BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

[GotTheBluePeterBadge]

Future SIL is marrying my BIL this year and has asked my husband's ex wife to be a bridesmaid along with my stepdaughters. They have been friends ever since their split after siding with her and refusing to hear my husband's side of the story. My husband and his brother have long had a fraught relationship which improves then devolves with regularity. To be clear, she was abusive during their marriage and even afterwards.

Here is where the AIBU is: his brother has asked him to be the best man, but has said he must sit away from me and our son and sit next to his ex wife at the top table. He didn't react well when my husband pointed out the bad blood from the past and that he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife at the expense of me and our son.

Brother is now accusing my husband of being selfish and making the entire day about himself and that if he truly cared for him he would play "happy families" for him.

AIBU to expect my husband to sit next to me? His brother and future wife haven't been particularly kind nor welcoming to me either so that is colouring my feelings about the situation.

The SIL became friends with the ex to spite OP and her husband.

I wouldn’t even attend this wedding if I was the DH.

They're not really "differences" though?

BIL and SIL are prioritising an extremely abusive ex over you, his wife.
And both are refusing to believe or acknowledge the abuse that he went through.

Yet he's supporting this marriage because "tradition"?

The wildest part of this story is them inviting the abusive ex to be a BRIDESMAID - who on earth does that?? They sound nuts. I wouldn't go. They clearly don't value their relationship with DH or with you.

OP can you confirm if this is the case, or they knew each other years before and SIL took her friends side. I’d imagine they probably socialised as a foursome depending upon how long BIL is with his partner are together.

Anyone else think the ex, reportedly manipulative and controlling, has engineered this to raise her profile with bride and groom, knowing that it is something your DH would absolutely hate.

Ex." I think it would be a great idea of former DH and I sit next to each other at your wedding."
BIL and SIL: "Oh what a kind and forgiving gesture.... are you sure you would be OK with that
Ex: It will be difficult for me but I think our DD would love it and I'd do anything to promote family unity on your big day.

She gets the credit both ways.

1. if your DH agrees to sit through it - no credit to him because they know he would never suggest it himself, and he has to sit though it in public probably looking miserable
2. If your DH objects - Even discussing his objections creates an issue on both sides. Every subsequent step edges your DH further out of Robert De Niro's "circle of Trust" and raises her profile "Well at least we tried but he wouldn't meet us half way."

This is only speculation of course and I've probably been watching too many Netflix thrillers and am looking at this with a jaundiced eye. It depends how controlling and manipulative she is. However, if she is as controlling and manipulative as that - once your DH is no longer around, she will find someone else to practice on, so they may wake up to it eventually.

Assuming any of that is the case.. it appears to be a no win situation for your DH ATM...unless anyone has ideas on how to effectively thwart manipulative people once they are embedded, he may as well pick the path that personally suits him best, regardless of the ex and refuse to be affected by her game.

If she has set this up and its not just the BILs or SILs idea, then I would forgive them (a bit) because they may have been manipulated too. They may think they are doing the right thing and perhaps its a case of not seeing the wood for the trees. Your DH won't know their motive until he is able to have a proper discussion with them and also has a chance to put his own case and find a suitable alternative, there's been some reasonable suggestions on this thread. It also depends how willing the BIL and SIL are to be flexible once they've heard him out.

I would discount the emotional blackmail of it would make the DD happy. They probably spot at once that its only "playing happy families" and might actually be on edge that someone might kick off. They would be just as happy knowing that their parents agreed to be civil and polite and not cause a scene on the day.. and sitting apart would greatly facilitate that!

In any case, unless someone points it out to them, how many weddings will they have been too? they probably won't even think about seating arrangements if your DH sits with his wife and son. I did'n't know this top table seating thing was a hard and fast rule. Its not been entered in the law books has it?

Anyone else think the ex, reportedly manipulative and controlling, has engineered this to raise her profile with bride and groom, knowing that it is something your DH would absolutely hate.

I could believe that.

Same. My husband's ex was a master at this kind of thing.

inserts the obligatory "I wasn't the OW"

She had everyone told that she and her Affair Partner were going away on holiday 3 days before our wedding in order to avoid the pain of it all. (The kids combined a visit to their mum with their attendance at our wedding. The son was the Best Man.)

She'd booked them both into the sister hotel of our honeymoon hotel. (The brochure emphasised that guests at our hotel were allowed the use of the facilities at the sister hotel.) Fortunately, she didn't realise that while the brochure showed our 4 star as being in the same town as her 5 star, we were actually in a village just outside the town.

Must have cost her a fortune and we didn't see them once.

[ETA Even I had felt sorry for her. Ha!]

I actually hadn't thought of that. She projects a "butter wouldn't melt" persona at all times. She may very well have been the one to suggest it, although I doubt we will ever know for sure.

