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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
TheMorgenmuffel · 11/01/2026 12:41

Fuck me he's got the deal of the century.

I hope he's got a solid gold cock at least.

Blanca87 · 11/01/2026 12:41

How the fuck have you let it get to the stage where he pays fuck all for his keep, you pay for HIS family’s Christmas presents and you passively accept a shit present from him.How and why has it come to this?

hollytheheroic · 11/01/2026 12:41

You're married to him so he will potentially get a share of the house if you divorce, why shouldn't he pay towards it? This is bonkers.

Elizabethandfour · 11/01/2026 12:41

I act like a doormat why doesn’t he value me enough to buy me thoughtful presents?

Stressymadre · 11/01/2026 12:41

Can I ask why you are ok with his not contributing anything? I also have a partner, 2 kids that are mine, he has none and I earn nearly twice what he does... he buys presents for my kids and his own family. And he contributes towards costs. In fact he was pushing for 50/50 as he wants it to be fair but I insisted it's 70/30 due to kids and my higher income. I cannot believe you're OK with him not paying anything???

KaleidoscopeSmile · 11/01/2026 12:41

"I bought him the lego ect as it was stuff he had heavily hinted at wanting, he loves it and has already built it. And I thought that as it's Christmas it's nice to get a proper treat."

Fair enough but since you know what he's like - AND that he has no expenses other than his phone and car - why did you also buy him clothes, a custom handmade knife, other custom gifts and a few generic gifts AND buy the presents for his entire family?

C'mon OP!

Geeseinarowhonk · 11/01/2026 12:42

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

OP, you should not be ok with this though. The shitty gifts are the symptom, his pisstaking regarding the living conditions forms the disease.

Is is absorbing costs like a sponge - money that could be going towards your children.

C152 · 11/01/2026 12:42

Sorry OP, no wonder you are disappointed. He sounds like a thoughtless cheapskate.

It sounds like he bought the hotel voucher for himself - is he expecting you to stump up the difference to 'treat' him to a 2 night stay on his birthday? If you think he's worth it, explain that you are really upset and he hasn't done well at all. Except for the ring, his presents show no thought. (Things don't have the be expensive to be thoughtful.) If you say nothing, things will stay the same.

And stop buying for his family. That's HIS job.

WildLeader · 11/01/2026 12:42

Are you actually married to this Prince?

if not, then seriously move him the fuck back out.

this is showing you that he prioritises himself over you, despite the fact that you’re housing him, he contributes practically nothing to the running of it - he’s a manchild. A cocklodger.

give him the voucher back for his birthday and he can spend what he should have fucking spent on you on his birthday weekend with you.

if you’re going to continue with this shit show, then you make a list of gifts that he sticks to and chooses from. Set a budget for gifts and keep to it.

never buy this manchild a fucking toy/lego set again.

how can you actually have sex with a man as infantile as this? Seriously? He gives me the raging ick.

Wonderlandpeony · 11/01/2026 12:42

I do think he has been very unreasonable, but the first thing that sprung to mind is why on earth did you buy an adult man who is also clearly quite mean, so many presents, surely the lego set and one other small gift would have been more than enough?

Wannabedisneyprincess · 11/01/2026 12:43

i feel OPs next post will be about how she also does all housework, cooking, washing etc so not only does he not contribute financially, he doesn’t contribute anything to at all

MO0N · 11/01/2026 12:43

Oh, ok this man is outright exploiting you.
Please wake up and kick him out on his arse.

Imbusytodaysorry · 11/01/2026 12:44

@tryingtobegrateful he is with you for financial reasons .
I wouldn’t be staying with him .

WildLeader · 11/01/2026 12:44

You bought for his family?

fuck me you’re an almighty idiot! stop that immediately

with the money he saves in not running a house etc, HE should be subbing YOU

Thebigfellaisnowsnoozing · 11/01/2026 12:44

I'm better he got the voucher free..
Like the £50 ones from Specsavers a friend can use towards a pair of specs!
You spend £££ to get it and friend has to pair £££ for their specs with the £50 off at the till!!

BlackCat14 · 11/01/2026 12:44

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I don’t think I understand why you will need to pay £350 minimum to use it. Why can’t he? I mean it’s a really, really weird gift to just buy a £50 voucher when knowing a lot more would need to be added. He’d have been better just booking the whole thing. But is he seriously expecting you to pay for the rest? For his birthday? I wouldn’t be doing that. If I was you I’d just write off that £50 as a waste of his money. If he wants to pay the rest and book it for you both, lovely. If he’s expecting you to… well just…no!

Gettingbysomehow · 11/01/2026 12:44

Did you marry this prick? if so you can kiss goodbye to your children's inheritance. Why are women so bloody stupid?

WallaceinAnderland · 11/01/2026 12:45

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

OMG you absolute MUG

coconutchocolatecream · 11/01/2026 12:45

He has a very cushy set-up living with you, from the sounds of it, so even though that's not the focus of this thread, I'd keep an eye on it. Is he pulling his weight in your life, because he doesn't sound particularly generous. Telling you he chose the cheapest mug option is just pure cringe. If that's the case, he shouldn't have bought a mug at all, but found something else. But the worst is obviously the gift that is a fraction of the full cost and then telling you that you can use it for his birthday! No, I wouldn't pretend to be grateful for that.

Blanca87 · 11/01/2026 12:45

I mean do these type of guys have golden cocks and golden tongues? It’s totally perplexing when you read these threads over and over and over, again. Especially when the op has kids and they allow these men to take food out the mouths of the children.

Alicorn1707 · 11/01/2026 12:45

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

but @tryingtobegrateful he is taking the proverbial, he has sufficient disposable but he chose NOT to spend another £30 on the mug you would have truly appreciated.

Have a wee think about that and how he truly values you ma lovely.🌸

HollyhockDays · 11/01/2026 12:46

DH suggested getting “me” a voucher for a night away and I was clear no way as that is actually a present mode him too! Do they have a spa you could use it in instead I know you would have to add more but even so.

The rest sounds a bit crap. Is he generally crap at presents?

Elizabethandfour · 11/01/2026 12:46

MO0N · 11/01/2026 12:40

Generally speaking men tend to respond with belligerence and resentment if women out earn them.
I would say the underlying reason that you bought him such an expensive gift is because his resentment makes you feel threatened and you feel a need to placate him in order to reduce the sense of threat. This may all be operating an unconscious level.
I'm not sure if I would discuss this with him, instead I would 'match his energy' from now on, i.e make sure that the gifts you give him are in the same category as the ones he gives you.

Op is not a high earner. Her salary band is 31 - 37k to support herself, him, her kids and to pay all the households bills including food and mortgage.

LongDistanceClara44 · 11/01/2026 12:46

Collects knives 😳

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 11/01/2026 12:47

Ask for the receipt for the mug and return it.
Buy a mug you like.

Don’t go to that venue for his birthday.

Perhaps organise a weekend there with a friend, and have your DH hold the fort at home while you are away. Make the time away the gift.

Match his energy with gifts. Don’t try so hard, keep it simple.

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