BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

[GotTheBluePeterBadge]

Future SIL is marrying my BIL this year and has asked my husband's ex wife to be a bridesmaid along with my stepdaughters. They have been friends ever since their split after siding with her and refusing to hear my husband's side of the story. My husband and his brother have long had a fraught relationship which improves then devolves with regularity. To be clear, she was abusive during their marriage and even afterwards.

Here is where the AIBU is: his brother has asked him to be the best man, but has said he must sit away from me and our son and sit next to his ex wife at the top table. He didn't react well when my husband pointed out the bad blood from the past and that he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife at the expense of me and our son.

Brother is now accusing my husband of being selfish and making the entire day about himself and that if he truly cared for him he would play "happy families" for him.

AIBU to expect my husband to sit next to me? His brother and future wife haven't been particularly kind nor welcoming to me either so that is colouring my feelings about the situation.

I'm still not seeing the problem.

It's totally your DH's choice. What does he want to do?

Going against the grain here but to some extent you need to accept that other people are entitled to relationships on their own terms. If your SIL gets on well with this woman that’s up to her, it’s out of your control. You can’t expect other people to fall out with people you don’t get on with yourself. It’s madness to take this as a personal attack. Fair enough if someone’s ex was genuinely abusive but you’re only hearing one side of the story. Your husband and his ex may have been equally volatile with each other.

I have never seen a best man sitting beside the chef bridesmaid, aren’t they opposite sides of the couple.
All eyes will be on during the meal. Once speeches are over he can sit with you, it’s a difficult situation because his children are involved in the wedding, it would be really nice for them if the day went smoothly.
If he can manage to ignore her. It’s ridiculous to ask them both given the history as they usually have to interact as part of the party.

OP women post on MN to say they are being abused every day. They have no problem being believed and advised accordingly. Men however, have to explain themselves because some posters cling to the belief that men can’t be victims of DV or abuse at the hands of their female partner. It’s nonsense.

I think op you need to stay completely out of it. They've all been involved in this before you were around so I'd let them sort it out between them and just tell your dh you'll support him whatever he decides. It's his family and I don't think you can do/ let yourself feel anything about it even though internally it must be frustrating. If he decides to go I would go to support him and grin and bear it, if not then give him space to talk and that you have his back. I think bil and sil are ridiculous to expect two people who cannot get on to sit beside each other on the day anyway purely for the 'optics' but ultimately its their day and they can demand as much as they like - whether he goes along with it or not is up to your dh. I'd be giving him space without giving any opinion to weigh up his options and the consequences to each. I think a pp raised a fair question when they asked if he's able to grin and bear it and not allow himself to be baited on the day, or similarly is he physically or employed scared of her and does he feel safe enough to sit beside her on a basic level.

Up to them what they do. Up to you what you do. In your position I would not go to the wedding and let them get on with it and make their choices of who sits where.

That's MN for you, everything is twisted to be the man's fault!

I wouldn’t expect anything. However think the scenario you suggest is very common.

This. Can you imagine if women posting on MN about their experience of domestic abuse were met with the same response ?

Your dh should send the emails to his db and say look this is what I have to put up with even now. Op only he can decide what he wants to do if I was you if he does go is to attend with him with the biggest smile on your face and be affectionate and let her see how happy he is now with you controlling abusive never change unfortunately.

See you are still hand ringing. And now trying a different narrative.

What are you talking about? How am I hand wringing?! Not one person here has suggested OP or her DH are in the wrong. They are pointing out that they hold no control (apart from deciding to not attend) that isn’t a narrative, that’s real life.

I’m really struggling to understand your instance that people are hand wringing. It’s a post on Mn- do you think people even actually care?! They’re just contributing to the discussion.

I don’t think you understand my point at all.

I’ve made it very clear I don’t understand your point at all

I can't understand why your DH agreed to be Best Man in the first place? BIL doesn't like him, and refuses to acknowledge that he's been/is being abused.

Does your DH genuinely support this marriage?

"Here is where the AIBU is: his brother has asked him to be the best man, but has said he must sit away from me and our son and sit next to his ex wife at the top table."

In the standard seating your husband would be as far from his ex as is possible. So what the fuck does his brother think he is playing at?

It's awful that they're still in contact with someone who was abusive to their family member. Now, if they'd just split up, they could decide whatever they like for their own wedding, but your partner (and you and the rest of your family) would still have the right to decline an invitation.
But would you let a sister's abusive ex anywhere near your wedding, which is the same as what's going on here? Crazy. Unless they're the kind of people who believe it's impossible for a woman to abuse a man? I'd keep my family away from this lot full stop, where they want you to sit is not the issue.

The ex is clearly fine with it which is a bit sinister.

Your Dh should tell BIL that he is fine to sit at the top table, just not next to his ex. If Bil doesn't allow that then you know that there is an sgenda at play here and your DH should decline being best man.

There are several reasonable solutions here. If BIL won't hear of any of them then both of you should decline. You don't need to be manipulated like this when there are compromises.

Good grief, I am glad I had a very simple wedding without all the formalities. Your BIL sounds like a male Bridezilla and abusive.
I think I'd booked a holiday for their wedding dates..."sorry completely forgot we are in xxx that weekend, already paid everything upfront" and wish them a lovely day... bye-bye

I was empanelled on a jury with 1 other person between me and my abusive ex. When the Judge asked if there was any reason any of us could not sit on this jury, I went and told him why and he excused me.
Those few minutes sitting 2 seats from ex and then having to brush past him to exit were horrendous.
I can not imagine being in a bridal party with an abusive ex.

Surely the OP is family.

Of course the ex is fine with it. Abusers love an opportunity to pretend to be lovely and make the victim look like they are the problem. Also she's got OP's husband's family on her side, so she'll be loving it. I hope he decides not to go anywhere near the wedding.

This.

Inviting the ex tells me everything I need to know, and its that im not a priority, the ex is. So I'd make my excuses and withdraw from the wedding. They made a choice.

I have to admit, I've never heard of anyone asking a mother to be a bridesmaid along with her daughters. I find that arrangement bizarre on its own.
What age are your stepdaughters?
Is the SIL a childhood friend of your DH's ex or a relative of hers?
It feels very claustrophobic to me.

I can't get over having a divorced couple as both bridesmaid and best man, especially when they don't get along. Who on earth came up with that idea or do they all live in a tiny hamlet somewhere?

I wouldn't be bothered not to sit with DH as that's normal when he's the best man but surely they could place the ex wife and him at opposite ends of the top table as a compromise?

MartySupremeisascream Me too, I’m assuming that the children are young, flower girls, as Op said they are excited.
I would go if I was OP. I’d whoop whoop for my partner’s speech and give him the biggest kiss after the meal, then I’d dance with him and the flower girls, kiss the bride and leave with my man. 😉