BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

[GotTheBluePeterBadge]

Future SIL is marrying my BIL this year and has asked my husband's ex wife to be a bridesmaid along with my stepdaughters. They have been friends ever since their split after siding with her and refusing to hear my husband's side of the story. My husband and his brother have long had a fraught relationship which improves then devolves with regularity. To be clear, she was abusive during their marriage and even afterwards.

Here is where the AIBU is: his brother has asked him to be the best man, but has said he must sit away from me and our son and sit next to his ex wife at the top table. He didn't react well when my husband pointed out the bad blood from the past and that he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife at the expense of me and our son.

Brother is now accusing my husband of being selfish and making the entire day about himself and that if he truly cared for him he would play "happy families" for him.

AIBU to expect my husband to sit next to me? His brother and future wife haven't been particularly kind nor welcoming to me either so that is colouring my feelings about the situation.

If you think this is true you’re well out of touch with societal attitudes towards abusive men. It is extremely common for women to be disbelieved even after the abuse has become lethal.

OP I’d be reminding your husband it’s ok to stay away. He might need support to feel it’s ok not to be involved when they’ve clearly prioritised someone who has harmed him.

BIL is batshit. He's being ridiculous - I'd be tempted not to go as it sounds absolutely ghastly.

When you say next to her at the top table, do you mean literally beside her? Because it's generally the bride and groom in the centre, and then the groomsmen beside him and bridesmaids beside her, so he will actually be next to his brother and the ex will be on the other side of the married couple? I think it's an odd choice of them, asking him to be best man and the ex MOH. The two roles do require some interaction, so I guess the question is does he actually want to be best man? Maybe he can go as a regular guest (if he does want to attend) and sit with you. I don't think he can be best man and not sit at the top table. The question is more about the relationship as brothers, it's obviously horrible for him for his brother to be on ex's side when he feels abused by her. Were the ex and SIL already friends?

A traditional top table would have best man and chief bridesmaid at opposite ends, with bride, groom and both sets of parents in between. Other bridesmaids, ushers etc usually at other tables. Of course the bride and groom can decide a different arrangement but it's entirely up to your DH to say he won't sit beside his ex, or decline to be best man. I don't think it's reasonable for him to insist he sits beside you.

would there be a problem with this set up if she was just an ex wife and not an abusive ex wife?

If the wife was abusive, I’m a bit surprised he is willing to go to the wedding at all. Or is a scenario like many of us face where we never forget, but we move on.

ColcColdColder
yes op is family but I think this does need to be sorted between that section of the family

Yes, literally next to each other. It's something about the way the tables are in the venue they picked. I haven't seen the table plan so I have no idea how true this is.

If she wasn't abusive this wouldn't be an issue.

Ultimately this is their wedding and their choice, but forcing this for the sake of photos and optics feels very disrespectful and purposeful.

I had a chat with my husband about it and hes going to try to have a calm discussion with his brother as soon as he can.

Just to reiterate, I wouldn't have any problem being seated away from the top table as I'm not a bridesmaid and I have my son as well.

Because tradition dictates that your brother is your best man. And despite their differences, my husband still very much loves his brother.

Yeah I don't buy that. As someone else said earlier, I smell a rat. This is the joining of 2 families. If they are going family-based, take DH as best man and find another MOH. If the MOH means that much to her, find another best man.

It defies belief that they expect these 2 to be partnered up in the bridal party. Are BIL and new SIL trying to prove their love is so overwhelming, it neutralises all the bad karma from DH and ex? Even if they 'don't believe his story' about her being abusive, they are just plain inviting bad feelings or bad actions by doing this.

Your BIL and SIL are deliberately seating your husband and his ex together, traditionally they wouldn't be sat together!! So therefore it's been done deliberately, there's no reason why they need to be.

That's how it reads to me too. They have gone to a lot of trouble to get these 2 exes to sit side by side. The smell of rat is very strong.

They could easily arrange this for them not to be sat beside each other. Traditionally on any table layout they would be sat at opposite sides of the table from each other so this is an intentional choice on sil/bils part to seat them right beside each other which just seems very odd given the history there irregardless of whether they believe she was abusive or not.

Wow, what a bizarre family dynamic. This is only tricky because BIL and SIL have seemingly taken his ex’s side since the separation. Guessing she spun them a convincing tale and they bought into that more than his own brother’s side. It makes total sense to have your stepdaughters as bridesmaids but choosing his ex as one is insane when she not only abused him but he’s also remarried.

I assume that your DH would be just as unwilling to sit next to his abusive ex if he was attending solo and you and your DC were staying at hom

If so then it's not about "at the expense of you and your son" and he shouldn't be emphasising that.

He is not "making it about him" but about him having reasonable boundaries pf self-respect and dignity which require him to protect himself from situations of emotional abuse. If his brother can't respect that then it's best for DH not to attend the wedding.

It's fine for BIL to want to maintain positive relationships with both his brother and his wife's best friend. However if there is acrimony between them a decent person helps to facilitate keeping a distance between them, not seating them together

I’m baffled why everyone is so hung up on the seating plan.

in the event I had an abusive ex and my sibbling was not only dismissive of the abuse I’d suffered and my feelings, but totally refused to engage with me regarding my experience, to the extent they expected me to sit next to my abuser at an event I would not still be in contact with my sibling never mind attending the event or worrying about where to sit

It's fine for BIL to want to maintain positive relationships with both his brother and his wife's best friend

@CactusSwoonedEndingi disagree.

it’s not fine to maintain a positive relationship with an abuser. It’s definitely not fine when you are a friend or a relative of the victim.

If this were a woman being made to sit next to her abusive ex husband, I would say absolutely not happening. She won’t attend if that’s the case. I actually say the same thing about your husband too. He has to talk to his brother, if he doesn’t listen then he shouldn’t attend.

What’s the background? It’s all a bit vague. What form does her abuse take? What’s her story? What’s his?

Oh absolutely they have already. Even if they choose to straighten this mess out we will forever have the memories that this was their original intention.

Totally agree. Husband wants a civil and calm conversation as well.

Controlling and manipulative. It's hard to explain without specific and identifiable examples, so I will leave it at that.

I'd recommend he frames it carefully to his brother. Sort of..
I love you and want to support you.
I also have very challenging past with my ex and I do not want to interact with her any more than is necessary.

Of course I am prepared to put that to one side for your special day but I also ask that you dont force us together unnecessarily. So I cant sit next to her. I will sit next to anyone else you choose but not her. Thank you for respecting my wishes on this

I find it odd and fascinating that the Top Table still features so prominently in a world where tradition and etiquette count for less and less, are often derided in fact, and where complicated family structures are commonplace, often including the situation of the bride and groom. It’s so simple to come up with an arrangement that doesn’t create stress and discomfort for your guests and I don’t understand why anyone would risk creating an opportunity for a problem at their own wedding.

I think in cases where the bride and groom are so gauche or selfish as to cause an awkward situation, the best response is to rise above it, but obviously that depends on the extent of the issue. This case seems deliberately provocative given the exact seating plan has been discussed, the obvious made up thing about the tables in the venue etc. so I’d push back.

I agree. I would like to hear the Ex’s side of the story.

Even if there is no cheating, it is very easy for men to write women off as crazy and controlling. There’s a huge difference between being abusive and acting out of anger and frustration in a mutually toxic relationship.

If the split was more balanced that your post suggests I think YABU. If you’re husband has a problem with it then it’s up to him to decide to step down.

Why are you attending in that case? Just pull out.

Ultimately your husband has to stand up and say no here.