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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
OhFeyreDarling · 11/01/2026 12:34

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

So the man is a freeloader who can't even be bothered to buy you a mug you want for Christmas

Put him in the bin now

Stompythedinosaur · 11/01/2026 12:34

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

This post changes things. What an absolute cocklodger! He pays for nothing and you forl out for him like some oversized teenager? I'm frankly embarrassed for him.

Get rid of him. All the money he's costing you, you could spend on your dc.

Gabby8 · 11/01/2026 12:34

Please please do not use that voucher for his birthday weekend!!

Sanasaaa · 11/01/2026 12:34

You'd be better off saving or investing your money for you and your kids, don't keep wasting it on this man.

Why were you buying gifts for people he's related to?

By marrying him he will now be entitled to half of your property that used to be just yours Sad
You're paying to feed, house, heat etc. a man, to what end? How does he benefit you and your kids?

diddl · 11/01/2026 12:35

I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

Wow!

Why did you go so OTT for his Christmas presents?

zzplee · 11/01/2026 12:35

Because a gift should be about the receiver, not the giver!

That's where you're going wrong. Gift-giving is mostly about the giver - their motivation (act of love or feeling of obligation), the level of success of the giver's selection of gift, and the (often unvoiced) displeasure the recipient feels towards the giver, to which the giver is usually oblivious.

Read up on Martin Lewis's advice on breaking the cycle of obligatory gift giving, and maybe reduce it to a token gift for each of you and spend the rest of the money on yourselves, on things you actually want.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2022/11/martin-lewis-christmas-gifts-help-or-hindrance/

MostlyHappyMummy · 11/01/2026 12:35

Omg - why is he living free in your house? Would he not pay rent and bills elsewhere?
i genuinely cannot believe much of what I read on here because it's so crazy.

Catwalking · 11/01/2026 12:36

thismummydrinksgin · 11/01/2026 12:24

I’d buy him a £50 voucher for the hotel for his birthday

No, just reuse(ie. return) the xmas pressie 😆?

Or OP, see if you can get a refund on this ‘voucher’?

LadyTangerine · 11/01/2026 12:37

Yabu being wirh a man who doesn't contribute towards bills. Not even food?

If you stay with him agree a budget for gifts in future.

<lego?!>

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 12:38

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

I’m sorry, what?

Not only do you pay for all of his gifts to his family, but you pay all of the household bills too? It doesn’t matter if it was your house first, if he lives there no he should be paying half. To not even contribute to food is obscene.

Was he living at his parents before you? Because he doesn’t sound like an adult.

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

OP posts:
workingcocker · 11/01/2026 12:38

What sort of knives does he collect?

Kitchen knives I hope?

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 11/01/2026 12:38

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

You realise he is a massive cocklodger and totally taking you for a ride. He’s using you!!

There is no reason why he doesn’t contribute more.

You need to raise your bar!!

AudHvamm · 11/01/2026 12:38

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

he lives in the house though. Contributing to bills and food isn't contributing to your children, it's covering his expenses.

Elizabethandfour · 11/01/2026 12:39

Bet he got the voucher for free if it can only be used on 2 day accommodation that you pay for.

He lives for free with you and you buy presents for his family on his behalf? Sorry but this is your fault too. Even grown children are expected to contribute.

Whowhenwhat · 11/01/2026 12:39

Stompythedinosaur · 11/01/2026 12:32

Give him the £50 voucher back as an early birthday present and he can put it towards the stay he wants.

If he's genuinely a good partner in other ways (though this seems doubtful) agree to stick to a token £20 gift in future.

And buy yourself the mug if you can afford to do so!

Agree, give it as his birthday present.

why on earth are you buying for his nieces etc? his parents? and spending hundreds on him when he's buying you cheap ugly mugs? what could you have done with all the money you've wasted on him and his family this Christmas? You could have put it away in savings for your children. Why oh why do women do this to themselves and their children?

Dunnocantthinkofone · 11/01/2026 12:39

FFS woman!!

i totally get not wanting him to pay towards the house if it’s solely yours. I understand too tte desire not to expect him to pay for things towards your children

But for crying out loud, HE ISNT EVEN PAYING FOR HIS OWN FOOD and you buy his family presents instead of him
Stop behaving like such a mug!

MostlyHappyMummy · 11/01/2026 12:39

Your poor kids

LadyTangerine · 11/01/2026 12:39

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

So he pays for his phone and car running costs that's it? Does he have any redeeming qualities as he is clearing taking the piss, sorry Flowers

EuclidianGeometryFan · 11/01/2026 12:39

he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

But he should be making a contribution to cover his own food, use of electricity and hot water, etc.
As an absolute bare minimum.
Leaving aside the gifts and his stingy selfishness, he is actually COSTING you money. Without him there, your food bills and utility bills would be lower. Possibly much lower.

You are paying to have a man live with you.
Money that should be going to your children's future.

pixiegirlishere · 11/01/2026 12:40

The choice of mug shows how he feels about you. He has enough money to buy you something lovely, he thinks you deserve the beige mug and even that you should be happy with it and grateful for it.

I wouldn’t necessarily bin him off but I would definitely have an unemotional conversation laying out the plain facts and showing him explicitly how his choice of gifts has impacted.

And take some time to think about what this reveals about him - are you happy with him? Is this indicative to his attitude anyway or is it out of character? Only you know the answer to that one.

Academicallyminded · 11/01/2026 12:40

I think the gift giving is symptomatic of larger financial inequality/unfairness in the arrangement you have. So while I appreciate that you may not want that to sidetrack the thread, the point is he is a cheapskate and is taking advantage of your generosity at multiple levels, so the fact that he is reflecting that behaviour in his gifts for you should not come as a surprise.

MO0N · 11/01/2026 12:40

Generally speaking men tend to respond with belligerence and resentment if women out earn them.
I would say the underlying reason that you bought him such an expensive gift is because his resentment makes you feel threatened and you feel a need to placate him in order to reduce the sense of threat. This may all be operating an unconscious level.
I'm not sure if I would discuss this with him, instead I would 'match his energy' from now on, i.e make sure that the gifts you give him are in the same category as the ones he gives you.

Gettingbysomehow · 11/01/2026 12:40

What worries me most is that you feel guilty when he has completely taken the piss and made zero effort. It screams I am a doormat.
Stop buying for his relatives and never do that again. Don't take him away for his birthday and tell him how pissed off you were with his pathetic gifts.
I wouldn't stand for this.

AquaFurball · 11/01/2026 12:40

@tryingtobegrateful The extra information provided proves you have a serious infestation of Cocklodger.

Give yourself and your kids a huge gift for his birthday - kick the alcoholic user out.

You sound like a generous and caring person. Love yourself more and realise you deserve better.

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