I am the child of a sperm donor, AMA

[DonorConceivedMe]

Someone suggested I do an AMA... I'm not sure if anyone has anything to ask but I'm here if so.

Thanks AP, I fully agree.

Another big issue that people don’t think about is the imbalance between the two parents in the case of donor conception. There’s the bio Mum and, basically, the step dad who is in the role of the bio dad. It often causes tension and, among my DC contacts (I know lots of people via FB groups) there is lots of divorce. People talk specifically about tension around parenting as a big factor. It happened in my family as I said upthread. There were many toxic issues in mine which aren’t necessarily to do with donor conception, but the lies and secrecy didn’t help. As a result I haven’t had contact with my “dad” since I was a child. I haven’t seen my mum for several years and we only very occasionally speak. It’s very sad.

I'm in the same boat as never being able to know who my donor is - how did you find yours and your half siblings? What sleuthing did you do?

Donor Conceived Register for some of the half siblings. But it’s victim of government cuts and in between providers at the mo. Taken over by Liverpool Women’s Hospital I think.

I traced biodad via DNA testing at ancestry.co.uk, ftdna.com and 23andme.com. You submit a saliva sample or cheek swab and get matched to others who’ve done the test and are related to you — mostly very distantly. But sometimes a closer match may have a family tree available which you can compare with other trees to find commonality. It’s complex to explain but there is a lot of expertise on a FB group run mainly by US adoptees who are tracing parents. Look up DNA Detectives on FB. There’s no guarantee you’ll get the necessary matches but people are testing more and more so it only gets more likely. Good luck.

less than zero yes. He was sexually abusive and I am sure that the fact that we weren’t genetically his made him think it was ok. In fact he said as much.

Namechange84 I’m truly sorry for your suffering. And I salute your bravery in not taking the path others urge on to you. All the best.

Donorconceivedme my sister conceived via donor she is happily married and her husband is a brilliant dad to their 2 year old little boy, can you offer any advice to them how they should approach this issue with him, in your opinion how do you feel your mum could have handled this with you to to help prevent the way you are feeling now?

Hi - as my username suggests I was also conceived by (anonymous) donor and I wanted to reply to offer a different perspective. I don't have any problem not knowing who the donor was, and I don't really want to know. I just think of them as a very generous person who enabled my parents to have a family.

I was told in my early teens and it was a shock, and took me a few days to process it and what that meant in terms of other family members (grandparents, etc) but it didn't change how I felt about any of them or how much they loved me. I think it would have been much easier if I had always know, but at that time it was thought better to wait or not tell children at all I think - similar to adoption back then. It's different now and I expect children of donors are probably told much earlier, so it's something they always grow up knowing about themselves.

I would like to know medical history, but that's it - I don't have any interest in knowing anything else. To me, my parents are the people who brought me up and I don't need anything more than that. I disagree with the new rules that say a donor's identity is available when the child reaches 18 as I worry it will put people off donating (it was the main factor in my decision not to donate eggs) because for me donation is about giving a family an amazing gift, not creating a relationship or the potential of one.

I know not everyone feels the same as me, and reading this thread makes me very grateful I feel they way I do. to those of you who have found it difficult.

Apologies if this is a tough question, but one of the arguments for allowing sperm donation even if there are some negative repercussions for the children is that they would otherwise not exist. Since non-existence is worse than many different lives, donation is, in principle, permissible. How do you feel about this argument?

@DonorConceivedMe I have just read one of your recent updates (it took me a while to write my post) and I am so sorry that happened to you.

coffeeandtv they need to make sure they are upfront with him right from the start. No lies, no concealing. When he learns the facts of life, say “Daddy didn’t make sperm so mummy had to get sperm from another man”.

Genes really do matter and often a big issue for donor conceived people is that their families don’t understand our need to find out where we come from and see it as a rejection.

Good to have your perspective DonorConceivedToo. I know not everyone feels the same as me.

Apologies if this is a tough question, but one of the arguments for allowing sperm donation even if there are some negative repercussions for the children is that they would otherwise not exist. Since non-existence is worse than many different lives, donation is, in principle, permissible. How do you feel about this argument?

People come in to the world in lots of different ways. A good outcome doesn’t justify a bad thing. You wouldn’t say the same to a child conceived by rape or an extra marital affair. I am comfortable saying that I am against donor conception despite it being the means of my existence. I’m glad I’m alive but that doesn’t justify it IMO.

Do you think you would feel differently if the donor was a dear family friend who you saw fairly frequently?

Interesting thread. I've never agreed with donor conception I actually think it's an incredibly selfish thing for a parent to do and is more about their needs than the potential child - are you annoyed at your mum for making the decision to do it?

Thigh better than my situation but still fraught with potential difficulties, jealousy, feelings of rejection, etc.

Hey1256 yes agreed.

Annoyed with my mum? No, at the time I was angry about all the lies and deception. Now I do feel sorry for her. I don’t blame her because she didn’t really think it through and was absolutely fixated on having children. I get that.

