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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
NewName2026 · 11/01/2026 12:21

Well, at least his birthday is sorted. Give him back the voucher.

I'd be upset too

upstairsdownstairscardboardbox · 11/01/2026 12:22

For his bday give him a £50 voucher and say - "ooooo in 4 years we might be able to actual go and stay"
But more seriously, I'd sell the voucher on ebay for £20.

upstairsdownstairscardboardbox · 11/01/2026 12:22

NewName2026 · 11/01/2026 12:21

Well, at least his birthday is sorted. Give him back the voucher.

I'd be upset too

or this 👆

Ecrire · 11/01/2026 12:23

Easy. Pre set a budged for each other that neither of you is allowed to exceed. Maintain a wish list.

Alicorn1707 · 11/01/2026 12:23

@tryingtobegrateful no, no, no "trying to be grateful". Why the hell should you be?

Rubbish and thoughtless gifts, get him telt ma hen, how will he learn, otherwise 😊

diddl · 11/01/2026 12:23

Or use the voucher for your birthday so that he pays the rest?

AudHvamm · 11/01/2026 12:24

Uh am I understanding correctly that you bought presents for his family members and he did not? If that's correct the only gift he bought for someone else was really for himself, he's either clueless about giving or selfish, neither of which is very appealing.

DH and I don't always buy each other birthday or Christmas presents - sometimes we'll decide to take a trip or meal instead. But we talk about it and set expectations beforehand, and we're both generous with each other throughout the year in other ways, so don't feel hard done by.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 11/01/2026 12:24

This is a bit like a controlling ex my sister had. There was a particular gadget she really wanted, and was saving for, and happy to save for.

For her birthday, he used a voucher he'd got from work to buy a different (more shit) version of the gadget, and she was expected to be grateful, and use the money she now had spare (since she didn't need it to buy the one she actually wanted) to pay for their summer holiday.

OP is your guy just thoughtless? Or manipulative like my sister's ex? It sounds like he's manipulative if you had a conversation about the mug, and he didn't immediately feel awful and spend 50 quid getting you the mug you actually wanted along with some apologies.

thismummydrinksgin · 11/01/2026 12:24

I’d buy him a £50 voucher for the hotel for his birthday

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 11/01/2026 12:25

He could have spent the £50 for the voucher on the mug that would have actually made you happy!

I agree with the suggestion to give him another £50 voucher for his birthday and split the rest.

But YANBU to call him out of the thoughtlessness

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 11/01/2026 12:25

I don't know about thoughtless - I mean he took note of the local maker whose mugs you liked, he just bought the cheapest thing she had. So he did think, he just didn't think of spending more money.

Does he earn a LOT less, OP? I mean, if he's hard up for money then I'd say, well, at least he tried. But the voucher thing - DO NOT go to that hotel for his birthday! Take him on a cheap day out, if you must, but don't use that 'hint hint I want an overnight at that posh hotel'.

And don't buy for his family. He can do that.

AquaFurball · 11/01/2026 12:27

Needmorelego · 11/01/2026 12:08

Has he built the Lego yet?
If not return it for a refund.
If built sell secondhand. If it's one of the sets I am thinking of you will get ££££ for it.
And then firmly tell him why you have done that.

100% agree with this.

@tryingtobegrateful You spent ridiculous money on him and he gave you a shit gift that he expects you to use for him. Return or sell the lego. Stop buying him anything worth more than £50. Regift him the voucher for his birthday.

What does he actually bring to your life to improve it? Sounds like a bit of a cock lodger.

Alcoholrecovery · 11/01/2026 12:28

What does he say about the voucher? I’d give him it back and say it’s no point to give you it. It’s worse than no gift.

SpinandSing · 11/01/2026 12:28

I think you need to be blunt with him and tell him how upset you are. Also, it sounds like you need to tell him wha to do to set things right. I had a little bit of a disappointing Xmas with my hubby's present and I really let it get to me. I had to tell him eventually and let it all out...I felt so offended by the lack of care and he just didn't notice and had great presents fm me. Mine were all the wrong size and just odd...& it was eating away at me that he didn't seem to care.

Please tell him. Open communication is so essential for a good relationship.

Alicorn1707 · 11/01/2026 12:29

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat

"A thoughtless person is someone who acts without considering the potential impact, feelings, or needs of others" don't you think so?

BrokenWingsCantFly · 11/01/2026 12:30

Have you asked him whether he will be forking out the extra £350 or whether he expects you to pay?. If he answers the later. Then tell him you don't want the voucher then and hand it back

Looks like he fancied a high end hotel stay but didn't want to pay out for it, so got a voucher so you feel obligated

MostlyHappyMummy · 11/01/2026 12:30

Why did you buy, and presumably pay for, presents for his parents and nieces and nephews?
regarding the gift - someone has already suggested giving the voucher to him for his birthday and that is the best thing to do. Just say you know how much he must want to go there so here you go. If you can be bothered buy another £20 voucher for the same place and chuck that in too

Forty85 · 11/01/2026 12:30

Well that's all shit.. I do think you spent too much on him. I'd just tell him next Christmas we won't bother with presents.

When he brings up booking the hotel, say "thatl be nice, do you have the rest of the money to pay for it?". Make it clear he's paying and if he questions it just say, why should I pay 350 pounds for a present you bought and only paid 50 pounds towards.

To be honest, I'd rather not go and lose the £50. The fact he's basically wanting you to pay the £350 for the stay for his birthday after his lack of effort for your Christmas gifts, would make me determined not to go. I'd choose him something nice I liked for myself and give him that for his birthday.

bigboykitty · 11/01/2026 12:30

He's a user @tryingtobegrateful . Just deal with it head on. There's nothing to lose really. If he's sorry, tell him to exchange the mug for one you actually like and ask him to compensate you for the expensive present he strongly hinted at by paying you the difference. I would use the voucher for afternoon tea with a friend if possible, or tell him no thanks, please give me the money. You're going to split up anyway. He's a grifter.

diddl · 11/01/2026 12:31

Also why does earning less mean that his doesn't buy his family presents?

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 11/01/2026 12:32

Give him the £50 voucher back as an early birthday present and he can put it towards the stay he wants.

If he's genuinely a good partner in other ways (though this seems doubtful) agree to stick to a token £20 gift in future.

And buy yourself the mug if you can afford to do so!

TheMorgenmuffel · 11/01/2026 12:33

The voucher is the cheekiest thing ever!

You need to ask him to sit down then say to him are you telling me that your christmas gift to me was a £50 voucher towards a £X trip for your birthday? Who do you plan to pay the rest?

VickyEadieofThigh · 11/01/2026 12:33

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

As others have suggested, you have now confirmed: you have a cocklodger.

Why are you permitting this thoughtless, uncaring waste of space in your and your children's lives?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 11/01/2026 12:34

Alicorn1707 · 11/01/2026 12:29

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat

"A thoughtless person is someone who acts without considering the potential impact, feelings, or needs of others" don't you think so?

I think, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may just have thought 'OP likes mugs from that maker, I will buy her this mug.'

True thoughtlessness would have been, 'OP likes mugs. Tesco have got a two for one offer on, I'll get a couple of those.'

I'm not in the least on his side. But I think he showed that he at least listened to the extent of knowing WHO OP would like mugs from. He just didn't care about WHICH mugs.

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