Sulking husband

[Mummalovesya]

For years now ever since my middle child was born my husband has had a career that isn’t very sociable.
i don’t drive anymore (I have severe epilepsy so I’m medically not allowed, my license got revoked when I was 23) which means the kids miss out on stuff as I can’t get them there. We live very rural so not many buses etc and have no family near to help.

Over the years he’s been offered numerous jobs to benefit us as a family , be at home more and fits more around family life, he refuses to go. For context he works 7 days a week, barely a day off and if he does get a day off he works from home in the office with the door shut 🤦🏻‍♀️ He worked all over Christmas , new year everything etc. he was taking work calls whilst the kids were opening presents and had to leave mid way through, came back at 4.30pm missed dinner and had to leave shortly after to go to the head office 🙄

I must say, when I met him I was in a career I had longed for my whole life, it was my dream career. I gave it up for him so i know it can be done.

I work now full time. My kids have to go to breakfast club and after school club , I literally get no help with that because he’s at work. At weekends when I’m working and he is , he refuses to help me cos he’s been at work all night and is tired so I have to end up taking my children to work with me or calling in sick.

The kids HATE him always being at work and hate that he’s missed out on so much stuff , he knows this.

He’s been offered a new job just down the road from us, the same amount of money for much less hours. The hours are literally a dream works around us and the kids perfectly and much less stress of my head. He’s accepted the job and handed in his resignation(which he’s done hundreds of times but retracted it) But all he’s doing is sulking.

Hes already planning to go back he said he’s jsut taking a year out that’s it.

AIBU to think he’s just a selfish twat putting his own needs first rather then his kids? I’ve given up my whole career and more for him and we wouldn’t have the kids we do now if I didn’t.

He sounds like a workoholic. These men don't change.

You probably have a choice to make but I'd have a chat with him first and letting him know you're at the point of choosing whether to stay with him or not and what divorce will look like.

Then he can make his choices. His work patterns aren't compatible with a family. It'll grind you down eventually.

I’m intrigued as to his job.

I have so many questions...
Why live rurally of you don't have the means of getting around?
Did he ask you to give up your career or was it your decision?

He doesn't strike me as man who wants a family. How much was he involved in planning of it all. I personally would rather be at work 7 days a week than ferry children around or be at home where the atmosphere is rather frosty, I imagine. But that's me.
Obviously you can't unbirth your children so he'd have to lump it but I wouldn't expect him to be jumping up and down with joy if he had little say in your family planning. Just guessing...

He does sound really selfish, sounds like he doesn’t actually want to be part of a family at all. Although the whole set up sounds terrible. Why do you live rurally when you can’t drive? Do you also have to work full time?

We moved here because of his job, was only meant to be a stop gap while they were changing offices , here we still are.

He asked me, he got very emotional and we was in our first year of being together. I’m glad I did because we’ve got married and had 3 beautiful children.

We both wanted children, we both decided we wanted to have a family there was no pressure from either sides.

Yes I work full time. we moved here because of his job.

He’s an engineer

Well, in that case I think you two need to have an honest conversation. Not about his career choices but about what's going on for both of you emotionally. There is clearly something going on for him which he isn't expressing. Is he typically quite good at talking about his feelings? Is he able to articulate why this lifestyle is something he prefers?

It’s sounds like your life is poorly organised. Why live rurally if you can’t drive/struggle to get about?
is there family you could live nearer to for support?
How both of you work/ share your home life needs to be agreed together it sounds like he dictates and you follow which is unfair. Working all the time and never engaging in family life is unreasonable you might as well not be together at least then you would get a break when he has the kids. It’s good he’s changed his job, I’d ignore his sulking and hopefully once he starts he will enjoy it and see the benefits, if he doesn’t you will need to consider wether you are suited long term.

Is his job well paid? Like REALLY well paid? I’m guessing if you work full time too then probably not. Infuriating.

Do you think he might not follow through with this new job with better hours?

It’s like you are basically disempowered from your life. Everything revolves around him and his job. I would hate that SO much.

Not really , he fets paid well but wouldn’t say were well off, it’s about 30k a year which isn’t huge amount in retrospect.

honestly it’s so draining and not sure why he can’t understand

It was only supposed to be for short term, that short term turned into years and empty promises😩

I’ve spoke about it and he jsut said he loves his job he’s good at it and he’s comfortable and hates change🤷🏻‍♀️

Well for starters when I needed to work at weekends and he was in the house I’d just walk out and leave him to deal with the children, I wouldn’t take them with me or phone in sick just because he is “choosing” to work on what is technically his day off.

Does the company expect him to work all those hours in a day, 7 days a week and does he get overtime for the extra hours? I’d be surprised if the answer is yes because it would be illegal.

How old are your DC?

I would seriously be thinking about divorce and moving with the kids somewhere that would make my life easier, you’re doing it all on your own now anyway but in a rural location that will be making life that much harder.

If he’s working as much as you say he is for £30k a year, he needs to put in a claim for overtime, and back pay, because his employer isn’t meeting their minimum wage obligations.I can tell you that for nothing.

He is in today’s world, in a low paid job. Particularly for those hours. It should be a fairly strict 9-5. I honestly thought you was going to say 6 figures.

Does it make him feel important? Always being available?

Bloody hell, I was thinking you were going to say at least three times that wage!
I'd really pressure a house move OP. Mainly for the kids' sake, but also for you- you're not allowed to drive, but you are allowed to have a life and not be dependent on him.

First thing that hit me was move into town. The closest town.

You can’t live rurally if you don’t drive, that’s pure isolation. Enough to drive anyone mad

No.amount of job is worth that amount of work. 30k a year. I would not for this for 300k. It sounds to me as if he prefers to be at work than being part of family life.

An experienced engineer who is on call around the clock isn’t on 30k a year. A graduate just qualified would normally be on this.

30k? That must be a typo right

I was typing as the last couple of posts dropped in - I see you said he gets £30k as an engineer?

I’m suspicious about this, that’s graduate/entry level pay……. with experience a chartered engineer would be on upwards of £60k.

Are you sure he is working when he is out of the house?
Tge two things that spring to my mind were either:
a) gambling online hence locking himself away all the time claiming to be working, or
b) double life and a second family somewhere

He’s doing all that for THIRTY GRAND?? Oh give over. You have to be joking, that’s ridiculous. It actually doesn’t make any sense.

thats extremely low for an engineer and not the sort of pay you ask your wife to quit her job for.

Do you mean he earns 30k or £30k more than you? If it's the former, that's ridiculous given the hours he's doing. See what happens in the new job but at the moment you are enabling him not to join in, in the sense that you are picking up all the slack and so he does what he wants. But a partnership is about what both of you want. Fingers crossed he really likes the new job and things improve. Otherwise you will have to think about whether the situation is sustainable for you.

For the hours he works that’s not minimum wage! Does he get overtime? Bonuses? What sort of engineer is he?

You say he is well paid, on £30k per year, is that correct? That’s not well paid, amd working 7 days a week. That doesn’t sound right.

It is clear as PPs have said he is a workaholic.