BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

[GotTheBluePeterBadge]

Future SIL is marrying my BIL this year and has asked my husband's ex wife to be a bridesmaid along with my stepdaughters. They have been friends ever since their split after siding with her and refusing to hear my husband's side of the story. My husband and his brother have long had a fraught relationship which improves then devolves with regularity. To be clear, she was abusive during their marriage and even afterwards.

Here is where the AIBU is: his brother has asked him to be the best man, but has said he must sit away from me and our son and sit next to his ex wife at the top table. He didn't react well when my husband pointed out the bad blood from the past and that he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife at the expense of me and our son.

Brother is now accusing my husband of being selfish and making the entire day about himself and that if he truly cared for him he would play "happy families" for him.

AIBU to expect my husband to sit next to me? His brother and future wife haven't been particularly kind nor welcoming to me either so that is colouring my feelings about the situation.

I’m just saying I wonder the woman’s side of the story is given that both the bride and groom side with the woman in the scenario.

Would you be asking for the man’s side if roles were reversed?

Indeed. Was ever thus on here with some posters.

Probably, if there was clear indication that there was more to the story, as there is here.

For the record I voted YANBU I’m just saying that it would be different if there was more to the back story.

Fair enough I’ m just saying when a woman says she has been mistreated we believe her until proof of the contrary I think we should afford the same consideration to men in the spirit of equality.

But the bride looks to be driving an agenda. Using her own wedding. Even if you’re on board with the whole performative farce of wedding venues, bridesmaids and top tables bollocks when people have been together for years, sitting this bridesmaid next to this best man is next level goading. It’s pretty unhealthy to carry that sort of bitterness for years, whatever the original resentments. So her siding with the ex is potentially indicative that they share similar personality traits.

An update on the situation:

Last night my husband got a call from the girls (which is normal as they are with their mother this week) and the first thing they said was "why don't you want to sit next to mummy at Uncle 's wedding?"

So the girls have been told about the issue at hand and it's only possible through BIL or SIL, and then told to them through their mother. Husband absolutely would never talk to the girls about this as they're far too young (11 and 7).

For all the posters questioning whether she is "really" controlling and manipulative - here is a horrible example of the sort of thing she does. The girls didn't need to get dragged into this situation, but they have, because of their mother.

Husband said that "we're all still working out where we're going to sit" and left it at that.

He is fuming that they've brought the girls into it like this. I've told him I'll support him no matter what he chooses and that maybe to have the conversation with his brother when he's calmed down, although I'm not sure how long that might take considering the situation.

Absolutely unacceptable to have dragged the girls into this. I agree with the PP who thought this may be the ex W manipulation the SIL in a "wouldn't it be nice if ..." scenario.

Your poor DH

The daughters are still very young and you already have a child with their father.
That means he left his wife with very very young children and explains why his brother and SIL took her side.

I'm leaning her way myself at this point.
I don't think much of any man who abandons young children.
The abusive partner may be the one you hitched up with.
Watch out for yourself as it could be a pattern of behaviour.

@GotTheBluePeterBadge that is so manipulative. Those poor girls. Your BIL must have very little respect for the welfare of his nieces to allow the discussion to be relayed to them.
Ideally your husband should contact his brother, tell him he is not going to allow his daughters to be used as a pawn in whatever game is being played and withdraw completely from the wedding.
I would be so angry that at a minimum, 3 adults are using 2 young girls in their game playing.
In your case I would have nothing more to do with them .

If they disapproved of his behaviour why is he still in the family as best man but they are taking it out on his new wife though? He’s the one who left his children.

Would you stay in a marriage with an abusive partner ? What good would that do the children ? And why do you think OP’s DH is the abusive one ?

Possibly because he realises that it’s designed to be a snub to OP and their child. Ex gets to sit next to DH and their daughters and play happy families, while OP is sitting alone with their son. They would be sitting apart anyway as DH is best man but this seems to have been planned to make the reception as awkward as possible.

Given the update about his ex needlessly involving their young daughters, it’s my guess that ex has specifically asked to sit next to DH. If - as some posters are suggesting - he was actually the abusive one, why would that be ? And why on earth would the bride and groom try to facilitate that to the point of DH and his brother falling out ? It’s their wedding, and given the history between DH and his ex I would have thought seating them at the same table was risky enough, never mind putting them right next to each other.

There’s something off about this. If OP’s characterisation of ex is accurate, and the request has come from her, l would be questioning her motives, given the potential for trouble.

