BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

[GotTheBluePeterBadge]

Future SIL is marrying my BIL this year and has asked my husband's ex wife to be a bridesmaid along with my stepdaughters. They have been friends ever since their split after siding with her and refusing to hear my husband's side of the story. My husband and his brother have long had a fraught relationship which improves then devolves with regularity. To be clear, she was abusive during their marriage and even afterwards.

Here is where the AIBU is: his brother has asked him to be the best man, but has said he must sit away from me and our son and sit next to his ex wife at the top table. He didn't react well when my husband pointed out the bad blood from the past and that he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife at the expense of me and our son.

Brother is now accusing my husband of being selfish and making the entire day about himself and that if he truly cared for him he would play "happy families" for him.

AIBU to expect my husband to sit next to me? His brother and future wife haven't been particularly kind nor welcoming to me either so that is colouring my feelings about the situation.

It's called common sense and is related to an observed pattern of behaviour over time.

Exceptions do not make the rule - they confirm it.

So you are making an assumption then?

Like everyone here I'm making a judgement based on what information has been shared but I'm also using logic:

OP said that the ex-wife was abusive = possibly true but men tend to say this about their first wife when they run off with another (usually but not always younger) woman and especially when they leave very young children behind.
They have to - to defend abandoning their own children.

OP said that the husband's own brother and his future bride sided with his ex-wife - mind-boggling if SHE is the abusive one

OP said that the daughters were bridesmaids - possibly true but now we know they're only 7 and 11 so more likely to be flower girls (but as you say anything is possible)

OP said her relationship started after he left his wife but she already has a child with him so that was pretty fast going and I've never heard a woman admit she was a cheating husband's bit on the side. I have a sister who will deny this for the rest of her life but we all know the truth and just stay schtum.

So, in summary - I tend to believe the ex-wife and the DH's brother and the DH's SIL rather than the DH in this particular case.

I could still be wrong but my advice is based on my life experience not yours.

We also know the brother and DH have had a long-time fractious relationship and the brother won't hear DH's story. And yet the brother and his soon-to-be wife do want the DH to be Best Man. And insist he sit with his ex wife.

That's a strange conglomeration of events.

The whole thing sounds implausible but we only have the second's wife representation and I don't believe her at this point.

@MartySupremeisascream OP said that the daughters were bridesmaids - possibly true but now we know they're only 7 and 11 so more likely to be flower girls (but as you say anything is possible)

Different people, different experiences. I've never been to a wedding with 'flower girls', they've always been bridesmaids. I was a bridesmaid myself at the age of 2 back in the 60s! I would have probably eaten any flowers at that age tbh

I think that we had the Best Man and Matron of Honour sitting next to one another at our top table - I possibly hadn't checked up on traditional arrangements.

Thanks everyone for the advice. Husband isn't going to sit next to his ex wife and will be sitting on the opposite side. He had a discussion with his brother and they compromised.

For all the people disbelieving me, that's your perogative. I'm not lying and only came here to see what to do about a difficult situation.

Yeah, that’s pretty evident in your previous posts. You don’t believe her because basically you don’t believe a woman can be abusive. Just men. Why is that ?

So basically you’re projecting your own experience and disbelieving anything OP says based on that ? Why are you still posting because at this point you’re really not contributing anything other than to pull apart anything OP says ?

No. The poster is projecting her own experience to pick holes in everything OP says. The premise of advising any OP depends on the willingness of posters to accept that what they say is fact. Otherwise there really is no point to MN at all.

Not quite sure what you’re saying here. What level of abuse is not significant ? Abuse is abuse. That’s what we tell women - why are men any different ? And clearly the abuse is ‘significant’ if it’s enough to spark this conflict.

I wouldn't worry about the disbelievers, it's amazing how you never see the "two sides to every story/I'd love to hear their version of events" posters crop up when it's a mans abusive behavior being called out.

Exactly this.

Can I ask you something ? Given that there are very few details about the nature of the abuse, because OP, understandably doesn’t want it to be too outing, why is every option you suggest to the advantage of the brother, and appearing to be painting DH as the bad guy if he doesn’t attend ?

If a woman had been abused at the hands of her ex, and asked to attend a wedding in the same circumstances would you make the same suggestions as above ? If so, why ? In every post you’ve made it pretty clear that you don’t think women are capable of being abusive. Why ? You’ve been asked this a few times but you haven’t responded. Why’s is that ?

This is just doubling down on your bias.

More codswallop. No-one here would counsel a woman to stay within an abusive relationship for the sake of their children. Yet you are doubling down on this viewpoint by suggesting that he abandoned his children, when, if you actually attempt to overcome your bias for long enough to understand what OP is saying, you’d realise that wasn’t the case. Staying in a toxic relationship is rarely good for the children involved. The fact that he is actively involved with his children and has shared custody belies everything you’re saying here.

Only after I'd been married to my husband for some years did some of their mutual friends admit that they'd witnessed his ex's abusive behaviour. Her narrative had been that DH had run off with a younger woman and that her boyfriend was merely a work colleague with whom she'd gradually become close.

In actual fact, she'd become close with a younger work colleague, culminating in the pair of them sharing a room during a work team-bonding trip.

My husband's adult children had no idea since they were grown and away from home when it happened.

In public, the ex had sniped at DH at any opportunity. This had been passed off as his ex's 'sense of humour'.

Interestingly to me, the only people who knew the truth were those who'd known both my DH and his ex since childhood - apparently she even had form for sniping at people when she was a pupil.

She was a master at making bitchy remarks in public.

One time, DH and I were invited to a friend's landmark birthday. The venue was the church hall of the village where DH had grown up.

When I walked in the room, to my consternation the ex and her BF were there. [Of possible note: the ex was used seeing me overweight and dressed in dull colours. I'd lost 4 stones and was wearing a really nice outfit for the first time in my adult life.]

My husband moved away from me to speak to an old friend. Just then, the ex pounced on me. Somehow, she'd assembled an audience of village matrons as she intoned: "My, Weary, what a lovely outfit! What a lovely colour! Mind you, you can wear it being so YOUNG!"

I said "Thank you," and she swept away.

I'm sure that those watching would have thought her behaviour fine - there's no way that they would have known that her partner was a younger affair partner or that she'd swindled DH over the finances or that, just after the two year separation period was over, she'd tried to talk my husband into going "back home". (I often wonder whether her boyfriend knew about that.)

My point is that it's quite plausible to me that @GotTheBluePeterBadge 's BIL might have no idea about the ex's true behaviour.

@GotTheBluePeterBadge
So glad that your DH and BIL got together and made an agreement, hope it all goes smoothly on the day.
Plus when the wedding fever has died down there's no further excuse for similar nonsense.

If she was abused why would she want to sit next to him? The DH in this situation says he was abused why should we not believe him? Even if he had an affair (and I’m not saying he did )
If a woman came on here saying they were going through hell with an abusive partner and had met someone else that was giving them the strength to leave that partner would you object?