Leave now or after baby

[Biscofflatte]

Hi I know I’m probably going to flagged for this.

Ive just started IVF this week, my partner and I are both 40. No children. Engaged. Together 11 years.

He hasn’t been very supportive and is completely bone idle around the house. I’ve realised today that I no longer want to be with him. He doesn’t take into account my wellbeing and doesn’t seem to care about me.

i want a child. If we broke up now I wouldn’t want another relationship so wouldn’t be able
to have a baby. I wouldn’t want to even go near another man.

do I continue with the ivf have the baby then when the time is right leave him? Or leave now and cancel the ivf/give up the dream.

If you leave now he can pull his consent anyway any time up to transfer

He doesn’t take into account my wellbeing and doesn’t seem to care about me.

This is someone who’s going to have 50/50 custody of your child and who you’re going to have to have regular contact with for the next 18 years.

I can’t describe to you how difficult it is having a parent who is so difficult and cares more about getting one over on you, than he does about his kids.

The fact that you’re even contemplating leaving now suggests that he’s really not nice and it’s seriously affecting you - but you will be tied to him.

I personally am not a fan of donor conception but I would definitely consider adopting - have you ever considered this?

Leave and use a donor. Staying for his sperm just seems icky.

Also he would have visitation all the way up to 50/50 parenting. He would be forever in your life.

Use a donor because if you have frozen embryos left with him he may block you from using them.
Can you just switch to donor sperm I’m not sure about the processes involved if you already done consents and started treatment

Do donor sperm like my friend. She didn't want to give her child to a man 50% of the time. She is very happy with her son and has him 100% of the time. Men can turn nasty and use the child as a weapon so please don't have a child with him.

Unless you come clean, but somehow he agrees to it himself and you then work out a child arrangement between you too, what you are doing can't be seen as anything else but deception and manipulation.

Ultimately, he could then decide to also use his power to manipulate you once the baby is born. Insist on alone time with baby if only a few hours from the time they are a couple of months, overnights after baby is one, 50/50 etc...Do you have any idea of what it's like to coparent with someone eho has an ax to grind against you? It's not just hell for you but all research shows how negatively it impacts on the children on all aspects of their life, even when they think they are keeping the stress away from the children.

What you are considering doing is selfish, controlling and self-indulgent.

Totally agree.

Please don’t willingly give your potential child a shit father. You won’t be able to protect them from that no matter how hard you try. Look at the alternatives instead. Donor if that’s the only way.

You are clearly unhappy and unfortunately you seem to think a baby will sort of all your problems. Nothing good ever came from this as it's incredibly unfair on the baby.

My advice would be to leave now and change your life. That could only take a year in reality. Then, once you can bring them into a happy home, think about having a baby.

I know I’m terrible person, ashamed even thinking of it.

he is actually a nice person but his mum did absolutely everything for him. I’ve had enough.

he is very laid back so wouldn’t actually be hard to co parent. I’m just sick of being taken for granted.

he had to talk me into the ivf. I didn’t want to do it. But my age is a major factor.

i get one free go.

I don’t. But I’m 40 it’s too late to start again.

I’m assuming she’s banking on financial support from him which she wouldn’t get from a donor?

No I’m not actually. I have money to support myself and a child.

Thanks so much for all of the replies. I was just very fed up and at the end of my tether, more pondering to self really.

i wouldn’t do this because I couldn’t live with myself being so manipulative.

im not continuing with the ivf and will
make plans to leave.

he is very laid back so wouldn’t actually be hard to co parent. I’m just sick of being taken for granted
Read this again OP. Do you really think he would be laid back when after bonding with his baby, just as you will, he'll lose you and have to debate or maybe fight to have as much time with his baby as he did before you left. What are you plans? No putting him on the birth certificate so he doesn't get parental rights until/unless he takes you to court for it? What if he asks for joint custody? Would you cope with that?

Who would be taken for granted then after you make decision just to suit your own needs?

It's totally understandable that your heart is screaming to you to do it but this is a time when you really have to listen to your head.

Ultimately, if he really wants a child himself, how about discussing it together now. Separate, but agree to be coparents and work out exactly what this would entail.

Because by the time there is donor sperm available, OP’s chances of success will be much diminished.

At this stage could you not have the egg retrieval and storage part of IVF, and then you can be a position to find donor sperm a later date when you have settled?

I’d go ahead with the IVF. If you really want a baby, this is pretty much your only chance.

I had IVF with donor sperm. It was a long time ago so things might have changed, but I had to have been single for at least 6 months, I had to have counselling sessions to confirm I was in the right mindset. I had to write a report on why I was able to be a single parent. My case then had to go before a panel who only met every 2 months, to determine if I was fit to undergo treatment. This was a mainstream private clinic, and I have no physical or mental health history.

Then there was a 6 month wait for a donor sample to be available. Since the anonymity laws were change the supply has dwindled.

From the day I approached the clinic for treatment, to the day I started it, was over 6 months. And then of course the first 2 treatments failed, and you have to leave a gap of at least 2 months between cycles.

I know, only too well, about wanting your own baby. But at 40, needing to use IVF, it's not always possible. And even if it is, doing it with someone you don't want to be with isn't the wisest choice.

sometimes people think you can't foster as a single person & (where I live anyway) that's not true.

You are not happy and perhaps it’s taken the IVF and thought of having a baby with him and being tied to him for years, to make you realise just how unhappy you are.

Definitely leave asap.
Give it 6 months to adjust and then figure out if you want a child or not.

It is abhorrent to do that to a child, to deliberately bring them in to this mess. It’s all about you and no consideration of them.

You shouldn’t have a child with him. It ties you together for life. End it, start over. See how you feel once you are apart.

Your desire for a baby is not the most important thing. If you can’t see that you shouldn’t be a parent.

Have the baby. Easy to say use a sperm donor but you don’t have time to waste.

You’ll be a single parent no matter which option you choose. There’s a probability DP will be a good dad and involved. With a sperm donor, you will be a lone parent. I’ve been a lone parent alongside a single parent. Lone parenting is much tougher.

You don't want to regret not having a child for the rest of your life.

This

Why would you do your potential child (if you stayed) the disservice of having a shit Dad.

Stop thinking of what you want in this situation and think about this potential child.

Leave.