Leave now or after baby

[Biscofflatte]

Hi I know I’m probably going to flagged for this.

Ive just started IVF this week, my partner and I are both 40. No children. Engaged. Together 11 years.

He hasn’t been very supportive and is completely bone idle around the house. I’ve realised today that I no longer want to be with him. He doesn’t take into account my wellbeing and doesn’t seem to care about me.

i want a child. If we broke up now I wouldn’t want another relationship so wouldn’t be able
to have a baby. I wouldn’t want to even go near another man.

do I continue with the ivf have the baby then when the time is right leave him? Or leave now and cancel the ivf/give up the dream.

Has he just changed to be lazy, unsupportive and uncaring after 11 years?

This is so immoral. Imagine if it was your brother, whose partner intentionally had a child with him knowing she was going to break up with him afterwards. For Christ sake woman give yourself a talking to.

What stage of ivf are you at? Are you sure you aren’t being morphed by your hormones? Stopping your own hormones in the early part of an ivf cycle is like going through a violently accelerated menopause. Nothing can really prepare you for the emotional journey you will go on.

Do what suits YOU best.
I don't understand the desire for a child, but, as you have enough to support yourself and the kid and you want one, do what you need to do.
A donor at your age might not work out.
Leaving your partner's lazy off-putting arse is no "sin", ignore the moral patrol here. Men usually don't consider what's morally right when following their interest, either.
Good luck.

If you don't want to be with him, why on EARTH do you want to have a child with him? That's not fair on him or the potential child.
Leave if that's your plan - do it now. Look into donor if a child is a priority, but don't make someone you plan to leave a parent. That's utterly selfish, unfair and hideous behaviour.

How would you feel if he wanted 50/50 with your baby?
Thats the only thing id say would be so difficult for me.
He has every right to insist on that if you split once the baby is born.
If you cant handle the thought of that then definitely a sperm donor!

Hi I am not going to do the IVF I am going to leave. I was more thinking out loud last night and was tired/fed up. I know it’s wrong behaviour. I will start a new life then see what happens. I don’t want to be tied to him. He’s not a nasty person just lazy and I don’t love him anymore. Just realised it now.

I know, only too well, about wanting your own baby. But at 40, needing to use IVF, it's not always possible. And even if it is, doing it with someone you don't want to be with isn't the wisest choice.
sometimes people think you can't foster as a single person & (where I live anyway) that's not true.

Singletons can also adopt.

i suspect op wants a child with her own dna and a pregnancy, which is a totally valid desire.

I am not sure what to advise. Follow your gut? For what it’s worth I have no moral judgement about you leaving him if the IVF works. After all, he owes you something after all the effort you’ve put in. He probably won’t be bothered anyway once that child arrives.

Pause the IVF if you can. Don’t bring a child into a relationship where you already feel uncared for. A baby won’t fix him,and it will bind you to him forever. Take space, get clarity, then choose motherhood from strength, not fear.

That's a good decision. I'm sorry you're in this position though, it's shit.

i hope you do leave, it's easy to change your mind when you're no longer ' in the moment' but if you don't you'll keep remembering why you should have.

be strong!

How would you feel about fostering? Being single is not a barrier to fostering. I'm not sure about adoption.

Why do people always say this. Adoption and fostering are not the same as having your own biological child. And its not as straightforward as that. Fostering and adoption are hugely challenging for lots of reasons.

Please don't have a baby by a man you already know you don't like. It would not be fair on the child. Using a donor would be a emotionally safer option xx

When you leave him, after using him as a sperm donor, will you expect any financial support?

What a thing to potentially put a parent through, having a baby, then having it snatched away from them.

OP, I can see you've said this is a no-go now. Probably for the best TBH

This!

IVF is stressful with hormones and anxiety. For the bloke it is stressful too. iVF aside, if you were having relationship drama, you’d maybe consider counselling to think about why you feel as you do. But it’s not the time to do that. To qualify for IVF, I needed to joint sign forms saying I was in a stable relationship, amongst many other questions. Maybe it’s not the same now…

to those saying to get a donor, setting that up takes time which the OP doesn’t have, and, based on my experience, questions would be asked about whether the OP is in the right place to go forward with such a big decision.

You don't seem to have responded to the suggestion of a donor. Is that not something you'd consider?

Don't continue with IVF.
Leave him and sign up for donor sperm if you want to be a single parent, it will be easier than having an angry ex around the child . Also two wrongs don't make a right- trying to conceive while planning to leave someone is a mean thing to do, even when the other person has behaved badly.

Adoptee here.

Donor sperm has its own issues. Your child could end up with dozens of half-siblings and a proper identity crisis. Who knows what contact etc will look like in the coming years - things have changed significantly (beyond recognition, when it comes to anonymity, because of the DNA tests) in the past two decades.

I agree with @acorncrush it's better to know the father/family from birth.

Not considering anything right now as need to leave and get sorted.

but yes I would consider one.

Sorry I missed this update before commenting. Sounds like a good decision. Good luck OP.

Regardless of how easy you think it would be to co-parent, it is not OK to manipulate him into this.

If he is committing to having a child, thinking you will be together, you can't plan the whole thing knowing you are going to leave him. That's an entirely different situation, incredibly dishonest and deceptive.

Not to mention that it's wrong to bring the child into that situation.

Continue with IVF, hopefully have a baby and then leave.

Are you for real?! Fostering is not a quick fix for those struggling to conceive.

@Biscofflatte - that’s the right decision. You say in your updates that he talked you into the IVF and that you don’t want a baby. So you’re right to stop this.

I get that you're in a shit position. Could you freeze some eggs now to give you some security for a later relationship?