Thank you for your reply donorconcievedme and I am absolutely fascinated by yours and others response, I shall certainly ensure I show my sister especially as the infertility issue with her husband is genetic and her BiL also has a child conceived from a donor who is now 16 years old and due to her mums/grandparents over indulgence due to her (in their words) 'difficult start in life' and need to 'protect her' has produced a daughter who they simply refuse to say no to and you can appreciate what kind of girl she is. I agree with your point about the need to have a child rather than the needs of the child.
I have several friends who have children from ex partners who have no contact with their children they have subsequently remarried and their husbands have brought these children up as 'their own' but this does feel different somehow.

Hello! Thank you so much for offering to share your experiences, this is so valuable!
Do you have siblings who are also donor conceived? Did it help having this shared experience? Did you ever talk about it?
It sounds like you had a very tough childhood, it is very sad you had to go through abuse. Hope you are on a healing path.

Thanks for posting, OP. I have been guilty in the past of suggesting donor conception to people on threads struggling with childlessness. I won't do that again, having read your story.

Do you have siblings who are also donor conceived? Did it help having this shared experience? Did you ever talk about it?
Yes and yes. We don’t talk about it much. One of the painful aspects of DNA testing has been discovering that my siblings are half siblings — clinic told Mum they used the same donor but that was another lie.

@DonorConceivedMe @DonorConceivedToo thank you for sharing your perspectives.

I have five wonderful children conceived by a sperm donor, and I hope that it is some consolation to them that they are surrounded by each other - that they are each other’s roots. They also have three wonderful half-siblings, whom they will grow up knowing as well.

They are still too small to have much opinion as to how they were conceived, but I hope very much that it will be a non-issue for them and that they will grow up feeling a sense of peace about it all. Posts like yours do help to clarify my thoughts, despite how anxious they make me feel at the time! Thank you for sharing.

That is heart breaking to learn about the donor mix up this way! I would be shocked to find this out.
I have a donor conceived child and my main motivation for a second one is that they will have each other and a shared experience. As the previous poster says, your story is very helpful, even if it induces anxiety. I am really grateful you have shared it, thank you!

This is such an interesting read.

One of my oldest friends has two DC by donor sperm. They were from the same 'batch', so although there's an 18 month gap between them, they're technically twins.

I was very pro her choice when she made it, and when her DC were small. My reasoning was that she is a loving, very capable person who could give them a great upbringing, and isn't that so much more than many people have?

But as the children get older, I've come to see that that's only one small piece of the puzzle.

The children are now becoming their own people. They have some issues which may or may not be genetic, may or may not be due to not have a father in their lives, etc.

I don't actually know how much they know. But to not even have the name of a person, and to have a complete absence of that figure in your lives, and no real explanation for him, must be quite a head fuck.

It's something most people just take for granted.

I've also long been very 🙄 at this idea that you don't miss what you've never had. That is complete nonsense. I've never had a (living) grandmother, and very much feel that I missed out, for example.

I don't even know that I have a question for you, but I find the whole thing intriguing.

It's such a recent thing to even be able to do this, that I don't think we really have a good understanding of what one person's choice actually, really means for another human being, and how profound an affect it can have on them.

I've just come across this thread. My child is donor conceived so of course I would hate the thought of it not being available to help people have families. I appreciate that I am lucky I have the option at all, otherwise I would most likely be childless.

He's only young but the recommendation now is that you be open and honest (age appropriate) from the start with the children about their background so it's just the norm for them. There are many different family types now so it's easier to explain in some ways because they aren't alone, especially if you build a network of friends who also have donor conceived children.

I think a lot of the emotional trauma comes from the lies and betrayal when you find out later in life that your parents are not your real parents.. you see similar when adoption is hidden from the child too.

The UK did change regulations on anonymous to non-anonymous donor, in 2005, so the ID is released if the child wants to know after they turn 18. This has seen the number of donors drop off, but I think it's the right thing for the child to have the information. When I did my research before making my decision, it was the reason I chose a UK donor. It will be my child's decision if he wants to find out about his donor, and if he does I want to give him the best opportunity to do so. I couldn't have gone for an anonymous donor. It would break my heart if he was desperate to find out his donor and couldn't. I also made sure I chose someone who was donating for the right reasons, wrote a very considered and heart felt message and who I believe will be happy to have contact as adults. I already know a lot of non-identifying information about his donor that I can share with him.

I agree it's still relatively early days with knowing the long term impact of donor conception though, and whether it makes a difference to wellbeing knowing about the donor conception from the start and also with the use of non-anonymous donors. The adults voicing their bad experience like yourself OP are coming from a generation who were told to keep it secret and use anonymous donors. There probably is still much to learn and adapt to but I think it's too early to say it's a bad thing all round and shouldn't be an option for anyone. I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings OP, I can completely understand why you feel the way you do about it. But I also know there are DC people who don't feel that way so we need to understand more about what makes the difference in experiences.

I do object to people saying it's selfish to use a donor... everyone who has a child does so for selfish reasons. If you can conceive biologically then you are not doing a selfless act. It also doesn't mean you won't make decisions that unintentionally emotionally impact your child in the future. What might impact one child might not impact another. Nobody asks to be born and no parent is perfect.

The one guarantee with donor conception is that you were very much wanted and you were absolutely conceived out of love. Which is not the case with conception from rape and marital affairs.

Thank you for sharing your experience, and also to DonorConceivedToo