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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 12:47

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

I’m sorry but you shouldn’t be.

What does he bring to you, or to your family? He’s not contributing financially to your future, he’s not even covering his own costs so in essence you are paying to have him there, he’s not thoughtful, he doesn’t put you first, he doesn’t make you feel cherished at Christmas. You deserve more.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 11/01/2026 12:48

Bloody awful. I’d definitely tell him how selfish and inconsiderate his gift was.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 11/01/2026 12:48

Is he expecting you to pay the remainder for the hotel stay? If so that is a truly terrible (and selfish!) gift. Perhaps pick the dates and ask for his card to pay the remainder? Surely he won’t say “oh no I thought you’d pay that”. And if he does, at that point you can tell him where to go! Not unreasonable at all, it sounds like he has money but he doesn’t value the things you do so deems them frivolous and not worth the expense. Which isn’t really how gifts work.

Weareeee · 11/01/2026 12:48

He’s taking the absolute piss out of you, and you’re allowing it. For yours and your children’s sake I hope you wake up and get rid soon.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 11/01/2026 12:49

Show him the door. He has shown his true colours, they never improve so don’t waste your energy on him.

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 12:49

Wannabedisneyprincess · 11/01/2026 12:43

i feel OPs next post will be about how she also does all housework, cooking, washing etc so not only does he not contribute financially, he doesn’t contribute anything to at all

I will explode if that is the case.

Scarydinosaurs · 11/01/2026 12:49

I would be really pissed off given that you have no “nice gifts” on your list, apart from the £30 ring.

I think it’s okay to raise this as you spent so much on him.

Id suggest going forward you don’t do gifts for each other.

diddl · 11/01/2026 12:50

If you are ok with the financial arrangement then that's up to you.

But why buy his family presents when he has his own income to do that?

Is this the first year that that has happened & that he has bought you presents with no thought?

BuckChuckets · 11/01/2026 12:50

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

It directly relates to you situation, can't you see that? You can't be upset about the Christmas thing if you're OK with the cocklodger thing.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 11/01/2026 12:51

Fitzcarraldo353 · 11/01/2026 12:03

The voucher for an overnight stay that you need to add £350 to to actually use is completely taking the piss. To then suggest you both use it for HIS birthday is next level Cheeky fuckery and I'd honestly tell him so.

Edited

@tryingtobegrateful

The first post is brutal but absolutely true.

I would honestly have the difficult
conversation now, like
immediately, so that this never happens again.

Also - no more presents for
his side of the family bought by you.

He needs to hear some
hard truths.

SunnyGreenBird · 11/01/2026 12:51

ha ha he's bought a gift for himself that's really funny

JMSA · 11/01/2026 12:52

The voucher is 100% shit.

BunnyLake · 11/01/2026 12:52

The voucher is an insane gift, I would be very pissed off.

To be honest I would tell him that neither of you need to buy presents for each other any more. It’s a pointless waste of time and money if this is going to be the present buying dynamic.

Trixibell1234 · 11/01/2026 12:52

If he can afford his lifestyle of beers, hobbies he can afford to contribute to household costs. Presumably he eats, showers, gets warm etc etc? He is consuming things you are paying for.

I would feel the same about the gifts. I am sorry he is letting you down so badly. Please ask him to contribute.

Alicorn1707 · 11/01/2026 12:52

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 11/01/2026 12:47

Ask for the receipt for the mug and return it.
Buy a mug you like.

Don’t go to that venue for his birthday.

Perhaps organise a weekend there with a friend, and have your DH hold the fort at home while you are away. Make the time away the gift.

Match his energy with gifts. Don’t try so hard, keep it simple.

"Buy a mug you like" and get him to pay the difference from his refund on the voucher!!

You are so relaxed about it @tryingtobegrateful but rest assured, I am incensed on your behalf!!

It's really not good enough, you should not really give him a pass on this 😞

eta; We really do teach people how to treat us, being more proactive will serve you much better in the long run.

SunnyGreenBird · 11/01/2026 12:53

BuckChuckets · 11/01/2026 12:50

It directly relates to you situation, can't you see that? You can't be upset about the Christmas thing if you're OK with the cocklodger thing.

you've inferring (by using cocklodger) that the only reason the op has him to stay is because of the sex which is really rude and demeaning and insulting to the OP herself there can be more to a person than what they bring financially

Bearbookagainandagain · 11/01/2026 12:53

I would be tempted to gift him the same voucher for his birthday, and tell him he could pay extra on your birthday... Honestly that's taking the piss!

For the mug etc, I think it would good for you to have a conversation about quality over quantity. 1 good present is better than 4 shit ones.

Eudaimonia11 · 11/01/2026 12:53

Lady, you don’t earn enough to be a sugar mama! Earning NHS Band 5 with kids and you think it’s ok to financially provide for a man as well? What planet are you on?!

Pick your self esteem up off the floor and kick him out. Even if he’s the hottest man alive with the biggest dick, giving you the best sex of your life (which would be the absolute only reason to put up with this nonsense), you can’t afford it! Your money should be going on yourself and your kids!

If he doesn’t even pay anything towards his own living costs as an adult member of the household, why can’t he afford to splash the cash and spoil you rotten? Why is he being a cheapskate and buying the cheapest mug? The man doesn’t even pay for his own fucking tea bags! He must be loaded! Even on minimum wage, imagine not having to pay anything for rent or bills or food!

OP you are on desperate need of therapy to work on yourself - get a refund on the voucher and make him pay for a load of therapy sessions for you. He can afford it!

Then hopefully you can find a decent man who really loves you, who is also super hot and sexy, and who wouldn’t even think about not paying his way. And who would spoil you at Christmas and birthdays and not expect you to buy his family gifts.

monkeysox · 11/01/2026 12:54

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

He's absolutely ripping the piss out of you

INeedAnotherName · 11/01/2026 12:54

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

Bloody hell OP!!!

As another poster says:
You are paying to have a man live with you.
Money that should be going to your children's future.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 11/01/2026 12:54

Remember also, just because he bought you a voucher doesn’t mean that you need to use it.

If you can’t afford to add £350 to the voucher, just let that voucher sit there unused.

If he says anything, tell him £50 doesn’t come close to being useable, that you don’t want to put £350 of your own money with it to make it useable.

hobbledyhoy · 11/01/2026 12:55

so let me get this right, you’re paying for:
his presents
his parents presents
his nieces and nephews presents
all household bills

And he buys you poorer versions of the things you like because his judgement is that they are not worth the cost.

I think you need to reflect on exactly what you’re getting out of this relationship, it’s very clear what he’s getting - a free ride.

BlanketyBlankBlank · 11/01/2026 12:55

That’s a shit present! Sorry OP!

bigboykitty · 11/01/2026 12:56

If this is true, you're actually married to this cocklodger 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄

pikkumyy77 · 11/01/2026 12:57

Squeeky112 · 11/01/2026 12:06

That is well cheeky. But me and my DH don't buy each other presents AT ALL for christmas, birthday, anniversary etc - so much less stress, we both support it,, and buy things we need/want when we need them. None of these issues arise.

Ok…thanks for letting us all know you are a superior person.

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