Sulking husband

[Mummalovesya]

For years now ever since my middle child was born my husband has had a career that isn’t very sociable.
i don’t drive anymore (I have severe epilepsy so I’m medically not allowed, my license got revoked when I was 23) which means the kids miss out on stuff as I can’t get them there. We live very rural so not many buses etc and have no family near to help.

Over the years he’s been offered numerous jobs to benefit us as a family , be at home more and fits more around family life, he refuses to go. For context he works 7 days a week, barely a day off and if he does get a day off he works from home in the office with the door shut 🤦🏻‍♀️ He worked all over Christmas , new year everything etc. he was taking work calls whilst the kids were opening presents and had to leave mid way through, came back at 4.30pm missed dinner and had to leave shortly after to go to the head office 🙄

I must say, when I met him I was in a career I had longed for my whole life, it was my dream career. I gave it up for him so i know it can be done.

I work now full time. My kids have to go to breakfast club and after school club , I literally get no help with that because he’s at work. At weekends when I’m working and he is , he refuses to help me cos he’s been at work all night and is tired so I have to end up taking my children to work with me or calling in sick.

The kids HATE him always being at work and hate that he’s missed out on so much stuff , he knows this.

He’s been offered a new job just down the road from us, the same amount of money for much less hours. The hours are literally a dream works around us and the kids perfectly and much less stress of my head. He’s accepted the job and handed in his resignation(which he’s done hundreds of times but retracted it) But all he’s doing is sulking.

Hes already planning to go back he said he’s jsut taking a year out that’s it.

AIBU to think he’s just a selfish twat putting his own needs first rather then his kids? I’ve given up my whole career and more for him and we wouldn’t have the kids we do now if I didn’t.

Does his salary get paid directly into a joint account or does it get paid into his sole account so that you can’t see how much he really gets paid? Like others, I’m suspicious that the £30k he’s told you he earns is not the true amount and that he’s squirrelling the rest away….or using to gamble with.

It’s very unusual for someone to love their job so much they want to be there 7 days a week. And prefer being at work than with their family, sulk at leaving for a dream job etc, especially when the pay isn’t that great…. Could there be someone at the workplace he doesn’t want to stop seeing everyday?

You are completely completely reasonable here. He has been taking the piss for years. The world does not revolve around his crappy job. His behaviour would be out of order if he got paid 10 times his current salary - but for £30k a year no way, there is no need.

OP if you are working full time I assume you are pretty close to his wage too?

I’ve been there in meetings (zoom) when he’s spoke about a pay rise and they’ve promised it’s coming , I can confirm 100% he gets paid 30k which is a shitter cos not even worth staying there and being away from us so much. He isn’t contracted to work 7 days , he’s meant to work 5 but he just does extra for some reason. When hes
hone he’s working his other job aswell it’s like he can’t get away an he prefers it 😔

I earn about 28-29k depends really so I am comfortable but I am debating giving that up just to make it easier for me short term. I miss out having breakfast with my kids and I don’t see them till gone 5pm on a weekday and I don’t feel them I see them as much as I should. I don’t know why he doesn’t see that 😔

Work out his hourly rate

It will be peanuts.

Ask him if that's worth losing his family over

So the 30k is from his employment? How much does his sideline business bring in - or is it more of a hobby?

As for you having to take your children to work at weekends because his tinkering with boats is more important than spending time with his children… words fail me.

You are a single mother in all but name, so you might as well make it official and move somewhere with good local transport options.

Whatever you do, do NOT give up your job.

His company are taking advantage of the situation. They know he's never going to leave. He's far too comfortable doing whatever he's doing and probably not doing as well.

Frankly, OP, I really don't see what you're getting out of this relationship. You're isolated and carrying the load and it's not fair on you.

He chooses to work. He's not indispensable, no one is. You say he's on 30K? Bottom line he feels more important at work and let's face it, it actually easier to work than be involved with his children. He's opted out of family life and your marriage. I'd suggest you both need counselling to find out why he's making these choices.

Come on OP, none of this males sense. You live "very rurally" due to his job, but can't drive so your kids miss out? I presume HE can drive? So move to town and he can drive to his oh so important engineer job that necessitates him going in on Christmas day.

He has totally checked out of your marriage and his children's lives. So do yourself a favour and separate, move to a town and let your kids have a life.

He doesn't want to be a father and he doesn't want to be a husband. He is actively choosing to spend as much time as possible away from you all. I'm so sorry but you don't actually have a marriage to even save? You had a wedding but what followed wasn't a marriage or even a relationship by the sounds of it?

You need to leave and actually live.

OP, whats his salary going to be at the new job? Something really isnt right here.

He earns 30k because that's the hours he works.
The head office visit on Christmas day was to ow..
You are very naive if you don't agree op..
He has another life imo.

I'm another one who suspects that something else is going on. 30k for a job that means you need to go in to Head Office (who else was there? How many of the rest of the workforce attended Head Office on CHRISTMAS DAY??) over Christmas.

OP, I think you need to start sorting out what you would do if the shit really hit the fan. I suspect his real reason for not wanting to take the better job is that he would find his 'other lifestyle' much harder to sustain, because otherwise a job on the same money with less working hours would be a no brainer.

Look to yourself and your kids, and start shoring up your life.

Trainee aeronautical engineers still at Uni on degree apprenticeships get paid much more than £30k pa. Something isn't adding up here.

This!!! My son in law is an engineer, earns double that and has only been qualified four years. In fact my other son in law earns more than your husband as a delivery driver for Tesco!!!!

He had 3 children knowing they'd need parenting, didn't he? Or did you think only women are responsible for their choices?

Do not quit your job OP - that will be your life line if or more like when you leave him.

Are you joking? Why would he waste his life for this?

So you are earning basically the same amount as him and doing all the work as well!

What do you mean by this?

Do. Not. Give. Up. Your. Job.

Please don't do that! He has already mentally checked out of your life and your kids life. What happens if he takes the next step and checks out physically? You are extremely vulnerable and if you divorce, you'll be in serious financial trouble as a family if you have to run two homes on one low salary. Even if you stay together, put your kids first - expecting a family of 5 to live off £30k whilst you sit around twiddling your thumbs all day just so you can pick your kids up from school is a horrendous parenting decision.

Wanting to work 7 days a week and holidays for 30k when he could get the same for less hours. It just makes no sense to me.

His employers must be laughing all the way to the bank. They have someone who will work like a donkey that they only have to feed peanuts.

The thing is, the threat of resigning (you mentioned he’s done so and retracted it a few times), only works once. You resign, they counter, you stay. But you can’t keep doing it. And you don’t withdraw your resignation on a promise. That’s even weaker. I don’t generally think resigning is the best long term strategy, because you seem disloyal, so your name ends up high on the redundancy list. But it seems your DH is hanging on their every word about these imaginary pay reviews.

youve seen his pay slip.
have you seen how many hours hes paid for? have a look.

im thinking it must be like 20 hours a week or somethimg, which would explain the low total pay, and the rest of the time he isn’t around including christmas day was for him to go see a second family.

which is maybe why youre isolated out there so you don’t bump into each other. He probably tells them he works permanent nightshift so he can see you or something.
sorry op.

i might be barking up the wrong tree but somwthimg doesn't add up.