A gift that I need to pay to use?

[tryingtobegrateful]

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

Ah that's not a good thing dude. Your husband sounds like a manipulative twat. Tell him he should be ashamed of himself handing over responsibility to a woman and if she is left to buy gifts again there's going to be ructions.

Can't follow a link indeed. More like he couldn't give a toss about you to bother.

We let these men get away with this crap. Why?

Having read everything, he needs to go. If you can't deal it for you, do it for your children who will grow up expecting less than they deserve out of a relationship. You and they deserve better.

You are not unreasonable that be disappointed with your presents, especially as they are symbolic of the wider issues. If he was a better man, you would be laughing at how inept he is and moving on. The fact that you are turning to Mumsnet for support demonstrates that you already know the answer but need some grounding because he will gaslight you into thinking that you are the problem. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.

Ditch him and have a few months on your own. I think you will find that making the space for a decent human being who is actually deserving of your time will bring one into your life. Good luck.

Thank you for your concern. We have had a joint account since we started living together. His money is my money and vice versa. I’d hate to receive cash. It would make me so sad. My husband doesn’t shop online. My daughter and I love Christmas and she loves shopping for thoughtful gifts. She does it because she wants to. I shop for everyone else. He cooks Christmas lunch for 15 and does a lot of the cleaning up. It works for all of us.
There are lots of things I am not good at that my husband does for me. Most days he does a dozen thoughtful things - from making my lunch and dinner, to lighting a fire and calling me in when he thinks I’m working too late, to facilitating my business, to servicing my car, to clearing the gutters, to surprising me by running lights around the roof of my studio at Christmas. We adore each other and after decades of happy marriage I could not imagine life without him.
Hes never going to see a satin skirt in Zara and say “You’d look great in that”. My daughter does. She’s an economist and understands the principle of comparative advantage. She wouldn’t do it if it doesn’t bring her and him joy! Does nobody else share tasks according to their talents and likes?

Thank you for your concern. A few wrong assumptions. She is not 17. She started gift buying for me at Christmas when she was 17. She buys gifts for me at Christmas on my husband’s behalf because she knows my taste, enjoys shopping and knows how much stress it causes my husband who gets it wrong but hates to get it wrong. She offered to do so at 17 and he gladly accepted. She has offered every year since. I buy Christmas gifts for my children, friends and other important people in our lives. Adult relatives participate in secret Santa. He buys his own Secret Santa. So she doesn’t have to buy for anyone other than her own list (although she sometimes helps her brother with ideas) When she marries, she and her DP will share the tasks 50/50 because that’s what she and he believe in and that’s what she’s witnessed growing up. Her future husband is as kind to her as she is to him and my DH is to me. Trust me - she has been raised to be independent, respectful of others and respectful of herself. She absolutely knows when to put her own needs first and when to say no. But mostly she has also been raised to understand and believe in the restorative and powerful virtue of kindness.

Trust me, it’s absolutely fine. But thank you for your concern. We’re not all good at everything and my husband is neither manipulative or a “twat”. If he were I wouldn’t have enjoyed decades of marriage. He’s just not good at choosing and buying gifts because he’s not interested in material “things”. He’s brilliant in so many other ways. He’s taken over most of the cooking since my work has ramped up and his has quietened down. He’s the kindest, most patient person I know. My daughter offered to do this for him because she wanted to and she knew I’d be delighted (I am) and she knew it would help him and it does. Nobody takes this act of kindness for granted and we all do things to help each other out according to our experience and skill set. Buying my Christmas gifts once a year does not make her a downtrodden serf, or my husband a manipulative twat. It makes us a normal family where people do things because they love each other.

How many years has she been doing it for then?

I was happy to help my mum but as years went by and life got busy, it became yet another chore.

I continued for way longer than I should have as I felt guilty not helping.
She probably thought I enjoyed it, but gift buying isn't always fun and can take up a lot of time.

You say she offered at 17, and was happy to, but she might not still be happy doing it, even if she doesn't say so.

I really hope OP can acknowledge she needs to make changes for her and her children.
He seems thoughtless and selfish . I wouldn’t want him as a role model for my children.
Hopefully you are able to get out of this situation quickly financially and emotionally. Good luck.

Thanks. Yes I can see how being expected to do this might grate. She has offered for the last seven years and I have had seven years of gifts I love. It’s a bonding thing for her and her dad. She chooses and shows him. We all enjoy Christmas and everyone in the family chips in to make it special. It’s a time when we all get together. We always host for wider family but they all bring dishes and everyone helps. Nobody feels put upon. If she didn’t want to or didn’t have time to do it she would say so. It’s just a few thoughtful gifts once a year. She is the person in the family who loves gamification and who thinks up new ideas and traditions. She and her friends do this for each other too. It’s v much driven by her.

