BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

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Future SIL is marrying my BIL this year and has asked my husband's ex wife to be a bridesmaid along with my stepdaughters. They have been friends ever since their split after siding with her and refusing to hear my husband's side of the story. My husband and his brother have long had a fraught relationship which improves then devolves with regularity. To be clear, she was abusive during their marriage and even afterwards.

Here is where the AIBU is: his brother has asked him to be the best man, but has said he must sit away from me and our son and sit next to his ex wife at the top table. He didn't react well when my husband pointed out the bad blood from the past and that he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife at the expense of me and our son.

Brother is now accusing my husband of being selfish and making the entire day about himself and that if he truly cared for him he would play "happy families" for him.

AIBU to expect my husband to sit next to me? His brother and future wife haven't been particularly kind nor welcoming to me either so that is colouring my feelings about the situation.

Absolutely this as well, but he has been dealing with this for many years even prior to their divorce.
The real pain for my husband is that his own brother is unwilling to hear his side on what happened.

No way I would be going if DH was uncomfortable, and I agree this would be very different if he had been abusive.

However, this post makes me hesitant. If your DH wants to be there and wants her not to be perhaps it’s time the emails were shared

I’d also be asking my brother what is his reason for him wanting to sit with my ex wife, how would he feel if your DH got married and asked him to sit with an ex?! Very shitty to expect this … bizarre and a bit controlling of everyone involved that expects your DH and you to be made to feel u comfortable at a family members wedding

I would hope it would be for a positive reason such as point 2! Unfortunately at this point it's just simply baffling. It's not my drama so I won't be questioning them on their reasoning.

Firstly, I think I will go with supporting my husband in his decision regardless of what that is. Secondly, I will consider whether or not attending will cause drama. If not attending will just put more pressure on my husband and create another situation to deal with I will grin and bear it. Cooler heads prevail and all that.

He should not attend.

I know it is not your decision to make but I wouldn't want to be best man to someone that clearly disliked me so much. I'd imagine your BIL must be quite unpleasant as he has noone else but your DH that he clearly dislikes to ask. I'd work on helping your DH build his self esteem so he can cut these people out of his life.

Best man and bridesmaids are usually at the top table. Cant he just be grown up about it for the time the meal will take. Its not as if its the entire duration of the wedding day.

If he chooses not to, it will upset my stepdaughters as its a family wedding and they are excited to have everyone there (including me - we have a good relationship).

It’s a Mumsnet trope that the first wife was abusive when the OP is the second wife (and vice versa) so a pinch of salt is recommended.

Seems like BIL/SIL are being intentionally awkward. Generally best man sits next to groom and bridesmaids next to bride at top table so no need for them to be sited next to each other.

That would be fine- you and your son would be separate from DH at meal but that’s normal when one person involved in wedding party.
I’d say BiL should respect his brother’s feelings and rearrange whatever seating order they have, not difficult. If I was DH and his brother’s not prepared to do that I’d be questioning if I wanted to be his best man

So your husband's daughters are bridesmaids too - right? He should tell his brother that he is happy to sit between his two daughters. If BIL insists he sits next to his ex wife instead of that then bil is clearly shit-stirring and trying to create a miserable situation for your dh. I'd say that to him if I were your dh - ask him why he wants to create tension at his own wedding?

If DH does still go he should nip into the room before the meal and switch around the nametags so he is sitting between his daughters.

BIL and SIL are not his friends.

If your dh does suck it up and go and sit next to the ex just remember - he gets to make a speech :)

This with bells on. It’s quite common for the best man to sit away from their partner so I’d remove that issue from it.

There’s none here either.

but at family events people frequently have to attend with abusive partners. If your children were getting married for example, you probably wouldn’t refuse to attend because your abusive ex husband was there (unless her presented a current threat of course)

Tbh, how often do we read new partners posting that their partner’s ex is crazy/abusive - usually a tale spun by the partner to make him look like the good guy and the ex look like the unhinged one. If she was genuinely abusive, then your point is valid, but I’m a bit sceptical of these stories about crazy exes.

Youre making the whole thing about you, why is it at your "expense" if he sits there?

I’m all for playing happy families normally but on this occasion I wouldn’t be going as it seems that BIL & SIL are doing this to humiliate you . Let DH make his own mind up about sitting next to the ex but you don’t have to be there to witness it .

This. My relationship with them would be over.

I don’t get why he has to sit next to her? Surely they can seat him on the opposite end of the top table if they insist on having them both as part of the wedding

I've seen the emails and messages and heard the phone calls - he's not making it up.

So basically women aren’t capable of being abusive, only men ? Would you automatically assume a woman posting to say her ex was abusive is spinning a tale to make herself look like the good guy ? OP hasn’t used the term crazy or unhinged. The word she used was abusive. It’s not exclusive to men.

This- the only thing that shifts me into having my empathy for DHs dilemma is that his daughters are the wedding party. It would be a really shame for him to miss seeing them play that role.

The best man sits at the top table.
He cannot really take on the task without sitting there, he’ll have to tell his brother that he cannot commit or he can suck it up.
There is always three sides to a story/break-up.

I might be way off the mark here but I am imagining that DH, exW, BIl & SIL were probably part of an original friendship group- maybe from a young age in a small area or small community and everyone is in everyone’s business.

So they haven’t broken the 30 odd year friendships “just” because the marriage has broken down.

It’s one thing being asked to attend a wedding with an abusive ex. It’s quite another to be asked to sit next to them. If a woman had been subjected to domestic abuse at the hands of an ex would you really expect them to willingly sit next to them just to keep the peace. If not, then why is a man any different ?

Exactly. It sounds like they are using their wedding, in part, to goad you and your husband and undermine your relationship