Leave now or after baby

[Biscofflatte]

Hi I know I’m probably going to flagged for this.

Ive just started IVF this week, my partner and I are both 40. No children. Engaged. Together 11 years.

He hasn’t been very supportive and is completely bone idle around the house. I’ve realised today that I no longer want to be with him. He doesn’t take into account my wellbeing and doesn’t seem to care about me.

i want a child. If we broke up now I wouldn’t want another relationship so wouldn’t be able
to have a baby. I wouldn’t want to even go near another man.

do I continue with the ivf have the baby then when the time is right leave him? Or leave now and cancel the ivf/give up the dream.

This. Don't tie yourself to someone who is already making you miserable.
If you want to go it alone, then leave him and go this route. Be honest to everyone involved.

If you don't want to be with him, you do realise that if he is the Father of your child that he will be in your life permanently if you share a child? As woudl his family. Could you cope with that? Should you purposefully inflict that on a child - sorry that's selfish but I do appreciate the strong need to be a Mum.

But there are are other ways as have been mentioned already.

Walk away, head held high and go another route.

Why does this come up every time? People asked me this every time I had a miscarriage.

Because we want a baby of our own, not a temporary child who most likely comes with behavioural challenges.

Fostering isn’t for the faint hearted.

(edit to say ‘and I should know’ because i had feckless parents who were not allowed to bring me up).

Have his baby. Leave as soon as your pregnancy is secure.

I wouldn't usually say that. But at 40 you don't really have much of a fertility window (particularly since you're doing IVF).

Accept he'll have minimal involvement.

Have the baby then go.

I was 33 when I finally got successfully pregnant with my DH. After several miscarriages that pull was so strong and in theory I still had lots of time, could even have found a new relationship if I wanted (I didn't). In your shoes I would most likely stay until I had the baby

Unlikely when it comes to 40 year old eggs. Egg freezing is not always the answer.

I don't understand the posters arguing that it's selfish to have a baby with a shit dad but then to go and use sperm donor.

Yes of course inflicting a father on a baby who isn't up to the task and is uninvolved isn't good for the baby but how is having it by donor any less selfish? The outcome is still the same essentially, no father in the picture with the added extra of the child having no contact, connection or knowledge to their genetics or biological roots through the fathers side. There's also the potential of the child going looking for their biological dad and facing heartbreak for them not wanting to be involved.

We are all curious as humans to know where we came from, it's extremely naive to be thinking this wouldn't impact on a child in someway.

As mentioned I'm on the fence for donor sperm but it requires honesty that you are starving a child of part of their genetic identity and roots to serve your own desire to have a child. I can't see how it's less selfish than having a dad (albeit) a useless one in the picture but still one they would know.

I think this thread illustrates the naivety and misconceptions (no pun intended) about fertility. There is a strong possibility that at 40 plus the OP wouldn’t just need a sperm donor, they would need an egg donor. She is 40 now, add in another couple of years to stop this treatment and set up the donor process and the chances are diminishing.

Freezing eggs is unrealistic - you need to do that far younger when the quantity and quality is better. Eggs that are frozen then need to be defrosted and fertilised which reduces chances still further.

contrary to popular belief, you don’t just rock up and demand the fertility treatment of your choice. Questions on stability are asked and coming out of a relationship, abandoning an IVF round and rushing to donor sperm at 40 plus may raise some flags.

none of this means that the OP should stay with her partner; I just don’t like seeing fertility misinformation abound. We are now well
informed about how to avoid pregnancy, less
so about conception and fertility.

This. Why would you want a poor little child to have to be co-parented by this lazy arse?

I did, my post.

Can I just say, as I don't think anyone has, how brave this is. I've been in relationships that I knew weren't right, it was still terrifying to leave and start again, even without the question of children.

I can also say from personal experience that pregnancy in your forties can be a terrifying experience, after three losses, I absolutely would not have wanted to do this with anyone other than a loving supportive partner. I firmly believe that you are doing the right thing here and wish you so much luck for the next chapter.

Why would you choose a 2 home situation for your child when you don't have too? Donor

Thank you, I understand you're trying to help me. We already have a child together via IVF, so he'll be in my life regardless. I just so desperately want to complete my family and then I can consider my options with regard to my marriage, but problems keep cropping up that mean we can't go ahead. I was in a bad place when I wrote my post, feeling completely unsupported after news of a further delay, most of the time we muddle along and his lack of care doesn't worry me too much.

I really wish the interests and well being of the hypothetical child took priority in this scenario.

Also bear in mind he would probably realise he had been used and then discarded when he outlived his usefulness, which would lead to ongoing resentment at best, outright hatred at worst. Not an ideal set up for 18 years of co-parenting!

Thankfully the OP isn’t going down that path.

Thank you so much and to everyone else with the well wishes and advice.

i don’t think having a baby is in store for me. I will make my peace with it. I just want to be happy more than anything and have a peaceful home environment.

ive stopped taking the ivf medication this morning. As I said I only started last week. I’m going to give it a few days then call them to withdraw, as I have scans booked in for couple weeks.

ive told him we are over, he cried. I do love him but not in love with him anymore. I wish he’d listened to my feelings the past few years.

i warned him couple weeks ago as well saying I’d leave and pull the plug before we started treatment, needed to know he’d be there for me, he’d lose everything if I left. He swore blind he would.

not even a week in and things were same.

so I did what I said I’d do. He’s lovely person. Just not for me. I also don’t think i want another relationship, I’m happy on my own with my cat and my friends. I will make my peace with not having children, sad but it is what it is.

Don’t have a baby with him. Love that future baby enough not to give it a shit dad. No dad would be better than that. You can be a family unit as a single parent but split custody would just disrupt that.

Leave now. He’s useless and you may not get pregnant anyway. Don’t waste any more time.

But to all those being so cavalier and saying “just have a baby on your own”, do you think that - just once - you could stop and think about the needs and rights of the child, who would grow up not knowing their father, half their medical history, and constantly wondering if they’ve got siblings nearby.

We’ve become far too casual about donor conception, and it’ll prove to be a ticking time bomb.

OP, take time to think about what you want. There are lots of benefits to a child free life.

You will be stuck with him for the rest of your life if you have a baby with him! Donor sperm from overseas and ivf will mean you have your baby and no issues with the father

Thing is, you're imposing on a future child the burden of a shit dad for the rest of their lives. At least with a donor, they don't have that shit parent to deal with.

Donor. If you have a baby with him and then leave, you're likely to end up co parenting in a difficult situation, and it's possible that there will be times he has custody - which I personally would hate. If you go with the donor option then you get to call all the shots, make all the choices, parent the way that you want and you don't have to share time with your much loved child x

Freezing 40 year old eggs would have very little chance of success.

It's selfish to deliberately create a single parent household- obviously it happens along the way for various reasons, but you shouldn't actively do it.
And as for creating a child who won't even know his/her father (va sperm donor)...no!
A child is a responsibility, you have to put their welfare above your needs, even if that means remaining childless.
I would say there are kids who need adopting and that's a different matter, but I don't say it glibly as they often they have difficult backgrounds and /or lifelong issues. Again, it's all about putting the child front and centre.

Well, quite: it means the baby is deprived of growing up with and even knowing his/her father- it's entirely for the adult's comfort and so breathtakingly selfish.

ive just got to focus on the positives of having a childfree life. It’s just going to take a lot of work and organisation and drama to get there. I have to look to where I’ll be a year from now.

my mum isn’t going to be happy with us splitting. She worries but comes out as controlling. I’m also sick of my sister and his sister saying that’s just men.

well I don’t want that. Everything’s very new and fresh. Feel like running away.

what do I do now?