Is it just the once a year, what about your birthday?

You'd support it as it works for you but it's not always a case of:
If she didn’t want to or didn’t have time to do it she would say so.

If that were the case, half the threads on here wouldn't exist.

Hopefully she truly feels happy with it.

Thank you. We tend to do an experience for my birthday. We go somewhere both my DH and I enjoy so my daughter is not involved with that.
I think she would not offer to do this every year if she didn’t want to. It was, after all, her idea. She is also good at saying no when she doesn’t want to do something. It’s a little light internet shopping once a year (we live rurally so don’t have a lot of shopping options locally) But no presumptions are made and I can always ask her how she feels about it.

You're not being unreasonable at all. A £50 voucher and then use it for his birthday?? How is that a gift for you??

Oh how I wish we still had the laugh react. It's really not. Ours sit in a cabinet. I enjoy that he collects them too, does these mean I'm going to be abusive or murder him? 🤔

I collect mugs - I could easily smash them and threaten his life with the pieces. Is that equally "weird behaviour"?

I didn’t say it was abusive or murderous. But it is weird.

And yes, smashing all the mugs and threatening someone would also be weird. Obviously.

Can’t stand men who collect weapons. Suggests low self esteem and a masculinity problem to me.

What a great way to teach a young woman that weaponised incompetence is what a healthy relationship looks like. Now she'll be able to grow up and expect shite gifts and lack of thought from her partners.

Possibly, if that is the spin you want to put on it. In our family it is seen as someone (DH), who is completely loved by all of us because he’s such a kind and generous person, not being good at a task and not doing it well. It disappoints him that he’s rubbish at choosing gifts but he’s just not a consumer and never has been. He’s much better at acts of kindness and there are plenty of these. Someone else (DD) who loves this task and does it brilliantly, has offered to take it over and now everybody is happy, especially me! We all have different skills and abilities.
There are things I don’t do well because of my skill set and life experience. This is true of everyone I know. It’s not weaponised incompetence. It’s just incompetence.

You don’t need to be a consumer to buy someone you love a half thoughtful gift. That’s a ridiculous excuse. My friend’s husband was like that. I remember having a discussion about it once with him. “I’m just rubbish at remembering birthdays, it’s really not my thing. Better X buys for everyone(x is his wife)”. I told him that was possibly one of the most pathetic things I’d ever heard and that every man should make an effort for their wife, mother daughter etc. My friend and her family also excused him as having other strengths bla bla, but for the rest of us looking in he wasn’t that impressive and not many other women would have put up with him.

How unattractive 🤢

Gosh. He has never forgotten my birthday. He taught himself how to bake so he could bake a cake for my birthday. For the first eight years of our relationship (pre-kids) he took me to Paris every year for my birthday, which was lovely. He has thrown me surprise parties for my birthday. We always celebrate it.
He just isn’t good at Christmas shopping. I don’t know why this is such a hanging offence or why the solution that works for us is causing so much disgust.
So examples of gifts I used to get would be a green, brown and red jumper from Graham Tiso, which he thought was unisex but wasn’t and didn’t suit or fit me; one of the earliest Kodak digital cameras which I didn’t have any use for and was quickly obsolete; a vase from John Lewis which didn’t really go with anything in the house etc. It was never nothing and I was never ungrateful, just underwhelmed and then there was the hassle of returning things.
OP asked specifically about disappointment around gift giving (though I agree she has bigger issues) I sympathised and explained the situation I had faced and the solution that worked for us. I advised her to speak up and find a solution that worked for her as life is too short for unnecessary disappointment. I’m not sure why this is controversial.

Well that’s a pretty different picture than the one you painted in your earlier post where you talked about him giving you empty boxes and not picking up on lists you’d given. From this post he sounds pretty fabulous at birthdays and it doesn’t sound like you’ve anything to be disappointed about- it’s only your taste that didn’t like the presents. That’s life, just about everyone has received presents they weren’t that keen on, but the effort was there.

You misunderstood. Obviously. Is collecting mugs "weird behaviour" when they could equally be used for violence?

How is it weird to collect knives if not for using them for violence?

I think if you can’t see the difference between collecting knives and collecting mugs then there’s nothing I can add.

And if you can't see there's nothing wrong with collecting knives then I guess there's nothing to add for me either, eh?

Yes 💯. Spot on!

And what’s stopping you currently?

Sounds like you’d be a lot better off on your own.