If he is the abuser, why is the ex cheerfully wanting to sit next to him? I would miss a wedding like this than sit next to my abusive ex.....which oddly enough the OPs DH is considering.

Why is it that you assume that the woman must be the victim? Men get abused too you know. And its people like you that make them not want to open up about it. You should take a long hard look at yourself and your prejudice.

This poster is clearly prejudiced in some way.

As I have said before I have seen the messages, the emails and heard the phone calls. Having been with my husband for some years he has not once done or said anything I could describe as abusive.

Clearly the poster believes that partners should stick around with an abuser because they have children. Personally I think that parents are role models for their children and if you stay with an abusive partner you are laying the foundations for your children to accept the same treatment from their partners.

Men absolutely can be victims too and I hope that people like the poster above realises that in time.

It's right in her playbook as she now has all the control. If my husband agrees, she gets to sit next to him as she wants knowing he was forced to acquiesce to her (I'm now fully convinced that the request came from her now, there is no other explanation). If he disagrees, he will be seen (as he is now) as being selfish and causing drama - making him the bad guy. Not just in BIL and SIL minds but now also in the girls' minds as she involved them at the very first opportunity.

It's the ultimate manipulative win-win situation she loves to create for herself.

And we've learned over the years in trying to deal with her that the winning move is not to play. Husband is still undecided but I think it might come to it that he declines attending.

He shouldn’t go , you shouldn’t go . Don’t play the games. Mumsnet hates step parents , so the people saying DH is the abusive one etc are saying it because of that-don’t rise to it . First wives tend to be revered/ always right etc .

If i was your DH I'd consider either

1. Resigning as best man....being a regular guest.

Why does his brother and sil even want him as best man if threy think he is an evil abuser and a POS who abuses women and the mother of their nieces???

1. He says "do you know what its your big day... fine" then you arrange to have to girls there and then there is an illness/ emergency on the day so he and you dont attend (something really plausible so he is the "victim") this stoops to exs level though.

1. He doesnt attend. I dont love this as it plays into their hands and he is the bad guy with the girls.

If "He doesn't attend. I don't love this as it plays into their hands and he is the bad guy with the girls."

If it wasn't for his DD, and them repeating the line "why won't you sit next to money" I think not attending would work and would be brought up for years to come.

Is there anyone they both trust who could mediate without weighing in?

Would there be any chance of DH talking to BIL again in person in a way where he lays out the options which are still workable but do not involve sitting next to the Ex. And without anger between them could ask BIL why these options don't work. And also find out who requested this...(its the ex) And also try asking BIL how he would feel if DH tried to do something like this to him.

If he's calmly provided a list of options and BIL turns down every one, that would be the stage to ask why BIL is insisting and to offer to withdraw as best man or even the event. But as an offer, not a threat.

If do it for your children is brought up, he could say I am doing it for my children. All my children.

I'm sorry OP this is a really annoying situation for you both

What a load of biased codswallop. You have no idea of the circumstances under which he left his family. OP said his ex was abusive, and that DB and SiL refused to even listen to his side of the story before making their minds up to support his ex. What was he supposed to do - stay in an abusive marriage for the sake of the children, who would then grow up in a toxic atmosphere.

And he hasn’t ‘abandoned’ his children - sounds like shared custody. Sounds to me as though you can’t accept that women can be abusive. Telling OP to watch out for herself is pathetic - do you not think she knows her own husband and the situation they’re in. Just because he’s a man doesn’t automatically make it all his fault.

I'm less inclined to believe the husband because he left two very young children and then very quickly moved on and had another child with his new partner.

The fact that his own brother sides with his ex-wife is very very unusual - men usually back one another up when a marriage goes south.
She's also valued enough by her former BIL and his future wife to be their maid of honour with her young children acting as bridesmaids (or is that flower girls?)

Also, most second wives on MN tend to refer to their DH's ex-wife as abusive so I always take that with a bucket of salt.

Does it? How do we know she wasn't the one who left? Or that he left for his mental health?

Sitting NEXT TO - they want him to sit NEXT TO his ex wife and he doesn't want to sit NEXT TO her. He is happy to sit at the top table but not in the very unusual alignment they have chosen which would put him seated NEXT TO ....

Tradition also dictates best man and maid of honour sit nowhere near each other so...

Having said that, you mention about the layout of the tables. I wonder if they're having a round table? (We did) That might explain them ending up together.

It's still stinks mind.

What does your DH want to do? Surely its up to him if its his db and his ex? If anyone is insisting anything its your dh surely?