Page 6 | Leave now or after baby

Biscofflatte · 2026-01-12T01:53:11+00:00

Hi I know I’m probably going to flagged for this. Ive just started IVF this week, my partner and I are both 40. No children. Engaged. Together 11 years. He hasn’t been very supportive and is completely bone idle around the house. I’ve realised today that I no longer want to be with him. He doesn’t take into account my wellbeing and doesn’t seem to care about me. i want a child. If we broke up now I wouldn’t want another relationship so wouldn’t be able to have a baby. I wouldn’t want to even go near another man. do I continue with the ivf have the baby then when the time is right leave him? Or leave now and cancel the ivf/give up the dream.

Fletchasketch · 12/01/2026 12:08

Biscofflatte · 12/01/2026 11:47

ive just got to focus on the positives of having a childfree life. It’s just going to take a lot of work and organisation and drama to get there. I have to look to where I’ll be a year from now.

my mum isn’t going to be happy with us splitting. She worries but comes out as controlling. I’m also sick of my sister and his sister saying that’s just men.

well I don’t want that. Everything’s very new and fresh. Feel like running away.

what do I do now?

Well done! Parents will always worry about their children being on their own, but it's so so much better than being with the wrong person. I was single at 40 having had years of happy single life- I was only prepared to settle down when I met the man I'm with now because he was worth it. I wouldn't have given up that freedom for just anyone. I benefited hugely from finding a good therapist and talking through feelings- you might find that's a good option for you. In terms of what you do now, it's worth taking it one step at a time so it's less daunting. You don't need to have a new life figured out in a week. Firstly, do you have somewhere to live, at least temporarily?

You've got this, BL!

Original poster

Biscofflatte · 12/01/2026 12:34

Fletchasketch · 12/01/2026 12:08

Well done! Parents will always worry about their children being on their own, but it's so so much better than being with the wrong person. I was single at 40 having had years of happy single life- I was only prepared to settle down when I met the man I'm with now because he was worth it. I wouldn't have given up that freedom for just anyone. I benefited hugely from finding a good therapist and talking through feelings- you might find that's a good option for you. In terms of what you do now, it's worth taking it one step at a time so it's less daunting. You don't need to have a new life figured out in a week. Firstly, do you have somewhere to live, at least temporarily?

You've got this, BL!

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Yes I can move home with my parents but I’m going to try to stay here. It doesn’t sound great but we do actually get on an I do think he’s a nice person.

Ive got my cat to consider too: my mum wouldn’t want her at their house.

OP posts:

dnasurprise · 12/01/2026 12:51

acorncrush · 12/01/2026 05:28

I think it is safer to use sperm of someone you know, your current partner, so there are less likely to be genetic surprises or unknowns.

From an identity perspective, your child has some chance of wanting to know who their father is and having a deep desire for connection to their heritage that cannot be met until adulthood if you use donor sperm. It’s not a guarantee, it’s possible they won’t care, but I think there is a fair chance they will and in that case unless he is awful to a dangerous degree (which is not what you have described) they may well be far better off knowing who their father is from birth, even if you do separate in the end.

Having a child with no connection to their father and not knowing their father growing up is no small thing to take into consideration. If you’ve known who yours is all your life then it might be unobvious how much not knowing can affect someone.

Edited

Completely agree and I speak from experience as a donor-conceived person. Donor is helpful for some people to conceive but it does come with its own potential trauma for the child (not for all children but a significant group). Especially identity concealed donor (or concealed until 18) donor conceived people.
That said if he is abusive/absolutely awful then I wouldn't have the baby with him either and would potentially consider donor (there are known sperm donors available/open-id which does help alleviate some of the identity crisis some donor conceived people feel).

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 12/01/2026 12:58

If you feel like running away … why don’t you?

He sounds like an ok person I’m sure he will look after your cat for you.. are you able to go away from him, your mum and sister and life and do something you love for a while?

Even if just a week in a lakeside Scottish cabin with books and hot chocolate

PenguinsandWhales · 12/01/2026 13:31

You've left it very late to start trying for a child anyway, IVF at 40 may very well not work so making peace with being childless is something you will realistically need to do anyway.

RudolphRNR · 12/01/2026 16:01

JanuaryJasmine · 12/01/2026 08:26

I know, only too well, about wanting your own baby. But at 40, needing to use IVF, it's not always possible. And even if it is, doing it with someone you don't want to be with isn't the wisest choice.
sometimes people think you can't foster as a single person & (where I live anyway) that's not true.

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You miss the point.
Yes it’s true that IVF isn’t necessarily going to be successful at 40.
Yes it’s true that single people can foster and adopt.
The point I (and others) were making is that one isn’t a substitute for the other. The OP should manage her feelings around her relationship and her desire to have a baby first.
She may or may not consider fostering or adoption at another time, just as anyone who is not using IVF can also do.

RudolphRNR · 12/01/2026 16:14

Biscofflatte · 12/01/2026 11:47

ive just got to focus on the positives of having a childfree life. It’s just going to take a lot of work and organisation and drama to get there. I have to look to where I’ll be a year from now.

my mum isn’t going to be happy with us splitting. She worries but comes out as controlling. I’m also sick of my sister and his sister saying that’s just men.

well I don’t want that. Everything’s very new and fresh. Feel like running away.

what do I do now?

I’m a decade on from where you are. I was in the depths of despair age 40, grieving the family I always dreamed I’d have. At the time I couldn’t imagine how I would ever enjoy the rest of my life. But here I am, 49 now, life is wonderful and fun. I will never be ok with not being a mother, but I have come to accept it and I enjoy life in a different way. Find ways to spend your time that really inspire you. For me it’s travel, I travel a lot, all over the world. For you it may be something else. You will get there.

TrixieFatell · 12/01/2026 16:21

If he's that poor a person why on earth would you want him to be your child's father? Its a bit of a selfish decision.

Original poster

Biscofflatte · 12/01/2026 16:25

TrixieFatell · 12/01/2026 16:21

If he's that poor a person why on earth would you want him to be your child's father? Its a bit of a selfish decision.

I’m not. Read my updates.

OP posts:

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 12/01/2026 18:27

Octaviathethird · 12/01/2026 10:57

Thank you, I understand you're trying to help me. We already have a child together via IVF, so he'll be in my life regardless. I just so desperately want to complete my family and then I can consider my options with regard to my marriage, but problems keep cropping up that mean we can't go ahead. I was in a bad place when I wrote my post, feeling completely unsupported after news of a further delay, most of the time we muddle along and his lack of care doesn't worry me too much.

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Ah I see and understand.
I'm glad that you received my comment as I intended for it to be* *