I'm not sure of exact timings but they were friends while my husband and ex wife were married, not before.

I’d leave it up to him but if he said he didn’t want to go at all I’d agree with him

he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife at the expense of me and our son.

Why is him sitting at the top table (as traditionally expected) at the expense of you and your child? 🙄

Could your husband stand down as best man and just say he will be there as a regular guest instead so he gets to sit with you and your son, thus 'playing happy families' but with his actual family not his ex and then your stepdaughters are not let down either. I think it is very strange they asked his ex to be a bridesmaid, it reeks of shit stirring. If your brothers husband had any respect for your husband none of this would be an issue or a question. Tradition or not your husband does not have to attend any situation that puts his own family second.

I’m so confused about people on here wanting to hear the ex’s side of the story. What would that possibly share which would explain wanting to insist on sitting next to someone who you are no longer married to , even if you got along well??

It's your DH's call:

1. He can suck it up for his brother's sake (probably the best option)
2. He can opt out of being best man and go as a guest (tricky to pull off)
3. He can choose not to go at all (not nice for his brother or daughters who are bridesmaids)

Hmmm if I were him I would consider agreeing to sit next to her and then making the most of the best man's speech to get revenge! Maybe talking about the beauty and joys of a loving marriage and singling you out as part of that... and maybe a reference to the perils of marriage and not so subtley indicating to ex...
And then holding your bum all night on the dance floor. If you're into that kind if thing.

It sounds like it's only a matter of time before DH and BISs relationship goes to shit again so he may as well have some fun with it!

This.

You say My husband and his brother have long had a fraught relationship so why would a) his brother ask him and b) your dh accept ?

I know you've said
Because tradition dictates that your brother is your best man. And despite their differences, my husband still very much loves his brother

But that's just not true. The best man should be the man that the groom is closest too. Quite often that will be a brother, but equally, very often is isn't.

Plus, As per the lovely picture posted earlier, the Best man and bridesmaid sit at opposite ends of the table, if tradition is so important to the couple.

Because if the Ex’s side of the story is something else entirely then the alternative AIBU could be something like this:

”I’ve been asked to be maid of honour for my best friend’s wedding. We’re very close and known each other for years. Problem is my ex husband is the groom’s brother and has been asked to be best man. He and his new wife are putting up a big fuss about this and ex is refusing to sit at the top table instead of with his wife. He’s saying that he doesn’t want to be in any photos with me.

For context, our marriage didn’t end well. It became extremely toxic and we were both at each other’s throats. He constantly gaslighted me and called me manipulative and controlling despite behaving like an utter shit to me. Both bride and groom recognise this and have been amazingly supportive to me, despite them being related to ex.

I know this is not an ideal situation but I willing to suck it up for the happy couple.

I just feel like Ex is making the wedding all about himself. It’s not their wedding photos and not their wedding. They’ve just made an already awkward situation even more tense for the happy couple and I’m worried that it’s going to put an edge on the big day.

AIBU that they should just suck it up for one day?”

BTW I wouldn’t be wondering this except that OP has already indicated that both the groom and the bride seem to believe ex’s version of events which you have to wonder about. Also is it really so unbelievable that someone who wants to make the wedding all about themselves could be faultless?

It kind of goes directly to the question of whether OP is being unreasonable.

It’s not quite right though is it? You missed the important nuance that the only reason she knows the bride is because her ex is the groom’s brother. And the issue is that he’s been told he’s sitting right next to her apparently, which is non-traditional even within the traditional top table format. So that looks a bit goady to say the least.

Like I said before - I have seen the emails, the messages and heard the phone calls. She is controlling and manipulative.

In contrast, me and my husband have been married for years and not once has he done or said anything I could describe as abusive.

All of this.

Indeed

I didn’t miss that nuance. I’m not sure why it’s relevant how she met the bride if they are now close friends. It sounds like she’s closer to the bride than the groom is to his brother anyway.

All I’m saying is the fact that both the bride and groom side with the Ex feels like there’s more of a backstory.

OP’s DH could just not be best man if he has an issue with it but I can see why the groom would be upset by that. I would probably just suck it up for the sake of the couple. Obviously if the abuse was significant that would be a different story.

If it was a woman saying she’d been abused by her ex and showing her new DH mails and other proof of it would you doubt her?

The sister of a friend of mine was getting married and they wanted to invite her abusive ex husband, the same ex husband that had beaten not only her but their daughter too. It was batshit, their reasoning...he hadn't done anything to them

Safe to say my friend just said it's me or him, they thought she was being difficult but he wasn't invited. Can't imagine doing something like that to your own sibling

Just support your husband OP, it's all you can do