirely from your imagination. So yes, you are victim blaming and in a particularly nasty way.

Actually this is a very good point. This is not a traditional seating plan so there would be really zero reason to do this unless you wanted either to provoke a situation where DH has to step down or you were trying to do something to facilitate the exw for some reason I cannot fathom. It does feel deliberate and nasty

OP What do you think BIL's/SIL's reasoning is behind the demand?
I can't figure it out. Could be any of the below.

• He thinks he can mend bridges between ex and DH and be the peacemaker?
• BIL is doing to make his nieces the bridesmaids happy?
• He's has zero empathy to think about other people's problems and is just operating fixed mindset of an MOH sits at top table, BM sits at top table. Its tradition full stop?
• Ex has insisted to BIL that BM has to sit at the top table for who knows what reason?
• The BIL/SIL ultra close relationship with Ex is going to continue to draw DH into difficult situations, particularly if he can't stand to be in the same room as her. Maybe they find his discomfort amusing?
• Maybe they don't even know why they are insisting. They are just enjoying the opportunity to do that.

I think this comment about "playing" at happy families is grim. He wants your DH to put on a fake act...then he needs to explain why.
I expect you'd rather not go, unless DH wanted you there to support him.
But if they are that emeshed with the ex and DH is really uncomfortable then maybe there's not much to be lost by turning their request down.

Your H seems to be handling this. And he’s right to tell his B that he won’t sit with his ex

if I were him, I’d say I’m sitting with @GotTheBluePeterBadge non negotiable, or I’m not attending.

BIL could VERY easily factored in the state of things, had a table for him, his bride and parents and the best man with his family and the MOH with hers, it’s not rocket science but he’s making this a drama for no reason at all.

There's something horribly controlling and performatively nasty about this. It's like they are insisting on imposing their preferred reality on you both.

Imagine if the roles were reversed and a family were forcing a woman to sit next to her abusive ex at a wedding while leaving her current family cast off somewhere else. What's the difference?

I'd be tempted to not go. It's not like you are going to have a relationship with these people to maintain in the future.

This. People wouldn't be saying there must be more to it and maybe she cheated.

I don't think anything was conclusive. My husband is still weighing up what to do despite the argument.

Is there any reason why your DH would change his mind and agree to sit next to her?

I don't want to add anything to the pressure he's feeling.

yup, hence my suggestion.

I wouldn't attend a wedding where my husbands abuser was present let alone tolerate this nutty request and niether would he, family or not.

So this really lies with your DH. He can either stick to his guns and refuse to sit next to her or he can piss you off to please his brother's wife.

Why would you assume that DH had cheated and that was the reason he was abused by his ex ? Would you make the same assumption of a woman exposed to marital abuse from a partner ? If someone has cheated and their partner decides to forgive and continue the relationship that’s one thing. Staying and making the cheating partners’ life a misery is unacceptable in any scenario.