A gift that I need to pay to use?

[tryingtobegrateful]

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

Well you shouldn't be. Hes a cheeky cunt.

People treat you the way you allow them too. Your self esteem must be rock bottom to accept and tolerate such behaviour, you need to kick him out and concentrate on being the best parent you can and modelling some positive behaviours.

The £50 voucher off a £400 stay, along with the suggestion you book it for his birthday is so utterly tone deaf I wonder if he is missing a chip or two. Is he generally stupid?

First poster nails it.

Why on earth are you supporting this tight skank? And buying his family presents?? Hope the replies here help you see reason.

OP, the gifts are crappy and either thoughtless, or tight.

But your financial arrangement is shocking. I am also on my second marrriage, 2 DC. DH moved in with us, in our already established home, we have not merged finances, and I am the higher earner. We disagreed to start with over finances. He thought that as a couple, he should be liable for 50% of everything. I felt that providing for DC was my responsibilty, not his, so I should pay more. We discussed, and met in the middle, so we are both financially better off than we are single.

I understand that you were paying your bills solo before he joined you. But you are having to share your space, your resources, provide food etc, and he is contributing nothing. If he were living alone, he would almost certainly have to pay a lot more than half your bills.

Perhaps you could have a look at how much money he is saving by moving in with you, and he can transfer you half of that every month. Then he's just sharing the savings with you.

On the contrary, I think he's very clever. He's engineered a living arrangement that's cost-free to him.

This!
The only thought this man put into your present was "how can I get her to pay for my birthday" Nasty!
I would be re-evaluating the whole relationship

You say you are ok with the financial arrangement in place but you shouldn't be. You are covering the costs of everything including presents for his family while he spends on only himself. You have indulged him with gifts on top of providing him with a home etc. I really hope you begin to see that this is him taking advantage of you, tbh it sounds like you are willing to put up with his selfishness if it means he stays and I can understand its easier than having a conversation and risking being alone but if you boil it all down is he with you because he loves you or because you provide an easy life? He's not behaving like a man in love. I suspect I'm a good bit older than you, I've been a single parent and dated some pricks but any sign of meanness or selfish behaviour immediately put me off them. I've no issues with helping when a person is having financial difficulties but what you have happening is different. I'd give him back the voucher and tell him to use it towards his first night accommodation after kicking him out. He's shown you very clearly what he thinks of you and your children. Get rid.

@tryingtobegrateful you don't need to be grateful here. You are absolutely 100% within your rights to be annoyed.

The mug - that's ridiculous. He has basically now just spent a lot of money on a basic boring mug when he could have paid a little more and got a beautiful one. He clearly missed the point there!

And the voucher is absolutely taking the p*ss, but that means you can either get another £50 voucher to give him for his birthday, "to put towards a weekend away together" or just go away for 2 nights on your own!

Sounds a bit of a cock lodger to me.

that's not what cocklodger means @SunnyGreenBird nothing to do with sex, even though he has the appendage!

"a man who lives rent-free or cheap with a partner (often a woman) and contributes little or nothing financially, essentially using them as a free home while spending money on himself, like a parasitic "lodger" but with a vulgar, insulting implication"

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts. You chose to do this.

I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.You chose to do this.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.
Not a present. It's taking the piss.

I also got a handmade mug ... he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.
The mug here is you.

@tryingtobegrateful , He's shit at presents, doesn't appreciate you and is a cocklodger.

Honestly I think your reason for this thread is a side tracking issue to what you have, a shit load of presents from a shit husband who is a shit person you are in a shit relationship with. I mean seriously why do you hate yourself so much. You have totally enabled it too. You deserve and definitely your kids deserve so much more financially emotionally and well everything but you let him treat you so bad and everytime you put up with, it tells him you dont have boundaries and ok with it . Sorry for being blunt but its so sad and frustrating reading these posts where women do everything for some sad cocklodging bastard. No wonder there are so many entitled shit men everywhere! Ps yes definitely regift what he gave back to him and place it on his packed stuff on the street. As for the lego if you can't get refund sell it anywhere, hell donate it to the charity shop!! Make 2026 choosing you always!!

You’re a hard working, thoughtful single mum who inexplicably chose to move in a man and are spending money that could be saved for your kids futures to subsidise him. He also drinks multiple beers every day in the home you pay for him to live in. You’re paying for him to live with you. OP this is not a good example of relationship dynamics to set to your kids.

Why did you buy presents for his family?

We don’t buy each other anything for Christmas, instead we use the money we would have wasted (imo) on going out to lovely restaurants over the Christmas period.

Too many years spent trying to give DH ideas of what I wanted, but these things I didn’t need, so it became a chore. Much better now, no stress and none of those feelings that I’d taken so much more thought in present choices.

Are you married to him? or just usind DH as an alternative to DP?

Either way he should be making a financial contribution to the running of your home. He lives there - why shouldn't he pay "rent"? for want of a better term.

Personally I'd be locking up his knives in a big box and showing him the door.

And he can shove his voucher where the sun won't shine.

I don’t understand. This freeloading cocklodger contributes nothing. But you pay all his families presents?

You sound like a total mug.

His “presents” are just more evidence of his extensive piss taking. I feel really sorry for your kids. All the money you are dishing out supporting this bloke could be spent on/saved for them.

He is a criminal cocklodger, yes people are more than they bring in financially but he is earning but contributing nothing.

It’s nothing to with sex, you’ve got that totally wrong!

He is the perfect definition of a cocklodger!

If you lay yourself down as a doormat then he's going to wipe his feet on you.

He should be paying at least 25% of the household and food bills (I understand that you don't want him paying for your kids). However , by your own logic, he should be paying for 100% of the gifts for HIS family.

Have some self respect and stand up for yourself.

Going back to your original question, just have a wish list and tell him to choose something from that. After 20 years of marriage (and shite gifts), my husband knows now that he must choose from the links I send him. Happy all round.

He's shit at buying presents, that's clear, and though he'll probably claim to have put some thought into it, it's no more than cursory.
Also, you should absolutely STOP BUYING PRESENTS FOR HIS RELATIVES! Don't enable his thoughtlessness.

He's bought gifts with himself in mind. A mug which cost what HE would spend on a mug. Things for a craft project HE wants to do. Something towards a break HE wants to go on. A ring that you made very easy for him by being happy with a modest cost so HE got a cheap and easy time of it.
His gifts tell you that the most important person to him is himself, as that's who he was thinking of. I'd be surprised if this selfishness only showed itself in the presents he buys.

Its really sad the op is with a man who lives for free off her, has got her forking out for stuff for his relatives too and who doesnt think she's worth a fifty quid mug.

Good strategy.

And don’t give him any other birthday gifts either OP!

Oh fuck, you are married.

You've handed this free loading waste of space half your house too. Your children's house!