BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

[GotTheBluePeterBadge]

Future SIL is marrying my BIL this year and has asked my husband's ex wife to be a bridesmaid along with my stepdaughters. They have been friends ever since their split after siding with her and refusing to hear my husband's side of the story. My husband and his brother have long had a fraught relationship which improves then devolves with regularity. To be clear, she was abusive during their marriage and even afterwards.

Here is where the AIBU is: his brother has asked him to be the best man, but has said he must sit away from me and our son and sit next to his ex wife at the top table. He didn't react well when my husband pointed out the bad blood from the past and that he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife at the expense of me and our son.

Brother is now accusing my husband of being selfish and making the entire day about himself and that if he truly cared for him he would play "happy families" for him.

AIBU to expect my husband to sit next to me? His brother and future wife haven't been particularly kind nor welcoming to me either so that is colouring my feelings about the situation.

What do you mean?

BIl & SIL can invite whoever they want to their wedding, and put them at the top table. OP (or her DH) have no influence over that

Traditionally bridesmaid and best man would be nowhere near each other.

As for the OP, I wouldn't be attending the wedding of someone who doesn't even like me.

He should go on his own, or decline being best man and be a regular guest and sit with you.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable if your husband doesn’t want to sit right next to his ex, and I can see why that doesn’t sit right with you either. Could it not just be rearranged slightly so they’re on the same table but not side by side to avoid any drama? At the end of the day, regardless of their history, they both have relationships with the bride and groom and deserve to be on the top table. Weddings are hard to seat and moving someone else could cause more upset. The bride and groom can’t please everyone, and it wouldn’t be fair to not attend over seating. It should really be between your husband and his brother — sadly it shouldn’t be about you being separated, it’s for him to fight his own corner that he doesn’t want to sit next to his ex-wife.

Normal for DH to be on top table (as he is best man) rather than with you and DS. No reason for him to be next to his ex though.

Yes they can. Their wedding their choice but also their choice has consequences.

But they would then have to realise that such a suggestion to a victim of abuse may lead to the best man having to step down or not attend at all too.

I mean that if an abusive ex husband was invited to the wedding and his formally abused ex wife was expected to sit beside him and happy families - people would be appalled.

No hand wringing would be needed, no expectation that she should go and get on with it etc.

I read all responses posted

I'd stay out of it OP and let the brothers sort it out amongst themselves.

This.

The top table isn't too bad if they're not forced to sit together - but the first dance with the MOH dancing with the BM (if tradition is followed) would certainly be problematic, I should imagine.

Why is your DH best man, if the couple sided with the ex-wife in the divorce and don’t believe she was abusive (or do believe and don’t care)? That would make my relationship with the sibling incredibly strained, certainly not “best man” level of closeness.

Could your DH just sit at the table..eat his meal..do speeches and largely ignore her until it's time to mix and then he can come and sit with you

Second this!

It’s his call. Duty to brother vs avoiding abusive ex. You and son don’t come into it, for this day only, I’m afraid!

No cheating. Ex wife was (still is - I've seen the emails) controlling and emotionally abusive since the beginning of their marriage.

It's up to the bride and groom who they invite and where they're seated. It's up to you and your DH if you choose to go given the circumstances. BIL can be upset with your DH if he wants to, that's his problem?

Thank you for clarification OP and apologies.

It seems very odd then that SIL has really taken the ex side given the circumstances. Surely DH has spoken to his brother about this ? I think given that it is clear that DH can't take the best man role if SIL wants to have the ex as bridesmaid. Simple as that.

He has said he doesn't want to pretend and be captured in photos next to her as if the past never happened.

I have no intention of deciding what my husband should do on his behalf, just trying to gage what is acceptable in this situation.

For me personally it has shown I absolutely will not jump the ocean for a couple who wouldn't jump a puddle for me. So they are very much deprioritised as far as I'm concerned.

Can your husband bow out of being the best man and just attend the wedding as a guest (assuming he wants to attend and/or thinks he should attend)? Ex will still be there but he won't be forced to interact with her much. That seems like the most reasonable compromise.

I wouldn’t go.

It's really a shame that it might come to this. I suspect they believe her version of the story because it is something to use and hold against my husband when him and his brother argue. I've never asked and doubt even if I did I would get a truthful answer.

YABU to expect DH to sit next to you and your DC - many best men etc are seated at a different table.

But YANBU to be upset on his behalf and I would be so angry at BIL and SIL.

Is he afraid of her?
Can he bite his tongue around her?

My first thought was for him to refuse to go but actually I think he needs to go and sit right next to her and show her that she has not won.

So many abusers enjoy the fact their ex’s are weak and shadows of their former selves.
If I was DH I would be showing that I am the exact opposite.

Is she single?
If so him arriving and leaving with you will hit her where it hurts.

If I was him I’d be spending every day working out and looking and feeling my best so she can be even more jealous.

If she's abusive and controlling, she probably got her narrative out first.

That’s very true.

Many abusers are very good at playing victim and getting people on side.

They are very manipulative.

Voted unreasonable as i dont think he should sit next to you as traditionally the best man sits at the top table. BUT they dont have to seat him next to ex and could juggle it about!