Leave now or after baby

[Biscofflatte]

Hi I know I’m probably going to flagged for this.

Ive just started IVF this week, my partner and I are both 40. No children. Engaged. Together 11 years.

He hasn’t been very supportive and is completely bone idle around the house. I’ve realised today that I no longer want to be with him. He doesn’t take into account my wellbeing and doesn’t seem to care about me.

i want a child. If we broke up now I wouldn’t want another relationship so wouldn’t be able
to have a baby. I wouldn’t want to even go near another man.

do I continue with the ivf have the baby then when the time is right leave him? Or leave now and cancel the ivf/give up the dream.

Leave now and use a donor instead.

I would have the baby with him. He may be lazy but doesn't mean he wouldn't step up as a dad. A sperm donor would mean your child grows up with out a dad which is worse.

I'd say that's the right call. It wouldn't be right to bring an innocent baby into this mess if you're planning on leaving and don't love him anymore. Also if he is bone idle and lazy then he absolutely will be a shit dad and it would be like having 2 kids to look after, so he definitely is not the right person to be having a baby with.

If you really wanted a baby you could always try IVF using a donor once you are settled.

He doesn’t sound particularly invested in your relationship to be honest. Having IVF is an immense journey from what I understand and surely a couple should be supportive in every way.

Personally, I’d be inclined to leave now and try a sperm donor or alternatively have you considered adoption?

Leave. Do not be tied to someone for 18 years that will possibly be a shit father and ex partner. I would consider adoption personally.

Am sorry, a donor for sure. If he's not a good man to be with, why would you want to be linked to him through the child, til the end of your days? Unless you are doing it because you want his financial support? Start fresh, new beginning, new opportunity and you'll be in control.

Sometimes it helps to make a choice when you put it in black and white.

Well done you for realising what you want. Best of luck for the future

What do you think he’d be like as a Dad? Do you think you could have an amicable co parenting relationship with him? Are you ok with being tied to him for life even if you split up?

If yes I would stay because you know your potential baby will have a relationship with their Dad whether you’re together or not.

If you go down the donor sperm route with an anonymous donor you’re knowingly making yourself a single parent with no support, and one day you’re going to have to explain to your child why their Dad isn’t part of their life.

The OP's post isn't about looking for 'a quick fix' when struggling to conceive.

I know. Look at the post I actually quoted.

That's a sign darling.
You're not supposed to have a child with this man. I realise that sounds awful and I apologise as my intention isn't to be rude or, pah there!, type thing.
But my instinct is telling me that the reason things keep happening is because the universe is telling you, it's not right.
I miscarried when I was with my ex and as horrendous as it was at the time, it happened so I would never have to have him in my life again after all, he's an ex for a reason.
Please have a hard think about it x

It is your child who will suffer the most from having a shit dad. And a dad who 'loves' their child (and the children loves them) but does the bare minimum for them IS a shit dad despite what other people might have you believe. 'Love' isnt enough. You have a responsibility to not set your child up with a shit dad, sorry. You need to decide if your desire for a baby is more important than your child's right to a decent father.

Id continue the IVF, it sounds likely it really could be your last chance. Use the pregnancy time to try and whip him into shape and reconnect as a couple? At least then you know you've tried, there's a chance he could realise he needs.to step up because he's going to be a dad and you could see what you loved about him when the resentment of him being useless fades away?

In my personal experience a shit dad but a great mum is fine/good! If she was 30 I'd be more inclined to agree but there's a chance he could step up and people can have a great partner who becomes a shit dad in the end anyway.

Another vote for leave and do it alone with a sperm donor.

yes but what happens if something happens to the OP when child is still young? nobody there to take care of it.... Bit of a selfish and unthinking thing to do imo

But is it morally the right thing to do, to knowingly give a child a shit father they might have to deal with for 50 years, because you want a baby? Its one thing a man turning shit after you get pregnant, but to knowingly put your want for a baby, over an innocent child's need for good parental influences? A lot of shit dads simply fuck off, which causes its own hurt but is arguably better for the child, but a lot continue to let their child down over a lifetime and I've seen what damage that can do to people over their whole lives. A great mum isnt always enough to outweigh a shit dad. Happy to agree to disagree here though.

Leave. It's not fair on the potential baby or on him to trick him into this knowing you're going to leave.

I'm guessing you know him then? Can you tell us more about his personality so we can make a more nuanced decision?

Have the baby then leave him, sounds like he's feeling the same way. When a man wants to keep you he will treat you well because he wants you to stay. Do keep in mind that a child with this man is going to bond you forever and raising a child is a lot of work, can you cope with that?

If you think he would be a good coparent and is a good person generally, why not be completely honest with him. You both want a baby but you don’t want to be with him any more. He might be open to the idea of having a baby together with the plan of co parenting.

Can you afford to raise baby in your own? I guess a sperm donee doesn’t come with maintenance payments

Its a difficult situation you are in OP and there's no easy answers. Of course growing up with a shit dad is awful all around but so many people are quick to suggest the donor option as an easy alternative. However this route as well can impact on children as well who grow up without any sense or knowledge of their biological roots on one side of the family and this can impact on their own self esteem, sense of self and mental health.

Obviously it's not the case for all donor concieved children and I'm neither for or against it as I have friends who have used but it is something that needs a lot of thought and research done into it, especially the impact on donor concieved children for which there is a good thread here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/3718785-I-am-the-child-of-a-sperm-donor-AMA?page=2

If your partner is lazy and unsupportive now, I can guarantee that won't change if you become pregnant. You will also need to co-parent with him for the next 18 years! It would be far better to end the relationship now, go down the donor sperm route and go it alone. You'll be a single Mum if you stay and become pregnant by your partner anyway, so the only difference will be that the sperm will be unknown.

I would be wondering how much your partner actually wants a baby. Has he gone along with IVF for your sake, but ultimately isn't bothered either way? Has he always been lazy and unsupportive? Or is this something that has happened or become worse since IVF?

It would be better for both of you to go your own separate ways. No children involved = a clean break. You wouldn't need to see or worry about him again, once you split.